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I thought I could do this without this blog.  I thought I could do this without myfitnesspal.com.  I thought I could do this without my exercise streak.  I thought that when I got past all of the issues I used as excuses I would be fine.  I thought it was only a matter of time.  I wanted to keep from blogging and then come back when I had finally lost the weight for a second time.  I wanted to defiantly prove that I could lose weight without all of this.  I was wrong.

It might be that I really didn't believe any of the above.  To be perfectly honest, the thought of writing a blog and admitting how far I have fallen off the weight loss wagon is more imposing than I ever thought.  Even as I write this, there is a part of me that is struggling at the thought of actually hitting the enter button. As if anyone who sees a photo of me can't tell that I have gained a ton of weight.  As if writing a number that is 40 pounds higher than the last time I wrote and 80+ pounds higher than my lowest weight from about three years ago all of a sudden makes it real.  As if writing in this blog and admitting that I need this to help me is a sign of weakness. As if writing that I was a failure made people suddenly aware of something that they couldn't easily deduce with their own eyes.

I need this blog.  I need to record every thing I eat every day in myfitnesspal.com.  I need to cook meals in advance and fill my cupboards and refrigerator with healthy options.  I need to start an exercise streak again.  And, I need to be okay with that.  It is far better to admit I need any or all of these crutches and use them to my advantage than to continue to slowly return to where I was when all of this started. 

So, it's time for a reboot.  I have thought of doing this for almost six months.  I have found numerous reasons to put it off.  I will write after the event we have planned for this weekend.  I will write after Thanksgiving.  I will write after Christmas.  I will write after we go to Denver for the P!nk concert and The Brewery Bar for the Bronco game. 

I planned to write this weekend after returning from a business trip in Chicago where I ate like I always do when I am on a business trip... poorly.  But then, we went to dinner on Saturday.  Sunday?  Well, we had chicken wings planned for the Super Bowl so I couldn't write that night!  The irony is that I did a little better than normal at both Mi Ranchito on Saturday and while eating wings on Sunday and find myself only .4 pounds higher than my post-Chicago weight. 

So, what's different about tonight?  Do I have a month of no restaurants or activities planned?  Nope.  In fact, I go back to Chicago next week.  My favorite city.  Likely my favorite city because of all of the great restaurants and food choices.  But, I have to start sometime and there will never be a month without this stuff.  There is never a good starting point other than today.  At some point, it is time.  So, I start tonight and hope that I can show some resolve next week in Chicago.

More than anything, I am blogging again because my brother, Frank, has badgered me for the last two weeks.  Because my brother has reminded me of all of those things that I already know.  Because my brother has begged me to run a half-marathon with him.  Because my brother was proud of me the last time and is scared that I will never get back to that weight.  I was about to go to bed tonight and remembered I promised him I would start this today.  And, I thank him for being a pain in the ass!  I love him for loving me so much that he doesn't care if he pisses me off in the process.  He is going to remind me every day of this stuff because he wants me to live life and not continue to die slowly. 

The weight, you say?  Do I have to?

This morning, I started my journey again at 278.4 pounds.  I am 43 pounds heavier than when I last wrote in this blog over 13 months ago.  I am 80 pounds heavier than my lowest weight on February 27, 2011.  I have now been heavy again longer than I was at a normal weight. 

See you in the morning...