I started this post about six weeks ago. Like my recent weight-loss efforts, blogging efforts, and general life intentions, I never finished. My actual malaise started long before that, about six weeks earlier. So, this funk I have been in has lasted approximately three months! Shame on me...
It started in the middle of May when the canvas top of my convertible was ripped open at a local baseball field. It's a horrible feeling of violation when your property is vandalized and the worst part is having to deal with the repairs. The next day, a friend of my father's called and told me that my dad had suffered a heart attack the night before. After a couple of days of updates, I decided that it was bad enough that I needed to fly to Florida to be with him. That 10 day trip turned in to 19 days when my dad passed away the day before I was to return home. Yet, despite all of that, I never let myself wallow in any self pity. I helped my dad while he was alive and then worked on taking care of his estate afterwards. I stayed busy and I think that helped.
The day after I got back home after a long drive from Florida with my son, I decided to walk to the club for a run... my car was still in the shop from the events that took place before my trip down South. On my way, I was attacked by two angry and agressive boxers. After several blows to each of them and a couple of kicks, they finally turned away and ran off. My heart was racing and, for the first time, I had a moment where I felt sorry for myself. A moment where I questioned what I had done wrong to deserve the bitch-slap that karma was putting on me. As I continued to the club, I felt tired, mentally worn out, and a little bit stressed. Of course, none of that kept me from rushing to the club. The club was closing in 45 minutes and I quickly brushed past the people who wanted to know what had happened. I still needed to get my run on!
When I returned to work, I continued to feel stress as I realized that all of the progress I had made towards transitioning in to my new role at work had taken a huge step backwards by missing close to three weeks. Couple that with an internal audit that was going on that involved my old job, and the stress was compounded.
While all of this was going on, I continued to work on all of the necessary details of dealing with my dad's estate and the financial burden while we wait on funds to be disbursed from various sources.
I started to eat poorly. I started to gain weight. I started to drink soda. I started to eat popcorn at work. I started all of the bad habits that I had worked so hard to stop. Of course, as I gained weight and continued to feel crappy from my poor eating, the stress only increased. I felt more stressed, more overwhelmed, more unorganized, and more chaotic than I ever had in my whole life.
And then it hit me, not only was I feeling stressed, but I was talking about it. I was whining to people. I was sharing my stress with anyone who would listen. In fact, I had become a whiny little bitch. I never wanted to be that person. I never wanted to feel sorry for myself. I never wanted for anybody else to feel sorry for me either.
But, then I could tell by the tone of my friends and family as they started talking to me in worried tones with some concern that I was feeling sorry for myself. I was eating poorly and justifying it with the excuse that I was stressed. Telling myself that I would get busy again once my life was in order. Yet, I wasn't changing anything. I was still whining.
Well, I am done whining. I won't promise that I will be 200 by a certain date. But, I will promise that I am not going to feel sorry for myself any longer. I am not going to keep usng this as an excuse. I am trying to remember how much easier every day was when I felt as good as I did at 200 pounds. How rested I felt after sleeping well. How much positive energy I had when putting on clothes and feeling good about the way I looked. I want to be that guy again.
I feel like yesterday was a turning point. Not sure why I think it will stick this time. I know I have thought this a couple times over the last three months. But, I know I stopped myself as I reached for the popcorn and went towards the soda machine at work today. Tomorrow, I will start using myfitnesspal.com again to track calories. While I am pretty sure I know how much most things are now, I think there is value in the tracking process that serves as a reminder. I will attempt to write in this blog, besides the morning weights, at least three times a week. I will attempt to feel deserving when people tell me that I look great... because I haven't for the last two months. I will go back to living my life with the positive energy that I have always strived for.
Thanks to those who have put up with my whining. Thanks for those who have lended an ear. I apologize to all of you for making you listen. I apologize for not being the person who people wanted to read about. I apologize to my followers on this blog for not being very inspirational. Here's to being inspirational...