... And The Yang (Feeling Proud)

Yesterday, I talked about those moments when I feel guilty because of the attention I have gotten as I have continued to lose weight.  Let me be clear, I in no way intended to imply that this guilt was often or overwhelming.  In fact, that emotion has probably come over me only a handful of times and almost always when I have been in large groups of people doling out compliments. 

And, while the concept of yin and yang may be all about balance, my pride in what I have accomplished, or the yang in this equation, far outweighs my guilt, or the yin.  Pride and guilt may be the two sides of the equation, but they are not equal sides...  not even close.  I was simply trying to explain the range of emotions I have felt throughout this journey.

I am proud myself!  I am proud of the almost 86 pounds I have lost.  I am proud of this blog and what it represents to me... and even others.  I am proud that I have been able to lose over 75 pounds over the 22 weeks, or five months, since I started this blog.  I am thrilled at the people who no longer recognize me...  and, it happened again today!  I smile when I look in the mirror and see those love handles and man boobs slowly disappear.  I shake my head in amazement when I step on the scale and look down to see a number lower than the day before.  I am proud that I have had a couple of stretches where I struggled yet I was able to focus and get back in gear. 

I am proud that so many people have told me that I have inspired them, whether that proves to be true or not as events unfold.  I am proud that an instructor of a yoga class in a different state found my blog interesting enough to share it with her class after a reader of the blog shared it with her!  I have been even more proud as some of those people who have said that I inspired them have subsequently lost weight.

I am amazed at the amount of weight I have been able to lose.  I set lofty goals when I started this because I wanted to push myself.  I figured they were possible.  Though I thought I might struggle a little more as the months went by and I had less to lose.  I am incredibly proud that I have been able to do this while still working and living in the real world.  I am not on The Biggest Loser Ranch where healthy food items are available and all of life's distractions are made unavailable.  I do not have the luxury of going to The Biggest Loser gym and working out for several hours each day.  I do not have the carrot of a lucrative prize at the end of my journey dangling in front of me.  I go to work.  I stay busy at night.  I still do photography on the side.  I go to restaurants.  I pack my lunches.  I deal with the same stresses I did six months ago... though those stresses seem to bother me far less these days. 

I like the way I look when I see myself in the mirror.  Well, fully clothed... the unclothed version is still not quite as appealing... though I have seen glimpses of tone muscles beginning to come out of hiding.  I even enjoy shopping for clothes again. 

I have enjoyed getting back in to hiking.  As soon as I get off the trail from one hike I look forward to the next... which will take place in a little less than two weeks by the way!  I can't wait to begin my assault on the 54 fourteeners in Colorado.

I feel wonderful.  My knee feels as good as it has felt in 10 years.  I sleep better.  I rarely snore.  And, I breathe the entire night... always a good thing when you are trying to avoid dying!  Everything just feels like it is working more smoothly.

Every single compliment I receive, big or small, brings a huge smile to my face... even if you can't always see it as I pretend to be modest and matter of fact.  Thanks again for all of the compliments.  Thanks for not letting me wallow in my guilt or my anger at myself after those bad weigh-ins.  Thanks for providing fuel for my fire.  Thanks for letting me be proud.  Here's to being proud, and a little loud, and kicking that nasty guilt to the curb...