The Guilt

Tonight, we went to Mi Ranchito's  with my Mom and my sister.  I have been "planning" this exception for a couple of months and knew that we  would be going when they visited.  I couldn't wait to go and enjoy one of my few craving and one of my favorite restaurants.  It did not disappoint.

But, I learned something about myself tonight at Mi Ranchito's.  Even if I "plan" for an exception, it doesn't help me feel any better about it.  I told myself that I would be fine no matter what the scale said to me tomorrow morning.  I believed it when I wrote it.  I believed it when we got to the restaurant.  I semi-believed it as I was eating, but my confidence was waning quickly.  By the time I was done with my meal, I was no longer convinced.  A couple hours and a workout later, I am finally convinced... convinced that I am really not okay with these exceptions, planned or otherwise.  I was lying to myself. 

I am okay with slacking a little bit at a meal.  I am even okay with my last visit to Mi Ranchito's where I just ate chips and had some margaritas.  But, eating like I did tonight no longer works for me.  Maybe it's a short-term thing that will subside once I get under 200 pounds.  But, I am guessing not.  I think maybe I was perfectly content never feeling that full feeling again.  I almost forgot how much I hated that feeling.  Maybe tonight will be one more reminder and help me going forward.

And, the funny thing is that I still ate so little compared to what I used to eat at Mi Ranchito's or any other Mexican restaurant for that matter.  I split the chicken fajitas with Lori.  I only had one flour tortilla.  I had 30-40% of the chips I used to have.  I ate half of the beans and a couple of scoops of sour cream.  I even skipped the margarita and had H2O.  But, I still felt that gluttonous feeling that used to follow me around after many meals in my past. 

I have no clue where I will end up tomorrow morning.  All I know is that if I have gained even .2 pounds, I will be disappointed in myself.  I know.  I can already hear the people shouting, "It's alright!".  I know that I should be able to have these nights and let them go.  I know that attitude would be healthier.  I know that I have proven that I can put this behind me quickly.  I know that most people say they need these days or meals because it makes it easier to be good on the other days.  But, for whatever reason, I do not tick that way... or, again, at least not at this point in my fight.  I would actually like to never see an uptick in my weight ever again from now until the day I go under 200...  and at least a week after that. 

So, I will try to absorb the pain as best I can tomorrow morning.  I will pray to the Saint of Weight Loss tonight for a miracle.  Ironically, Saint Anthony is the patron saint of lost things.  Does losing pounds count?  If so, Saint Anthony, I am asking you to help  me NOT find them.  I will try to forget just how tasty that meal was tonight!  lol.  Here's to planning on not planning anymore "planned" exceptions and limiting the "unplanned" kind as well...