The Yin (Feeling Guilty)...

Over the years of watching "The Biggest Loser", there has always been an ongoing theme of emotional issues.  These issues are often the cause behind the weight gain but there are other emotional issues attached with losing the weight.  Countless contestants have stories of childhood traumas that started them down the path of obesity.  Others lose the weight and then experience feelings of not being worthy of being thin.  Not knowing how to do deal with looking better.  Not knowing how to be this new person.

Well, I can safely say that I have none of those issues.  I had a perfectly fine upbringing.  All of my struggles growing up made me who I am and I like the person I became.  My parent's divorce, while difficult, did not traumatize me.  I had no horrible experiences or losses that caused me to be overweight.  As I have said here before, I simply enjoy... heck, enjoy isn't a strong enough word...  eating.  I love food.  I am a foodie at heart... with a nasty side of gluttony thrown in the mix.

I also don't have any problems with the new and improved me.  I believe I am worthy.  In fact, it has been the only piece of my life over the last 15 years that I wasn't proud of.  Sure, I have been even more emotional than normal over the last six months.  Yes, I have cried more than my usual sappy-butt self does.  But, that has only been because of one emotion.  Excitement.  I am so excited some times that I get overwhelmed. 

Recently I blogged about the wedding that I attended in the old suit that I found in the back of a closet.  That night was overwhelming.  The number of people who commented and had nice things to say was even higher than normal.  I got more compliments that night than any other day since I have started this journey.  So many friends, young and old, said so many kind things that night.  One of the young men actually stopped me on the dance floor to tell me how great I looked.  Unbelievable. 

But, there are still weird emotions that I experience from time to time. One of them is a feeling of guilt over the attention I get. I feel guilty that I get almost-daily support, encouragement, and positive feedback.  At that same wedding, I asked the father of the groom, Art Stawski, how much weight he had lost.  He had lost about 20 pounds.  Impressive!  Especially considering that this is all he had to lose.  He commented along the lines that it wasn't as impressive as what I had done.  But, I disagree.  It's all relative.  Despite the majority of people who wouldn't think that Art needed to lose a single pound, he felt he did.  He felt that he was 20 pounds over his optimal weight.  So, Art did something about it.  That to me is impressive... whether it's 20 pounds or 200 pounds.  

This is where my guilt set in.  Art will never get the same compliments that I have gotten.  Because he is already thin, most people will likely not even notice.  Some of those who notice may not say anything because they thought he was thin enough to begin with and are jealous.  But, I think he deserves the compliments as much as me.

I thought this again last weekend in Vail when I spent some time with a couple of friends who have always kept themselves in great shape.  These two guys, Marty Garcia and Steve O'Dorisio, have always been my idols for staying in such good shape.  They workout almost every day.  They eat well enough to maintain a healthy weight and have done so as long as I have known them.  That is incredibly impressive!   These two deserve accolades far more than I do.  How impressive is it to maintain that kind of weight your whole life?!  Yeah, I know, they have to live with the misfortune of knowing that people simply talk about how good they look behind their backs.  And, I am sure they would gladly abstain from receiving any compliments to continue looking and feeling that way.

So, I feel guilty!  I feel guilty that I am getting such positive feedback after my gluttonous fall from grace over the last 15 years.  What people should be saying is, "About time Anthony!".  I have eaten like a pig.  Been lazy.  And, because I decided that I didn't want to die in the next five years, I finally got off my lazy butt and got busy.  It's like telling someone, "Yeah, you were really fat and you really weren't taking care of yourself!  But, congrats on finally doing what you should have been doing over the last 15 years!".

I am not saying that I don't want to receive any more compliments.  These comments are huge motivators and keep me going.  I loved that wedding despite my guilt at the end.  The list of people that have said they didn't even recognize me continues to grow and that is one of the best compliments I could get!  I know I said it was overwhelming.  But, it's overwhelming in a good way... in fact, a great way!  So, keep them coming.  I promise I will get over this guilt as quickly as it came. 

So, to all of you readers who have never had to fight this battle or have fought this battle your whole life and won, CONGRATS!  Good for you.  I am impressed with anyone who has never had to go through this.  I am impressed with those who needed to lose 20 pounds and did.  All of you deserve the accolades way before me.  Here's to all of the folks out there who have no idea what I am talking about and can't relate to my journey...

Tomorrow:  ... And The Yang (Feeling Proud)