Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Psyche... Don't Try This At Home

This blog has been an incredibly cathardic and positive exercise for me and may end up saving my life... or at the very least extending it significantly.  There is so much good that comes of me sharing personal moments, whether they be my elation or my despair.  But, it has had it's occasional downside as well.  Sometimes, it is just better for people not to have glimpses in to your soul.

Last Monday, I went to Mi Ranchito's with my family and my Mom and sister.  Shortly after, I posted my disappointment.  I was not upset that I went to Mi Ranchito's.  I was not even upset that I had planned this exception a month in advance.  I was upset because I planned to eat a lot less than I actually did.  When I gained 4.2 pounds, I was extremely upset with myself and it left me in a funk the entire next day.

Whenever I post my disappointment about eating poorly on this blog, I am immediately bombarded with grief from people for being too hard on myself.  I have heard on several occasions that I need to stay positive or I will gain the weight right back.  I am told that these exceptions are okay.  I am informed that it is normal for my weight to fluctuate.  And, last week, I was even yelled at by my Mother! 

While I am not upset with any of this advice and understand completely that all of these well-wishers are simply trying to be supportive and kind, I will kindly agree to disagree.  I don't ask that anybody stop giving me advice.  I only ask that everyone forgive me for not believing the same theories as the majority of you.  I ask that all of you who care for me try to understand that this philosophy does not work for me.  I know exactly what motivates me.  I know exactly what sets me off course.  I know what makes me tick.  I think everyone is so different that it is hard to suggest diets, exercises, programs, or even attitudes that are best for everyone.  I highly recommend that anyone going through this battle figure out early on what works and is easy for them and that they fully embrace it regardless of what any naysayers say and despite what even a majority might feel.

I wasn't mad at myself for going to Mi Ranchito's.  I had a great time with my family.  I wasn't mad at myself because I had planned this exception.  I was mad at myself because I could have easily enjoyed this exception without losing control.  Yeah, I know it didn't compare to what I used to eat there.  But, I had planned to be so much better.  I could have had 7 or 8 chips.  Instead, I had at least 20.  I ordered water.  But then, I sipped on everyone's margaritas until I probably had close to half of one anyway.  I planned to skip the tortillas.  But, I had one.  The chicken fajitas with some salsa would have been fine.  Even a little sour cream would have been fine.  But, I ended up with a couple good scoops of sour cream and ended up eating a little guacamole as well.  I ate too much beans.  It didn't help that those beans were topped with plenty of cheese.  I ate too much rice as well.  What I have learned from that night is that planned exceptions are still okay.  But, for now, these planned exceptions need to be accompanied with extreme moderation.  My new battle cry...  "plannned exceptions with extreme moderation".

The other thing that upset me is that I think the way I ate lead to a week of small exceptions.  I found myself snacking on little things here and there over the next few days that I wasn't picking at before that meal.  This has always been my concern.  I don't want one bad meal to throw me so far off course that I begin to fall back to old and very hardened habits.  For me, it is okay to want to be close to perfect because I want so badly to break 250 soon.  I want so badly to break 200 not long after that.  This last week made me really nervous and, while today was a solid day, I still feel like I have not quite gotten back to the machine that was chugging along so well just two weeks ago.

Okay, I admit, I was grumpy for a day and a half.  I skipped our pre-golf tourney dinner and went to the club and my Mom was upset that I had not attended something that I wanted to.  Maybe I oversold the dinner and any desire I had to attend too much in my blog.  Maybe my Mom, as Moms often do, thought that her son's absence would upset somebody.  Well, Mom, I promise that nobody missed me.  Nobody even realized I had not attended.  I never heard a thing about the dinner the next day.  I am not whining, I knew this to be the case.  I needed to be at the club more than I needed to be at that dinner that night and I will not apologize for that.  I will not apologize for being grumpy for a day.  If the price of staying with this program is a grumpy mood once every six weeks, then I will gladly accept that consequence.  Believe me, my total count of grumpy days even with these weight-loss episodes will still be lower than 95% of my office or any other office for that matter.  If I didn't write this blog, only a handful of people would even recognize that I wasn't quite my chipper self. 

If I can't handle a "planned exception with extreme moderation", then I will stop planning exceptions.  I am okay with that as well.  While I believe that most people need these nights to keep them from falling completely off the wagon, I do not think this applies to me.  I am perfectly content skipping all exceptions from now until the end of the year if that's what it takes.  Again, I liken it to someone suffering an addiciton.  There is no school of thought that says it is okay to have one drink when you feel like it to keep you from going back to drinking.  If I prove to myself that I can not handle Mi Ranchito's without over-indulging, then I will simply not go back to Mi Ranchito's. 

Those are the decisions I have to make because I WILL NEVER BE 300 POUNDS AGAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!  I am angry with myself for waiting 10 years to get busy.  I can live with "better late than never".  But, I can't live with even later. 

That is a glimpse inside my head.  That is a peek at my psyche.  Again, this is what works for me.  Please don't run and hide the next time I am in a grumpy mood.  Please don't be afraid to try to cheer me up and get through this thick-headed skull when I forget about my progress to date.  But also, please try to remember my ultimate goal and how much more important this is than anything as trivial as a bad mood or a golf tourney dinner.  Accept that part of me sharing is, unfortunately, knowing that I may be a little crazy.  Accept that I don't agree that forgetting about 4.2 pounds is the best approach.  Accept that, for me, those 4.2 pounds represent a week of hard work lost.  Finally, please don't try this at home!  Here's to knowing yourself as well as I do me...

No comments:

Post a Comment