Down 2.0 Pounds

Nice.  Down 7.8 pounds since Monday.  Now I only need to minimize the damage from the party I am going to tonight.  I am good if I gain a little weight.  I am just trying to avoid one of those 5 or 6 pound nightmares.  If I can get through tonight relatively unscathed, then I might have a chance at a 10 pound week.

Down 2.8 Pounds

I made up for missing the club on Wednesday night by going last night and again this morning.  Nice start to my Friday.  Down 5.8 pounds since Monday morning.  If I can get through the New Year's Eve party relatively unscathed, maybe I can start gaining a little momentum.

Up 2.0 Pounds

That's what happens when I skip exercising.  I want so badly to string together a week's worth of days where my weight decreases on every one.

Down 2.6 Pounds

I would  love nothing more than to string together about 10 straight days of going down in weight.  Down 5 pounds in the two days post-Christmas.  I started back on myfitnesspal.com yesterday morning and then forgot about it the rest of the day.  Will try again today.  Really need to make that a habit again because it really does help.  So, since I am talking about...

Down 2.4 Pounds

Wow!  Has it really been two weeks since I last posted.  I imagine you can guess that those two weeks haven't been that good based on my lack of posts.  I do have a tendency to write more when I am feeling better. 

So, today's drop may look good on the surface.  But, I must confess that it comes a day after seeing a new high and is not as exciting as it sounds.  I am still not telling you that new high... yet.  Since the highest weight I have posted on this blog over the last month was 240.6, I can tell you that it was higher than that.  Since I have said I have posted two new highs since then, you can assume I was at least 241.0 yesterday.  And, you would be on the low end.

Well, only one more holiday left to use as an excuse.  After next Sunday, I will no longer have an excuse for my bad behaviour.  What will I blame this on then? 

Down .2

Not good.  But, still lower.  Down 6.2 in 3 days.  Starting back on myfitnesspal.com this morning.

Down 2 Pounds!

Still not telling.  Down another 2 pounds (yes, an even 2 after an even 4).  Down 6 pounds in two days.  That's a good thing.  I can actually breathe again when I put on my pants...

Down 4 Pounds!

So, again, I am not telling you my weight.  I do plan on sharing my weight again...If I can actually string together any kind of success.  Today was a good morning after the horror of yesterday morning.  Despite that, I am done talking about "phases".  Done talking about "momentum".  Done talking about "getting back on track".  Done pretending that what I saw yesterday has "scared me straight".  We will know what kind of impact yesterday had on me in a couple of weeks.  We will see what that number is after all of the holiday parties, Christmas meal, and New Year's celebration.  We shall see...

I'm Not Telling!

Kind of like that kid who is losing and decides to take their ball home.  I did weigh this morning.  But, I am not sharing that weight with you because my fingers can not physically type that number.  Suffice it to say that it is a new high.  After a good-bye lunch with my Mom at a Chinese buffet followed by a steak dinner last night, I knew it was going to be painful.  I may type it another day if I end up putting this behind me.  But, for now, I am not sharing.

Oh, by the way, before this morning, the weekend was just okay.  Since Friday's weight of 237.8, I went 237.6, 237.2, and 237.6. 

Down 2.8 Pounds!

So, that's the good news!  After celebrating my son's graduation from college at Texas Roadhouse on Wednesday night and subsequently seeing a number yesterday that made me want to break down in tears, I came in to the office and disposed of all of the salty snacks, candy and junk food in my desk drawers.  I avoided the popcorn.  I skipped the soda.  And, the result above was my immediate reward.

So, where have I been, you ask?  Well, when I was young I was always taught that if you had nothing nice to say about someone then don't say anything at all.  Well, since my post on Thanksgiving morning, I have had absolutely nothing positive to say about Anthony Marinucci.  In fact, most of what I wanted to say about myself would be inappropriate for a family-friendly blog.  The phrase "spiralling out of control" hardly does it any justice.  Here are the numbers...

My last post (Thanksgiving morning) - 229.0
11/25 - N/A, after pigging out on Thanksgiving, I actually couldn't bear to step on the scale!
11/26 - 233.2
11/27 - 233.4
11/28 - 236.0
11/29 - 235.0
11/30 - 236.2
12/1 - 235.8
12/2 - 235.0
12/3 - 234.2
12/4 - 235.0
12/5 - 237.2
12/6 - 236.8
12/7 - 237.8
12/8 - 240.6
Today - 237.8

Over that time frame, I continued to set new highs that I never thought I would see again.  And, each time, I would think to myself, "no more".  So, instead of being close to 220 where I hoped to be, I gained 11.6 pounds.  I need an intervention...

I found myself watching The Biggest Loser and being skeptical when the contestants were looking back at where they had started and each of them said they would "never" go back to that again.  Like a jerk, I assumed my lack of willpower was shared by all of these contestants.  As if none of them would have the strength to stay at a lower weight just because I have failed. 

So, once again, I apologize to a long list.  I apologize to those who care about me who get to read how ugly this journey has turned and not be able to do anything about it.  I apologize to my brother who I made a promise to that I would use myfitnesspal.com... a promise that lasted three days.  I apologize to all of the people who I still run in to that say I look great when I then curse them in my head because I don't want to accept those compliments.  I apologize for not writing in this blog when I have so much to say.  I apologize to my stomach each morning when I put on pants that are getting dangerously close to not fitting while still vowing not to buy any bigger clothes.  I apologize to my knees that had been so happy for months and now ache ever so slightly because of the extra 40 pounds. 

And, I start over once again with complete faith that this is the turning point... seeing 240 scared the crap out of me. 

Happy Thanksgiving! (229.0)

There it is.  I start my Thanksgiving weekend at 229 with the goal of being that or lower by Monday morning.  Down 2.2 from yesterday and, once again, under 230.  I wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving!  Travel safe and don't eat too much!

Phase 4 Status: Day 11 - (2.2), Total - (5.0)

231.2

Second verse same as the first [stolen from Mindy Erickson].

Phase 4 Status: Day 10 - 0.4, Total - (2.8)

229.0/228.8/229.8/232.8/230.8

Just when I think I am back in a groove, I fall back off the wagon.  Worked until 2 AM late Thursday night and  then got up at 5:30 AM for a long day at work.  That long day kept me from the blog and myfitnesspal.com and all of a sudden a weekend had passed and I had done neither.  Combine that with celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday at Mi Ranchito's and a whole week of hard work was wasted in a blink of an eye.  The only good news is that I started Monday down 1 pound from last Monday!  Today is 2 pounds better than that.

Phase 4 Status: Day 9 - (2.0), Total - (3.2)

228.8

Not a great day.  But, I did manage to not go back over 230.  Down .4.

Phase 4 Status: Day 4 - (0.4), Total - (5.2)

229.2

Another good day.  Down 2.4 pounds.  And, HOPEFULLY, back under 230 for the last time!

Phase 4 Status: Day 3 - (2.4), Total - (4.8)

231.6

Okay.  Good start.  Down 2.2 pounds. Cautiously optimistic...

Phase 4 Status: Day 2 - (2.2), Total - (2.4)

The Latest Bet, Promises Not Met, Not Done Yet, Time For A Reset

The Latest Bet - When I returned from my business trip to Chicago in early October, my friend, Will, and I made a bet.  While there have been a lot of things that have motivated me since early in 2010, betting has always been the one constant motivator even before the advent of this blog.  I have always loved betting people or joining contests at work because my competitiveness seems to always outweigh my desire to eat.  Of course, Will knows that about me because Will is exactly the same way.  After a couple of months of taunting me by saying he wanted my LiveStrong shirt as soon as I outgrew it, he decided to try motivating me with a bet.  Of course, I obliged.  Not just because I love betting on myself, but because I really needed something to kick me in the butt and get me motivated. 

So, we bet that LiveStrong shirt... the same LiveStrong shirt that I had won in a bet last year.  I love that LiveStrong shirt.  Not only because I like the look and colors, but because of what it represents to me.  It is a symbol of this entire journey to being healthy.  I didn't want to lose that shirt.  But, I really believed that it wasn't even a possibility.  And, just so you know, I don't really believe that Will wanted that shirt even though he had sent me 10+ e-mails about it.  Will only wanted to motivate an old friend when nothing else seemed to be working. 

I really didn't want Will to have to buy me a shirt either.  So, I came up with a bet that I felt was a compromise.  I was 232.4 on October 5.  If I broke 210 by November 3, I would win a new LiveStrong shirt.  If I broke 215, the bet would be a draw.  And, if I didn't break 215, I would send him my precious shirt.  I didn't really think that I had much of a chance to lose 22.6 pounds in four weeks.  But, I really believed I would break 215.

Sadly, this bet didn't work.  I got around the 225 mark on a couple of occasions.  I didn't stay there.  I finished the bet at 228... nowhere near the goal I had set.  Am I disappointed I lost the shirt?  Sure.  But, I am more disappointed that I let down my friend and I let down myself. 

Promises Not Met - I have always been an optimist.  I have yet to waver in my belief that the last few months are a temporary setback and I will be back to where I was earlier in the year soon.  And because of all of this good intent, I continue to make promises.  Those promises have not been met.  Shortly after her surgery, I promised my daughter that I would get busy.  I didn't.  I promised the readers of this blog on countless occasions that I would start writing again.  I didn't.  I promised myself and my brother that I would start using myfitnesspal.com again.  I didn't.  I promised specifically that I would blog about the bet above on a couple of occasions.  I didn't.  I talked about how something felt different and I was back.  I wasn't.  I promised I would stay healthy in memory of my father.  I didn't.  I don't intend to lie.  I don't intend to fall short on my promises.  And, I hate myself when I don't live up to them... especially the one to Kelsea.  The only promise I have kept was a promise to myself that I would never buy new XL clothes, no matter how bad I looked in my current wardrobe... apologies to the people I work with. 

I promise to try harder.  lol...

Not Done Yet - If you've followed the blog, you know that one of my ultimate goals is to be in a before/after article in Men's Health.  I remember when I broke 200 thinking to myself that I now had to keep it off for a year.  I think MH prefers to include those individuals who have lost and maintained.  It would be embarassing to the magazine to publish the article and have someone heavy looking at their own picture in the magazine!  While I still remain healthier than I was at the beginning of 2010, I am not done yet!  Even when I was 198, I still wanted to change my body.  So, I will say it one more time... I am not done yet!

Time For A Reset - I don't want to be one of those people who lost a bunch of weight and then ended up gaining all or most of it back.  I am already heavier than I ever thought possible again.  I don't want to start 2012 and have regrets about 2011.  It isn't too late to end this year on a positive note.  On Sunday, I woke up at a new high of 234.  I am not going to dwell on it.  I am not going to be grumpy and sad.  I woke up today and decided it was time.  I reached out to my brother and promised at least three weeks of diligent myfitnesspal.com tracking. 

I reset my weight on myfitnesspal.com.  That ticker on this blog has been lying to all of you for months.  I hated changing it because I never wanted people congratulating me for losing pounds that I had gained back.  But, enough time has gone by.  I need that update.  I need to write everything down.  I need that to stop showing 115 pounds when that is no longer a reality.

I worked hard at the gym tonight despite not feeling like I did when running six months ago.  I went back to music instead of listening to podcasts... way more motivating and a story for another day. I promise.  I smiled on the treadmill and got that old familiar chill that I had last year.  I think I had forgotten what that felt like.

I don't care that it is the holiday season.  It is time for a reset.  It is time to blog my weight every day and add some additional thoughts a few nights a week.  This is all part of what worked for me before and I am not afraid to admit that I need all of this.  I may always need all of this.  So, promise me you will keep reading, even if this blog lives on for many more years.  Here's to my reset...

Phase 4 - Starting Weight: 234.0, Day 1 - (0.2), Total - (0.2)

230.6/233.6/231.2/234.0/233.8

Down .2 from my new starting weight of 234!  Woooo Hoooo!!!!!  lol.

229.0/227.0/229.4/230.6/229.6/229.8

This blog is on life support.  Time to revive it!

230.2/228.8/228.0

Just when I think I will never go back over 230, the Halloween potluck showed up and my appetite showed up with it.  I believe I consumed enough salt to kill a small horse.  Doing better since Monday.  But, I just can't seem to string together two straight weeks.  I imagine that now that my bet is finished (today), I will start taking off the weight!  Tonight, I promise, I will expand on the bet.

226.2/226.0/226.0/227.2

I seem to be stuck.  In fact, I looked at my average weight for the month of October and it was 227.7.  I have pretty much been within a couple pounds of that for most of the days.  Still exercising.  But, can't seem to focus in on my eating habits.  Blah, blah, blah...

227.0/225.0/224.8

Okay, it's one thing to not be able to find the time to post a nightly blog entry with substance.  But, now I have gotten so bad that I am not even providing daily weight updates.  I still need this blog way more than I thought and that needs to change. 

Back under 225.  Someone asked me if I had given up the other day.  The one positive thing throughout this is that I haven't.  I still plan to be around the 200 mark again by the  end of the year.  Upped the exercise last night and starting to eat a little better.  I just realized that this is the first time I have been under 225 since September 27.  So, that is encouraging... though somewhat depressing as well. 

227.6/228.2/227.8/227.8/227.2

I realize my blogs have been light over the last few days.  That is the only thing "light" about me over that time period.  Pretty uneventful weekend.  Started the above gain with a big jump after a night of wings and beer watching the World Series opener.  In fact, the 1.4 gain was good news after that particular night.  On Saturday, I went to the Colorado vs. Oregon football game with my son.  Once again, being the same weight on Sunday that I was on Saturday came as a big and welcome surprise.  In the end, I am somewhat amazed that I start the week lower than I ended last week.  And, once again, I start my Monday with renewed optimism that this is the week that I get this thing going again. 

226.2

Loser...

226.4

Needed that.  Down 3 pounds after a really good day.  I even plan on skipping a dinner with a vendor tonight to stay on track.  Need to get over this hump and be completely diligent.

228.6/230.4/...229.4

Still struggling to get through a weekend unscathed.  When I see these numbers, I honestly want to stop blogging because I hate typing them.  Not even a bet can help keep me motivated.  More on that later...

225.4

Down 1.2 pounds and 6.8 since getting back from Chicago!  I am now below the weight that I was before I left for Chicago... so, I can put that business trip behind me.  Feeling even more motivated after seeing myself in the reflection at the club last night.  Did I tell you how disturbing it was to see my man-boobs bouncing again when I was running?

226.6

Down .6 pounds.  The best news is that of the 8 days since I have been back from Chicago, my weight has gone down on 7 of them.  I won't get too cocky quite yet.  But, feeling better about myself... though the image in the reflection from the window tonight at the club was slightly upsetting.  But, I found the energy to get there and it felt good to run again.

227.2

Down 1.2 for the day and 5 pounds over the week since returning from Chicago.  Got a prescription from the doctor yesterday with the hopes of kicking this sinus infection and getting back in to the gym by tomorrow or Friday.  I need a good weekend to keep this momentum.  Between you and I, I would love to be close to 220 by next Monday. An agressive goal, but definitely possible.   

228.4

Down .8 pounds. Still wanting to have a 2 or 3 pound drop. But, with this sinus infection and not being able to find the energy to go to the club, I guess I will take it. These walks just don't seem to shed the pounds like running on the treadmill does.

229.2

Well, I blew it.  Even sick as a dog, I am unable to supress my appetite.  Whenever I am looking up symptoms on sites such as WebMD, many of them list "lack of appetite".  So, I can usually rule all of those out.  Or, I may not ever truly be able to diagnose my illness based on never having experiened a "lack of appetite"!

228.0

Down .4.  Nothing earth shattering.  But, at this point, I will take anything that is lower than the day before.

228.4

Down another pound and striving to actually lose weight over the weekend.  Down 3.8 since my gluttonous adventures in Chicago.

229.4

Back under 230 and down 1.8 pounds.  I beg you, Anthony, please never go back over 230 again the rest of your life!  Thanks.

231.2

At this weight, even a pound down no longer can brighten my spirits.  That 230-something is so depressing.

227.4/227.6/228.4.............. 232.2

As expected, I broke the 230 barrier after my four-day trip to Chicago.  Expecting the inevitable doesn't actually equate to accepting the inevitable.  I was still somewhat crushed to see that number even though I told myself I wasn't going to care and made no  attempt to even pretend to be good in the Windy City.

And,  I wasn't.  I ate all of my favorites and it was good.  And today, I wake up with renewed optimism that really has no grounds based  on my recent trending.  But, I really still do believe.

My biggest goal for this next month is to get back to a point where I am proud of my accomplishment again.  Right now, people still tell  me congrats and that I look great.  But, I no longer believe it or feel it.  Plus, I can't afford a new wardrobe...

225.4

I have run out of words to describe my disappointment in myself.  I am not even able to string together two days in a row anymore.  To make matters worse, I have a business trip to Chicago next week.  Chicago just happens to be my favorite city in the world.  And, you know me, much of what makes it my favorite are the restaurants!  I am not sure what is the hardest thing about updating my weight on this blog every morning, the embarassment of posting my latest failure or thinking of some way to add words to it that I haven't said before.  Just yesterday morning, I was actually hoping to be under 222 today, 221 by tomorrow, and 220 by Friday.  Silly Anthony...

223.6

I won't even pretend I am back on track based on recent events.  But, I will take the 3.4 pound drop and  only say that yesterday morning felt like a true wake-up call and watching The Biggest Loser last night reminded me of where I was not too long ago. 

"It's The Marinuccis!"

Last week, I came home from work and Lori and I took off for a bike ride.  I had forgotten how much I loved riding and have had a lot of fun with our new bicycles.  So, we took off for the path along the river and decided to head towards downtown.  Not long after getting to the path, I slowed down to take a drink.  As we approached a slight curve in the trail, I reached for my water bottle with my right hand while my left hand rested on the break and handlebars.  As I was taking a drink, I heard voices coming down the path and heard Lori say that there were people ahead.  A split second later I saw a small dog round the corner heading directly in my path.  When I saw the dog, my natural reaction was to squeeze the brake.  And, because I was caught by surprise, I squeezed it hard. 

So, those who don't know bicycles very well are now saying, "So what?!".  Those who know bicycles are saying, "Oops!".  In the U.S., on most bicycles, the brake lever that is controlled by the left hand is the front brake.  And, while the front brake is perfectly fine when combined with the back brake, it is not so good when used by itself and squeezed quickly and with force.  The front wheel stopped.  My bike, my water bottle, and I did not.  My body went over the handlebars while the back of my bike flipped over and landed on top of me.  In the second it took me to hit the pavement, fleeting thoughts of embarassment and imminent pain raced through my head.  It is bad enough to fall with nobody watching and slightly worse to fall in front of your wife.  But, add to it the embarassment of falling in front of strangers who just happened to cross paths with you.  And then, as I lay there trying to ascertain the extent of damage I had done to my body, I heard a familiar voice say, "It's the Marinuccis!".  It was Julie Lockett.  She was walking with Ursula Kochenberger and Kelly Gordon.  The only thing worse than falling in front of complete strangers walking by is falling in front of three ladies who happen to be friends. 

I started laughing at my incredible good luck.  I laughed so hard at hearing Julie Lockett's voice that I couldn't even stand up.  Well, that and the fact that the bike was now intertwined with my legs.  I think I made it look worse because I wasn't moving.  I just kept laying there and laughing uncontrollably.  Finally, I got up and realized that I had fallen quite gracefully and that I was relatively unscathed.  The only thing that I felt was slight pain in my left palm where I had broken my fall.  Even better than my physical good fortune was picking up my bike and realizing that it had survived the fall even better than I.  Other than a slight twist of the handlebar to align it with the front wheel, there wasn't anything wrong with the bike.  Not a scratch.  Right then, Kelly mentioned that something had flown towards the bank of the river.  I assured her that it was not my teeth and knew that it was my water bottle that had been launched ahead. 

After retrieving my bottle and then sharing some good-hearted laughter and conversation, we finally moved on.  We continued to laugh at hearing Julie's voice exclaim, "It's the Marinuccis".  When we returned home, my right knee started hurting and I realized I had bruised and scratched my knee.  The next day, I realized I had bruised my arm as well.  But overall, I was very fortunate to land as well as I did and felt lucky that my bike and body had come out of it so well.  Here's to always being able to make fun of yourself and to falling gracefully...

224.4/226.8/227.0

I want to cry.  After eating Manhattan's Pizza on Friday night and maintaining the same weight Saturday morning, I was actually kind of suprised and a little excited.  I told myself that was going to be the start of a good weekend.  And, then proceeded to eat everything in sight!  I realized this morning that I have gained 29 pounds since my lowest weight!  That is hard to even fathom. 

I spent the weekend mad at all of the people I ran in to at the Chile Festival who  told me how great I looked. I wanted to tell them to stop.  I wanted to tell them they were wrong!  I felt guilty hearing the compliments and knowing what I have done over the last few months.

This morning I logged in to myfitnesspal.com for the first time in months.  I know I promised a couple of months ago.  But, it never happened.  It's just one thing.  But, it works for me and I am glad that I finally went back to it.  I didn't exercise yesterday.  So, my new streak died an early death.  Tonight, I am going back to the gym. 

224.4

Up 1.8.  Frank/Will - Please don't send me an e-mail.  I already know I am a loser.

222.6

Chinese buffet for lunch yesterday... 'nuff said.

221.8

Why do I even keep posting?

220.6/219.8/221.6/221.8/221.6

Sorry Kelsea, I guess I haven't made good on my promise.  You can blame your mom's green chile.  I love that stuff.

My Little Girl

Over the last few months, I have spent a lot of time whining about the stress in my life... okay, maybe way too much time.  And, maybe I was trying to justify my weight gain and my sudden out-of-control eating habits. Some of it was my Dad's situation, some of it was work-related, but the one constant stressor that has weighed heavily on me was my daughter Kelsea's health problems. 

For almost two years, my daughter has battled an illness that has consumed her life.  I won't go in to the details here.  But, to this day, her illness has never been truly diagnosed.  The only guess anyone has had is based on a diagnosis by exclusion... which in layman's terms means they have ruled out everything they can possibly test for and this is the only thing left.  That includes cancer, tuberculosis, infections, auto-immune deficiencies, and on and on and on.  That diagnosis is an extremely rare illness that is common in females who have been pregnant and are 30-40 years old.  My daughter does not fall in to either category. 

So, after several hospital visits, 30+ doctors, countless tests and procedures, stints of prednisone, methotrexate and other drugs, the side effects of those drugs, missed time at work, a semester lost of school, and a wave of bad I.V. attempts that left her in pain, my daughter finally gave up.  She stopped taking the drugs and scheduled a surgery to remove the problematic tissue and attempt to get on with her life.

As a parent, there is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain; wishing that you could trade places and take all of that pain on.  Even knowing that this was a positive thing in the long run, it still hurt to know that my daughter was having this surgery... a surgery that no 20 year old girl should have to go through. I was sad, excited, anxious, hopeful, and scared.  I have hardly slept over the past week.  I tried to be mentally present at our quarterly meetings this week... with little luck. I spent Tuesday night at a restaurant during a business meeting fighting to stay focused on the discussion while constantly finding my mind drifting off to her surgery scheduled for Wednesday morning.  I worked until 3 AM Tuesday night and finally went to bed exhausted.  Despite that, I still couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until the alarm woke me three hours later.  I gave a morning presentation; slightly numb and fighting back tears.  I finished and then rushed to the hospital.

When I got there, I found my daughter bright-eyed and excited.  Nervous still, though mostly of the impending I.V. (it's a long story), but mostly anxious to get this done and move on with her life.  I was, and still am, amazed at her strength throughout this ordeal.  I know she has had her moments and I have seen her break down.  Yet, she remains as strong as any young lady could be given the circumstances.  I remember teasing her a couple of years ago when she got a very small tattoo on the inside of her wrist that represented "strength".  Well, Kelsea, I didn't get it then.  But, I get it now.  You are truly strong and have an incredible spirit and that tattoo is fitting.  I wish your father was even half as strong as you have been.  I have been in hospitals when I needed to leave the room so that I could cry alone in a hallway so that my daughter wouldn't see me that upset.  My only strength has been hiding that weakness from her and trying to appear positive at all times.

Kelsea is home now.  The surgery went incredibly well and she is already relatively pain-free.  So incredibly brave.  Her attitude is incredible.  The doctor was incredibly positive and extremely optimistic that this should take care of her illness.

Last night I slept.  I slept like a baby.  I think I will sleep even more contently tonight.  I realized this week that all of the stressors I have mentioned before paled in comparison to this particular one.  I remain optimistic that this will take care of the problem and that my little girl can get on with her life. 

Tomorrow, I will regrettably post another number that disgusts me.  Too much food and no exercise while in Denver.  Tonight I started my new exercise streak.  One I hope to get to 550 days to break my record.  Tomorrow, I will try to get myself back on track food-wise.  I will try to find the strength that my daughter has shown me over the last two years... in her honor.

I love you Kelsea Nicole Marinucci!  I will always be proud and amazed by your strength and spirit.  Here's to watching your little girl grow up to be such an incredible woman... 

217.6

I guess I wasn't sick enough.  Down .2.

217.8

Maybe I should be sick more often.  Down 1.6 pounds.

The Streak Ends

After 549 straight days, my exercise streak finally came to an end.  I knew it would take sickness or an injury to prevent me from working out.  And, I was right.  I felt like crap on Wednesday and Thursday.  But, I still felt good enough to exercise.  Yesterday was different.  I came home and my head felt like it was about to explode.  My stomach didn't feel good.  My body felt exhausted.  And, I was tired.  Despite all this, I still asked Lori if she wanted to go on a walk.  She begged me to sit on the couch and rest.  So, we watched a movie.  I felt worse when the movie ended.  Yet, I asked one more time if she wanted to go for a walk as I struggled with the thought of ending my streak one day shy of 550 days.  It took everything I had to make myself not go and I had to mentally convince myself that the streak wasn't as important as I had made it out to be.  Finally, I let it go and went to bed.

I managed right at a year and a half.  Today I feel even worse.  But, as soon as I feel even remotely better, I will start again.  Here's to a new streak...

219.4

It's a miracle!  Despite our visit to Mi Ranchito's, I still lost .2.  So, my mom is allowed to visit in the future!

219.6

With my mom coming to town and a visit to Mi Ranchito's on the horizon, it would have been safer to be at 215 going in to this weekend.

YOU SUCK

As many of you know, and I may have even spoke of it here, I have an Excel spreadsheet where I have tracked my progress over the last year and a half.  At one time, early on, it included my nutritional info, exercise, and weight.  Lately, I have only been updating my daily weight.  Well, as I gained weight, I added a column to the spreadsheet that compared my current weight against last year's weight on the same day.  My goal was to try to be lower than last year.  I knew I was getting close, but hoped I wouldn't be heavier than a year ago.  The column does some math and then has a formula that returns the value "good" if I am still lower than the previous year.  So, for the last six weeks or so, I have continued to see "good" in the column.  I forgot what the value in the formula was if I was heavier.  Well, today I entered in my weights for the last week and I found out.  In bold capital letters, my spreadsheet said "YOU SUCK".  On August 29, I weighed 1.6 more than last year.  Then I was "good" over the next five days.  I have sucked once again since September 4.  In fact, it has been as high as a 6.6 pound difference.  Well, the spreadsheet doesn't lie... even if it was kind of rude about it.  Let's see how long it takes me to get back to "good".

220.6/222.0

Down 1.2 yesterday and then two business meetings with a slopper and sushi combo did me in.  Stupid business meetings...

218.0/220.0/220.2/221.8

I am a fat pig!  All of that willpower that I showed for over a year straight, has seemingly left me.  I keep thinking it's still there... at least I tell myself that mentally.  But, when I go to eat, it seems to cower in the corner afraid to battle my large and in charge appetite.  My three day willpower streaks are met and exceeded by my three day binges.  My stomach is back.  My man boobs are back.  My clothes fit me slightly uncomfortable.  And, I walked around the state fair this weekend with that feeling of being way too stuffed... a feeling that I had tried to remove from my existence.  The only place my willpower rears it's little head is when I go to exercise... which is a very good thing or this tale of woe could be even more depressing.  But, don't give up on me or the blog!  Today is a new day!

217.4

Better.  Down 4.2 pounds!  Thanks Deanne for the reprimand!  I needed that.  And congrats on the upcoming nuptials.  Instead of 215, I am going to try for 210 by the wedding date.  I need to look good at the wedding... oh wait, I wasn't invited!  So, lose those last two for me... in fact, lose another for good measure.  And, have an incredible day and wedding!

219.8/221.8/221.4/220.4/221.6

These are not good days for me.  After a good Friday, the weekend was brutal.  What's worse is that I didn't even care and I knew what I was doing with myself.  I think that's my biggest concern.  There are days I am bad despite knowing I am being bad and feeling a little guilty about it.  Saturday concerned me because I didn't even feel guilty.  I just pigged out.  As bad I was, I was still stunned by the almost 6 pounds gained and now I am reeling once again.  Yesterday included a two hour bike ride and running at the club.  My reward?  A 1.2 pound weight gain!  The numbers have been so bad that I haven't even wanted to post them here. 

215.8/214.0

Down .4 yesterday morning and another 1.8 today.  I haven't been 214 in almost a month.  Feeling better each day and anxious to get back to 210.  Leaving now to pick up my new bicycle... an activity that I used to love and haven't done in many years.  Looking forward to getting back on the road!

216.2

Why do my bad days seem to cause bigger changes than my good days?

214.8

Down .6 pounds.  Under 215 for the first time in 29 days!  Down 8 pounds in 8 days.  And, I can already tell how much better I feel physically.  Although I have been barely under a couple of times, it has really been since May 13 since I have been under 210.  That was the day that I made a huge jump from 205.2 to 211.6 after eating way too much at a Rockies' game.  What I thought I would and could correct quickly now looks like a 4 month project. 

215.4

A whopping .2 pounds lost...

215.6

I needed a number like that!  Down 4.2 pounds after a great day and feeling better.  Lower than my pre-weekend weight and 7.2 pounds lower than last Tuesday's weight.  That's a good six day period and, though I am hesistant to even write this, I feel like I have my mojo back.  When I get back under 200, I will accept some five pound swings.  But, I never want to do a 25 pounds swing again!

219.8

Not a great Saturday.  But, today was an awesome day and I am kind of hoping for one of those 3+ pound days tomorrow.

218.8

Down .8 and finally making better decisions again.

220.6/219.6

No change yesterday.  Back under 220 this morning.  I would like to stay there this time.  Hard to believe that I am now just trying to get to 215 again... then to 210... then to 205...  feels like I have done this before...

220.6

Despite a birthday lunch with my friends from work at my favorite Chinese buffet, I was still down 2.2 pounds.  While not great at the buffet, I did manage to show some control... though I still would have bet on a MSG and sodium weight gain.  But, a small dinner and a workout kept that buffet at bay.  That was a good start to this day.  All of the obligatory bad meals are out of the way and my business trip that was to start today has been cancelled. 

222.8

Because Lori works tonight, we celebrated my birthday last night and she made me an awesome spaghetti and meatballs dinner... something I hadn't had for some time.  It was incredible!  Lori made me promise that I wouldn't be mad at her when I woke up this morning after consuming way too many spaghetti, meatballs, Pueblo chiles, and garlic bread.  So, as promised, I am not mad at her.  I did not make the same promise about myself and my disgust with myself grows daily.  I actually had a small part of me wonder  how many days I would keep posting my weight if I failed to turn this ship around and kept gaining.  Well, I hope to not have to make that decision. 

500... Well, Actually 524

Lost in all my whining and less-than-blog-worthy eating habits over the last couple of months is the fact that I have never stopped exercising.  The streak still continues.  On July 22, I hit the 500 day mark.  Five hundred straight days of exercise!  Today, I actually hit 524. 

That streak might be the only reason I am not 250 pounds today and I am glad that I have it to fall back on.  I still look forward to my daily exercise and plan to continue extending this streak until the day that I find it physically impossible.  Here's to never seeing the day when the streak ends...

217.8/216.8/218.2/221.0

Yes, I was over 220 today.  And, I feel like crying.  Just because you don't offer up any more excuses for your bad behavior doesn't necessarily lead to an end of that bad behavior.  I need to change something because now my weight is once again effecting my mood... which is pretty foul this morning.

No More Excuses... Quit Your Whining Cry Baby!

I started this post about six weeks ago.  Like my recent weight-loss efforts, blogging efforts, and general life intentions, I never finished.  My actual malaise started long before that, about six weeks earlier.  So, this funk I have been in has lasted approximately three months!  Shame on me...

It started in the middle of May when the canvas top of my convertible was ripped open at a local baseball field.  It's a horrible feeling of violation when your property is vandalized and the worst part is having to deal with the repairs.  The next day, a friend of my father's called and told me that my dad had suffered a heart attack the night before.  After a couple of days of updates, I decided that it was bad enough that I needed to fly to Florida to be with him.  That 10 day trip turned in to 19 days when my dad passed away the day before I was to return home.  Yet, despite all of that, I never let myself wallow in any self pity.  I helped my dad while he was alive and then worked on taking care of his estate afterwards.  I stayed busy and I think that helped. 

The day after I got back home after a long drive from Florida with my son, I decided to walk to the club for a run... my car was still in the shop from the events that took place before my trip down South.  On my way, I was attacked by two angry and agressive boxers.  After several blows to each of them and a couple of kicks, they finally turned away and ran off.  My heart was racing and, for the first time, I had a moment where I felt sorry for myself.  A moment where I questioned what I had done wrong to deserve the bitch-slap that karma was putting on me.  As I continued to the club, I felt tired, mentally worn out, and a little bit stressed.  Of course, none of that kept me from rushing to the club.  The club was closing in 45 minutes and I quickly brushed past the people who wanted to know what had happened.  I still needed to get my run on!

When I returned to work, I continued to feel stress as I realized that all of the progress I had made towards transitioning in to my new role at work had taken a huge step backwards by missing close to three weeks.  Couple that with an internal audit that was going on that involved my old job, and the stress was compounded. 

While all of this was going on, I continued to work on all of the necessary details of dealing with my dad's estate and the financial burden while we wait on funds to be disbursed from various sources. 

I started to eat poorly.  I started to gain weight.  I started to drink soda.  I started to eat popcorn at work.  I started all of the bad habits that I had worked so hard to stop.  Of course, as I gained weight and continued to feel crappy from my poor eating, the stress only increased.  I felt more stressed, more overwhelmed, more unorganized, and more chaotic than I ever had in my whole life. 

And then it hit me, not only was I feeling stressed, but I was talking about it.  I was whining to people.  I was sharing my stress with anyone who would listen.  In fact, I had become a whiny little bitch.  I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to feel sorry for myself.  I never wanted for anybody else to feel sorry for me either.

But, then I could tell by the tone of my friends and family as they started talking to me in worried tones with some concern that I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was eating poorly and justifying it with the excuse that I was stressed.  Telling myself that I would get busy again once my life was in order.  Yet, I wasn't changing anything.  I was still whining.

Well, I am done whining.  I won't promise that I will be 200 by a certain date.  But, I will promise that I am not going to feel sorry for myself any longer.  I am not going to keep usng this as an excuse.  I am trying to remember how much easier every day was when I felt as good as I did at 200 pounds.  How rested I felt after sleeping well.  How much positive energy I had when putting on clothes and feeling good about the way I looked.  I want to be that guy again.

I feel like yesterday was a turning point.  Not sure why I think it will stick this time.  I know I have thought this a couple times over the last three months.  But, I know I stopped myself as I reached for the popcorn and went towards the soda machine at work today.  Tomorrow, I will start using myfitnesspal.com again to track calories.  While I am pretty sure I know how much most things are now, I think there is value in the tracking process that serves as a reminder.  I will attempt to write in this blog, besides the morning  weights, at least three times a week.  I will attempt to feel deserving when people tell me that I look great... because I haven't for the last two months.  I will go back to living my life with the positive energy that I have always strived for. 

Thanks to those who have put up with my whining.  Thanks for those who have lended an ear. I apologize to all of you for making you listen.  I apologize for not being the person who people wanted to read about.  I apologize to my followers on this blog for not being very inspirational.  Here's to being inspirational...

217.6

Down 1.8.  Today is a new day!

219.4

Uh oh...

I will not go over 220!

217.8

Down .2 pounds.  Whoopity-Doooooooooo!

216.4/215.4/218.0

Another crappy weekend kicked off by a trip to Souper Salad on Friday night.  Souper Salad is one of those chains, like Soup Plantation and Sweet Tomatoes, where people get to eat a lot of food at a buffet under the guise of eating "salad".  Let's go to a salad bar!  It's definitely a great way to lie to yourself.  After consuming pizza, tacos, bread, high-caloric dressings and toppings, ice cream, etc., you are left wondering how you could have gained weight and eaten 4,000 calories at a salad place.  Although we stayed very active all weekend, I finished the weekend with another buffet yesterday.  So, after promising that I would never eat buffets again, I managed to bookend my entire weekend with them. 

215.4

Down .8, that's the good news.  The bad news is that I fully expected a great weekend because we were going backpacking.  But, we decided to rest our bodies after some busy weekends.  Instead, we planned a weekend of riding our new bikes that we planned to pick up last night.  Well, Lori got hers.  But, mine was the wrong size.  So, no bikes either.  So, this leaves me to find another activity to burn lots of calories and keep my mind off food.  Wish me luck...

216.2

Down 1.4 pounds with a healthy weekend planned.  

217.6

Up .4 pounds after another dinner out.  What makes this really bad is that I didn't even enjoy the restaurant yet I still ate enough to gain weight!

216.4/217.6/---/---/219.4/217.2

I am not even sure what happened to Thursday's update.  Maybe I was just tired of posting depressing numbers.  But, I really don't recall skipping.  Friday I weighed.  But, woke up early to cimb a fourteener and didn't get a chance to post.  Saturday and Sunday I was out of town with no internet connectivity.  And yesterday...  well, yesterday was just flat out depressing when I saw 219.4... which was still better than what I saw Sunday night! 

No more Phase 3.  Not that I am done trying.  Just tired of talking about it like I need a phase or some goofy acronym will help me lose weight.  The irony of me not posting is that I have been wanting to post more.  So, there will be a flurry of posts soon including the recap of our climb on Friday. 

Now I attempt to make good on my conversation with my friend Will about getting to 200  in 60 days.  What I thought I could do in 30 may end up being difficult to achieve in 60!  Baby steps...

216.6/216.0/217.6/214.0/217.0

Friday, July 22 - Lori and I belatedly celebrate our anniversary with a nice night at home eating chips, salsa and guacamole and drinking margaritas.  Nice night, bad result... 3.0 gain.

Saturday, July 23 - We go to Water World for a great day... one filled with lots of mindless exercise and good healthy eating.  We ruing it by going to Red Robin.  Last year I was eating half a burger and fewer fries.  This year, I am eating the whole burger and more than my one serving of fries.  Ugh... down .6 only because of the physical activity.

Sunday, July 24 - I go to Captain D's and eat way too much fried fish.  It was tasty... about 1.6 pounds of tasty.

Monday, July 25 - I eat fairly well, go golfing, and eat a small dinner and am rewarded with a 3.6 pound drop.  These are the days I feel normal again.

Tuesday, July 26 - I join a friend at work and a vendor for an excellent dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  The Roadhouse is never good for my wasteline and costs me 3.0 pounds.

So, the roller coaster continues.  And, yet, my confidence never wavers despite only losing 2 pounds over the last three weeks.  Weirdo.

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 22 - 3.0, Total - (2.0)

213.6

Okay, with that 1.8 pound gain, I guess I will concede.  Even as of yesterday I still was optimistic about meeting my 30 day goal.  But, with another bad day, my prospects look bleak.

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 17 - 1.8, Total - (5.4)

211.8

Down 2.2 pounds.  Whadda-you-know, closing in on 210 again!  lol.

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 16 - (2.2), Total - (7.2)

214.0

Down .4 pounds.  Running out of days in July...

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 15 - (0.4), Total - (5.0)

214.4

Better...

Wasn't I just under 210?

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 14 - (2.6), Total - (4.6)

211.2/214.0/217.0

Heavily buttered popcorn at HP7B on Friday, followed by Mi Ranchito's on Saturday, and finished off with a nice birthday party for my son's girlfriend that included plenty of good food and great people.  'Nuff said...

All of my progress eliminated with a horrible weekend...

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 13 - 3.0, Total - (2.0)

211.0

Up .6 pounds after a two day business trip.  Desperately searching for a drop that does not keep me close to 210.  Would like to see 205 somewhere over the next week or so. 

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 10 - 0.6, Total - (8.0)

210.4

That's yesterday's weight.  I left early for a business trip and wasn't able to post my weight.  Today, I wake up in Steamboat Springs and now document the sad fact that I only spent one day under 210.  Yesterday wasn't much better so I can only imagine where I am this morning.  For the first time since last week, I have to enter a weight gain below.  See you tomorrow. 

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 8 - 0.8, Total - (8.6)

209.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After breaking this barrier a long long time ago, I shouldn't be this excited to do it again.  But, I have managed to blow it every time I was close.  So, I am still pretty happy today.  In addition, I am down 9.4 pounds over the last week since I saw that ugly 219 number!  I feel like I am mentally on top of this again and that is encouraging.

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 7 - (1.4), Total - (9.4)

211.0

After a weekend of backpacking in the mountains and hiking at least 10 hours while eating limited rations of food, I only lost 1.2 pounds.  Lori did what I expected and lost about 5.  So disappointed.  I guess the only good news is that I wasn't up... which is my typical Monday motus operandi.  I guess I will continue to have to wait to break 210.  At least the weekend was incredible!

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 6 - (1.2), Total - (8.0)

212.2

I had a pretty good day yesterday.  So, only .2 pounds is a little bit of a bummer.  But, as long as that needle keeps moving down, I will remain content.  Now, we wait until Monday morning for the next weigh-in.  Come on Anthony, only 2.4 pounds!

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 3 - (0.2), Total - (6.8)

212.4

I want to get excited about the last two days.  But, each time I have done that over the last two months, I have regressed just as I closed on the 210 barrier.  Each time I kept thinking, "Okay, it finally clicked and I am now back in a groove", only to be sidelined by a bad weekend.  I don't think that will happen this time.  I think 219 was a good enough wake-up call.  So, I am happy about my 2.8 pound drop and cautiously optimistic.

I have been really good the last two days and I am hoping to actually lose weight over the weekend and break a recent trend.  Lori and I are going backpacking in the mountains and I plan to burn a lot more calories hiking than I consume.  It would be nice to weigh myself on Monday and be back under 210.

Yesterday, my friend Will e-mailed me.  The subject of the e-mail was "Whoaaaaaaaaaa Big Boy." and the opening sentence was "What's up (besides your weight) Heavy A?".  That made me laugh.  I like when my old friend e-mails me for several reasons.  One, it's nice to know he still reads my blog regularly.  Two, he is a good motivator when I fall off the wagon and helps me not to go psychotic on those weekends where I gain a few pounds.  Three, I know that he has been through the same struggle and gets it.  He works hard during the week to minimize the damages from the weekends that he enjoys so much.  And lastly, and most importantly, he gives me shit!  He may offer up the occasional "don't worry about it".  But, I prefer the fat comments.  Will is one of the few who is more than willing to give me some tough love even if he says it in a joking tone.  And it motivates me.  I find motivation in any way I can.  So, yesterday he says, "You can get it back to 2 bills in about 60 days.  Stay motivated".  Now, he didn't mean that as a challenge.  He was being supportive.  But, I responded that I would do it in half that time.  So, I turned this harmless comment in to my own personal challenge.  In fact, last night I told myself that I didn't even need the 30 days and that 26 would be enough.  So, I have given myself until the end of July to get back to 200.  Thanks Will!

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 2 - (2.8), Total - (6.6)

215.2

Much better... down 3.8 pounds.  Not sure what to call this phase.  I have repeatedly said I was starting Phase 3, which was intended to take me from the 198-205 mark down below 195.  Sadly, Phase 3 never went anywhere.  So, I don't know if this is now Phase 3 or if I should consider this shitty two month period as it's own phase!  So, not sure that I have a number for it, but I have an acronym... WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG phase.  That's the What The F*&# You Dumb Ass, No More Excuses, No More Whining, Get Your Ass In Gear phase!  Yesterday was a serious eye opener.  21 pounds heavier than my lowest number during this journey and a weight similar to what I was last September!

WTFYDANMENMWGYAIG, Day 1 - (3.8), Total - (3.8)

211.6/210.2/214.8/217.6/219.0

OMG!  Yes, after a dreadful weekend, that number is correct.  Actually followed up the 214.4 from last Thursday with a good Friday, losing 2.8, and a decent Saturday, losing another 1.4.  And then, my mind once again said, "Screw that!  I don't want to break 210" and I happily obliged!  So, three straight horrible days later and I find myself as high as I was last September.  Please shoot me...

214.4

Oh Anthony...

Once again, I ruin my opportunity to get back under 210 with Mexican food for lunch.  I decided that I didn't get enough Mexican food and so I had it again for dinner! 

210.4

Okay, I forgot to post about no more excuses. But, I did manage to live it for a second straight day and lost another 2 pounds.  So, for the third time since I came back from Florida, I find myself on the precipice of getting back under 210.  Which, while nice, still is 10 pounds away from any real sense of satisfaction.  But, it's a start. 

212.4

My sister, brother, and I all made a pact to help motivate each other.  Over the two weeks since, I think I have gained or done nothing.  My sister, on the other hand, has lost 10 pounds!  I am proud of her and disappointed in me.  Yesterday, I think I made that mental switch again.  No more excuses...  a topic I will elaborate on tonight.  Down 1.4 pounds.

213.8

A very good day ruined by a late, and very unecessary, dinner.

210.8/211.6 /212.8

On Friday, I found myself once again on the brink of going back below 210.  Two disappointing days later, I have put two pounds back on and am nowhere close. 

211.0

Down 2.2 pounds!  I guess the one positive thing about working 17 straight hours is not finding the time to eat!

213.2

Not great, but better...

213.6

Alrighty then...

214.6/214.2/214.8

Those are the Saturday, Sunday, and Monday numbers respectively.  I continue to post unimpressive results.  That is, when I get around to it.  But, tonight I will talk about "no more excuses"... and try to actually follow my own advice.

210.4/214.2

Not good.  I gained .2 on Thursday morning and another 3.8 yesterday after a meal at P.F. Chang's.  Yes, as always, I understand that this is mostly water retention from the loads of sodium I ate yesterday.  But, it still sets me back.  Tonight we go to Texas Roadhouse to celebrate my wife's parent's wedding anniversary and I am guessing that this makes for a bad weekend.  I need to find a string of days and get out of this funk.  And here I thought I was going to be below 210 by today.

210.2

Another .8 pounds down... I will take it.

211.0

Moving the needle down...

214.0/215.4/215.2/----/211.8

Well, there it is.  My life has been in some turmoil over the last few weeks.  I am almost amazed that I am not far heavier given my eating and exercise habits over that timeframe.  I have only been to the gym a couple of times over the last week, though I have gotten in some exercise even if it is only walking.  I continued to stress-eat over a very busy weekend.  And yes, that is a blank on Sunday.  For the first time since I started this journey and this blog, I forgot to weigh myself at home!  I have missed while out of town.  But, I hadn't missed a single weigh-in when I woke up at my house.  I was so busy and preoccupied that my health was put on the backburner.

But, today is a new day.  After a beautiful weekend where my brother and sisters got together to say goodbye to my dad, it is time to focus.  My sister Gina and my brother Frank and I agreed to communicate more often and keep each other on task.  My plan is to get back under 200 in about a month and still hope to get to 193 by my birthday.  I also made a "pregnancy pact" with a girl I work with, Michelle, and agreed to sacrifice soda, popcorn, and candy since she couldn't partake in her current condition.  So, I drank a lot of Pepsi last night before I went to bed to say a proper goodbye!

This weekend also included judging a Kansas City Barbeque Society BBQ contest at the Boats, Bands, and Barbeque festival on Saturday.  Lots of fun, but lots of food.  So again, between the BBQ, the beers, etc., I am feeling lucky to be only 211.8.

215.2/215.4

Maybe I should go back to Florida...

213.4

My mom is in town.  Yesterday was the mandatory quarterly visit to Mi Ranchito's.  Of course, I don't have an excuse for today which was lunch at a Chinese buffet. 

I'm Back! 212.0

After 19 long days, I am finally home again!  Over those three weeks, I gained 3.2 pounds... and I couldn't be happier.  I have not been very good over that period of time.  Between the stress of losing my father, all of the temptations that a big city like Tampa presents, and a refrigerator full of bad food, I couldn't stop eating.  I am not looking for sympathy or even justifying my behavior because of the events over the last couple of weeks.  I am simply reiterating some well-established habits of mine and wondering how the number above wasn't far worse.

Within three days of arriving in Tampa, I had already had three of my favorites, Panda Express, Qdoba, and Chik-Fil-A, with plans to visit Long John's Silvers, CiCi's Pizza, and a first-time visit to Five Guys.  When I wasn't eating out, I was eating too much pasta with my dad. Real pasta, not whole wheat, something I hadn't had in probably over a year!  I started noticing my stomach a little more.  I felt like I had gained 20 pounds. 

After a few days of that, I finally settled down and started eating a little bit better.  Well, as good as I could eat without having a refrigerator full of all of the things that make it easy for me to be good.  I was running each evening in that awful Florida humidity and there was even a point about a week after I got there that I felt like I might have been lighter. 

Well, that all changed after my father passed.  After that day, where I ate practically nothing, I proceeded to eat pretty much everything in site over the last week.  On top of all of my favorites, I had found an ice cream place early in my trip with the perfect soft-serve twist ice cream cone.  In the end, I ate at Chik-Fil-A three times, Qdoba twice, Panda Express twice, Five Guys twice, Burger King twice, CiCi's Pizza, Long John Silver's, Dairy Queen, and Campbell's Dairyland for ice cream about seven times.  The only really good day, other than the day I didn't eat, was an incredible, and very healthy meal, at my friend Will's house.  And, after eating all of my favorites listed above, that healthy meal was still the highlight of my trip!  In addition, my left shin had started to bother me after the first week of running.  I ended up walking over the last two weeks because of the pain.  Though I still exercised every single day that I was there and again last night at 12:15.

Last night, when Niko and I pulled up at about 8:15 PM, I couldn't wait to find the scale... though I knew I wasn't going to like what it said.  I didn't know what to expect.  I feel like I know my body pretty well and I knew I had gained at least 10 pounds.  I fully expected to see 220+ and after a day of driving and sitting on my butt while eating salty snacks, I prepared to see something between 225 and 230.  I told myself to accept whatever it said and be glad that I was home and ready to get busy again.  I could barely step on the scale.  Finally, I did.  213.6.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I was up less than five pounds total.  I thought I was going to cry.  This morning, my official post-trip weight was even better and I am stunned. 

Only 3.2 pounds!  Now, it is time to get busy once again.  If seeing my father struggle with health issues because of weight and diabetes doesn't motivate me to finish what I started, then I doubt anything else will.  It was hard to see my dad struggle to breathe, struggle to move around the house, struggle to sleep.  Today I start again with a promise to my son that he will never have to see me go through those same struggles. 

Here's to being home...

Rest In Peace Dad

My father, Frank Joseph Marinucci, passed away this morning.  This is one of the few posts in this blog not related to my journey... though it may have a profound impact on gettting me back on my path.  I simply wanted to share a few words about my dad.

My dad went in to the hospital with a heart attack two weeks ago.  The following Monday, roughly 11 days ago, I sat in my office at work wondering if I should fly to Florida to be near him, to help him, and to spend some time trying to convince him that he should live closer to family, whether that be mine, my sisters', or my brother's.  I told a friend that I needed some kind of sign, then she left my office.  Seconds later my phone rang and my father said, "Anthony, can you come down here (to Florida)?".  Given the highly unusual request from my dad and the fact that it happened seconds after asking for a sign, I figured that it wasn't going to get any clearer than that.  So, I got online, found the best flight I could, packed, slept three hours, drove to Denver, and boarded a flight a few hours later.  I will never regret that decision. 

When I arrived, my dad looked up at me and said, "Do I know you?".  I laughed and told him it was his son.  Probably a little bit of the drugs talking, but I think a lot of it was that the pictures I had sent recently did not do my weight-loss any justice.  My dad spent the next week telling that story to anyone who would listen and also bragging about how his son had lost 115 pounds.  He kept telling me that he really wasn't playing when he said he didn't know who I was.  I assured him that I could see that he had no clue in his eyes.  I enjoyed how proud he was of me.

We spent the last week doing what my father and I have always done best... talking sports and food.  My dad was a foodie.  Even more than I. It's where I got it from.  He was a great cook.  Another thing I took from him... though he was better and spent more time trying different things.  Throughout the week, he would ask me if I had tried different dishes and then tell me the way to make them if I had not.  We talked baseball, basketball, and hockey as we watched the local Rays, Heat, and Lightning play.  Despite any differences we may have had over the years, we always had a common ground in food and sports.

We talked about my blog and I read him various posts, including the one about me beating him in hoops and how he always brought it up.  He never had a computer or the internet, so this was the only time he got to hear the blog.  He loved it and repeatedly told me I should submit my stories to a magazine.  He was proud of that too.

Whenever I called my dad over the last year, I got the sense that he was tired and close to giving up the fight.  He had various health issues and his overall health had deteriorated rapidly over the last two years.  But, when I was sitting in that hospital room talking to him, I had a sense that he had an emotional lift from me being there and that maybe he remembered why he should keep fighting.  Well, his struggles continued when he got home and that lift subsided a little bit each day.  Part of me thinks he wanted to have this last week with me before moving on.  Maybe that's silly.  But, it felt kind of like he was saying goodbye to me.  He thanked me for making the trip... repeatedly.  He thanked me for everything as I cleaned, cooked, and helped him dress.  He reminisced about anything and everything.  He played a Josh Grobin song about a father and son while we drove over the Sunshine Skyway bridge and told me he always thought of me when he heard it.  Again, if you knew my father, this was not his typical behavior. 

This morning I woke up to a piercing alarm on his external defribillator.  I rushed to his side and tried to perform CPR as the paramedics made their way to his house.  It was already too late.  I had talked to him at 6:30 AM and helped move him to a comfortable position on the couch.  The alarm went off around 45 minutes later.  I hope that he found peace in that last 45 minutes and I hope that he passed without any pain. 

I will tell you one thing as I close.  Never hang on to grudges.  Don't ever let your anger consume you.  You will never regret forgiving a person... at least I never have.  As hard as this was to take time away from my family and work, I will never regret spending the last ten days of my dad's life with him.  I love you dad.  I will miss you.

Frank Joseph Marinucci, 12/16/1940 - 5/27/2011

Where's The Elevator?

Miss me yet?  My dad not having internet connectivity at his place is killing me and putting a dent in my blogging.

Last week, while visiting my dad in the hospital, I walked around the corner to see a group of people that was way too large to fit in to the elevator... and by large I mean the number of people and not the size of the people... I have not become quite that pompous about my weight loss!  Since I had already made a point of climbing the stairs when using the parking garage, I decided that I would do the same inside of the hospital.  So, I turned to a nurse who worked there and asked her where the stairs were.  She looked at me blankly, completely confused.  Eventually, she seemed to guess and point me around the corner.  The stairs were not there.  She clearly hadn't ever used the stairs before.

So, as I was walking down the hall, I turned to another nurse and asked again.  She looked at me like I was an idiot and responded, "Why, do you not like to use the elevator?".  I laughed and said elevators were fine but I wanted to use the stairs.  Luckily, she did know where they were... though she seemed perplexed at why I would want to use them over the elevator.

Now, I realize that people tend to opt for the elevator over the stairs in most circumstances.  But, I kind of thought that in a hospital, the staff might fully understand the benefits of taking the stairs.  While they may not use them either, I didn't expect that my request would be met with such skepticism, confusion, and slight irritation. 

When I was talking to my dad about the parking garage being full, he told me that he liked to go up higher where it was empty and then park close to the elevator.  He bragged that he did the same when he went to the airport.  My rather snide comment was that I was proud of him but maybe that's why he was in the hospital with a heart attack.  Now, don't be upset, my dad and I can joke that way.  But, I was slightly serious.  Here's to taking the stairs more often...

I need to find a scale...

208.8

Down 3.8 pounds.  I am out of town so this will be my last weigh-in for some time.  But, I will try to keep blogging.  Given my current stress over my dad's health, this was a good start and welcome news at 3:00 AM this morning when I awoke. 

Birthday Challenge, Day 1 - (3.8), Overall - (3.8), Pounds To Go - 15.8

205.2/211.6/208.2/211.0/212.6

There it is.  I have been so disappointed in myself over the last few days that I haven't even had the heart to post my weight.  After writing the words "Better..." on Wednesday, I have started a slide that included way too much food at a baseball game and then a weekend of sulking about it that included Pass Key, margaritas, nachos, and Chinese food. 

I am in a serious funk.  I want to offer up the excuses about stress from my new job, my dad's recent health concerns, and other things.  But, those are just bullshit excuses!  This funk started when I fell off of P90X when I was sick.  I haven't done well about all of the stuff I said I would change... like soda, chocolate, and popcorn.  I continue to exercise, which might be my only saving grace. 

The last couple of times I crossed over 210, I felt like they were temporary blips that would be gone with just a couple of days of focus.  But, for some reason, this feels different.  This feels like a permanent change to my body and I can see and feel it.  I ate so much salt at the baseball game on Thursday that I felt like crap for two days.  Today, I can feel my stomach protruding again.

I know I have talked about Phase 3 before and failed.  Well, it's time to try again.  Maybe I need a different name.  But, I do know that I need a new mini-goal.  Since my birthday is exactly three months away, that is the end date for my newest challenge.  I weight 212.6 today.  My goal is still 193.  So, I need to lose 19.6 pounds in 92 days.  This will be called my Birthday Challenge.  No more whining... time to stop this self-loathing and move forward. 

204.8

Better...

207.0

Uhhh, yeah, I don't think I am going to get to 193 in four weeks...

206.6

Up 2.4 pounds after a weekend of Lori and I enabling each other.  I have been a little disappointed at myself over the last few months.  But, today is the first time in awhile that I remember being truly disgusted in myself.  Jerk.  Tonight, I start P90X over again and try to get busy once again.

204.2

I need to stay in Pueblo.  I do much worse when I leave town.  Up .4 pounds... could have been worse. 

203.8

LOL!  I had chicken wings for lunch and dinner and still lost .6 pounds.  Weird...

202.4/204.4

Started yesterday off down a pound and feeling good.  And then, that small part of me that is Spanish from my beautiful grandmother decided that I needed to celebrate Cinco De Mayo despite the fact that it's not actually a Spanish holiday. 

So, while out on store visits in Pueblo and focus groups last night in Colorado Springs, I indulged at Mi Pueblito... a Mexican restaurant that I just recently found out was now owned by an old friend... and Chik-Fil-A.  Somewhere in my celebration, I found two pounds.

203.4/203.4

Wow!  So disappointed in my weight yesterday that I even forgot to post it.  I think that is a first... other than the times when I couldn't.  Obviously, since today is the same, I don't feel much differently this morning.

203.6

I had a really nice weekend which is the only thing that keeps me from being really miserable when typing that weight.  Back to P90X this evening.

204.0

And so my quest to get below 200 begins again...

205.2

Gained .4 pounds.  But, after spending a night with my old friend, Joel Thompson, at my favorite restaurant, Mi Ranchito's, it was worth it.  I expected worse.  Earlier, I found out some bad news about a contest I had entered (more on that tonight).  After skipping cake and ice cream at a going away celebration at work, as I usually do, I ended up finding my way back to the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream when I heard the bad news.  I guess stress is still a food trigger.  Good thing I am not stressed that often!

204.8

My love/hate relationship with chicken wings continues!  Up three pounds.  I am down to two real addictions, chicken wings and  chips and salsa.  Had the former last night.  Will have the latter tonight.  205 here we come!

201.8

I didn't deserve a .8 pound drop.  But, for all those days when I did deserve a drop and didn't get it, I will take it!

"Yeah... I Know I'm Crazy"

About a month ago, Lori and I went to a Nuggets' game.  By the time I got off from work and Lori got out of jury duty, we hit the road for Denver.  After the game, while we were driving back, I asked Lori if she wanted to go for a walk when he got home. She laughed, as if I was kidding, and said no way.  We finally got home around 11:30 that night. 

While Lori was changing clothes, I started changing in to my workout gear and different shoes.  I asked her if I should take the dog and she yelled from the bathroom, "Are you really going for a walk?!".  My reply?  "Yeah... I know I'm crazy."  But, I needed to go for a walk.  I actually wanted to go for that walk.  At 11:50 PM, I walked out the front door and Duke and I set off on a 45 minute walk around the neighborhood. 

I will admit that there have been nights where I went to the club mostly because of my exercise streak.  In fact, when I was sick last week, there were two or three nights where it took every ounce of willpower and the thought of my exercise streak to get me in to that gym.  But, that night wasn't about the streak.  That night, like most nights, was simply because I wanted to get some exercise.  I was tired.  I would have liked to have gone to bed.  But, mentally, I needed to go for that walk.  That's how I feel most nights.

So, yes, I am crazy.  I will admit that.  It's a good crazy... crazy like a fox.  That's an improvement.  Last year I was still crazy.  But, it was more crazy like a hippopotamus.  Here's to having healthy obsessions...

202.6

I have learned over the last year that there are certain meals that make me gain weight almost just by looking at them... despite any semblance of portion control.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy are one of those meals.  Up 1.2 pounds.

201.4

Down 3.2.  Nuff' said...

204.6

It is so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it!  Up another two pounds after enjoying a turkey dinner for Easter.  Now I start trying to get under 200... AGAIN!

199.4/202.6

Saturday saw me up .2... not bad.  Sunday wasn't so good.  After saying that I wanted to be permanently under 200, my latest streak lasted only two days... a full five days less than my previous three times.  Maybe 200 is really the ideal weight for me.  Maybe I am not meant to be 193 and need to let this go.  Not sure where the 3.2 pounds even came from.  Oh well...

199.2

Still under 200 and down .6 pounds.  My goal is to finally stay under 200 for good.  Not a couple days, not a week.  But, a permanent change.  I started looking back at my recent history and found that this is the fourth time I had gone under 200.  In my mind, I thought that the other times were only for a couple of days.  But, when I looked at the numbers, each of the three previous times I broke that mythical barrier I had stayed under for exactly a week.  Not sure what pushed me back over the first time.  But, the second and third time were due to a vacation to San Diego and a week in Denver at our annual meeting for work.

Last night, after a few co-workers and I had finished playing nine holes of golf, I really wanted to go to Coors with my friend Russ and have a slopper and some beers.  At the very least, I wanted to go to the golf course clubhouse and have a couple of beers.  If it had been last week, I would have gone.  But after finally getting back under 200 yesterday morning, I couldn't mentally handle going back over a day later.  So, I said no... and it was extremely difficult.  Instead, I went to the club and came home and did a few pushups and curls. 

Not sure why this particular weight means so much to me.  I know it shouldn't.  I would like to get to the low 190s so that I can go to Coors and not stress about it.  In the end, I am glad I skipped it and was rewarded with a pretty positive feeling this morning.  And, my friend even stopped by to tell me he skipped the slopper and beers as well and went home and had a grilled chicken Caesar salad because I had inspired him.  Nice.  That made my morning even better and validated that decision even more than the scale had.

199.8

With only .2 pounds to spare, it's probably a little premature to say this.  But, I am hoping that I never cross back over 200 pounds again.  I am hoping to do well over the next two weeks to give myself a little more of a cushion.  Needless to say, today needs to be a very good day.

200.0

Oh, come on man!

I Need To Write Again

I have been in a little bit of a rut ever since I broke 200.  Of course, if you told me last year that a "rut" would consist of me bouncing between 198 and 208 for three months, I would have told you to bring on the rut!  But still, I am not done.  A year ago, 200 would have been good enough.  But now, I know better.  I now know what I am capable of and I want to finish this journey in style.  I weigh just over 200 today.  I realize that the 200 today is a different composition than the 200 was in early January.  I am fitter.  I am stronger.  My body is more tone.  My loose skin is firming up.  While I have often said that I think the weight-gain excuse of "muscle weight" is abused, I will finally admit that I have lifted enough weights over the last two months to know that I have put on at least a few pounds of muscle. 

When I reached 200 I got complacent.  I haven't tracked my calories recently.  Well, not officially.  I still always count them in my head.  I haven't been quite as rigid about restricting the things I eat.  And, most importantly, I stopped blogging as often.  I think I forgot the power of this blog.  I got busy and let this slip to the bottom of my list.  I think that has to change.  I think I need to continue to tell my story if I am going to be successful losing these last pounds and completing this life change.

I have a new goal... only to put a number to it.  I am not even sure if it will be too high or too low.  I only know that I still have some fat around my stomach.  I may never get all of my loose skin to come back to it's former tightness.  But, I believe that I can significantly reduce it with a low fat diet and continued abdominal work and weight lifting.  So, I will start writing again and will even tell some stories I meant to tell when they happened and didn't get around to.  My goal is 193 pounds.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day and I will have less than 7 pounds to get there.  I am comfortable with a little slower pace than I was used to and would be fine even if it took me 10 more weeks to get there.  Here's to continued sharing...