First off, let me say that I don't expect anybody to read this on a daily basis... if at all. I am not trying to have my 15 minutes of cyberspace fame. As a matter of fact, the very nature of talking about myself goes against my true nature... though some may dispute this. I don't get on Facebook and tell the world what I did today because I don't think most of my friends (and on Facebook, the term "friends" is used loosely!) really care.
So, why did I create this blog? Well, I don't like myself anymore. Most days, I don't show it in public. Those closest to me know how I feel. I wake up every day and look in the mirror and think "Who Is That Guy?". I look at pictures and it's more than not liking how I look... it almost makes me ill. In my head, I am still the 170 pound athlete that I was in high school. I am still that kid that used to play hoops for hours on end. Yet, every person I have met in recent years, pretty much every person I know in Pueblo, knows me as a fat person. Yeah, there are some of you who knew me when I first moved here, was still playing hoops at the YMCA, and was only slightly overweight. But, most of the people in my life don't know that person. I am writing this because I hope it will make me more accountable. Maybe knowing that some people may read this and support me when I am doing well and be disappointed in me when I am not will help. I am hoping this will be somewhat therapeutic. I am hoping that seeing this on my big screen monitor and writing daily will remind me of what I need to do. I hope that by telling stories I hate to even recall, that it will serve as a constant reminder to make the right decisions.
Though I have made some small strides over the last month or so, something changed tonight. I went to Kohl's with my son so he could buy some clothes for the trip we are taking next week to Las Vegas to celebrate his 21st. So, the first slap to the face, and this happens every time we go to Kohl's, is the fact that Kohl's does not sell anything bigger than an XXL. So, like I always do, I looked at all of the stuff that I wouldn't mind wearing while being disappointed that none of these clothes would fit my XXXL body. Yeah, I still look at each rack thinking that maybe one of the shipments accidentally had a 3X in it... but that has yet to happen.
Then Slap #2, I start thinking about our trip to Vegas and the fact that I wanted to lose a few more pounds so that I wasn't the BFG! The Big Fat Guy sitting next to you on the airplane! Not because I am uncomfortable sitting in these tight quarters. But, because I am uncomfortable knowing I am making my seatmates lives miserable as well!
Slap #3. I thought of my last trip to Las Vegas with my wife, kids, and their friends. And, (my first ugly story, read with caution) I remembered looking forward to riding the three rides at the Stratosphere. Purchasing an all-you-can-ride pass for the three thrill rides. I remembered that moment when I sat down on the ride that shoots you straight up only to find that the strap wouldn't fit on my waist. This was followed by the young girl who worked there informing me that the straps were even smaller on the other two rides. So, I waited while they got a manager who could write up a refund. I sat there staring out over Las Vegas on the verge of tears. Irritated that I couldn't ride (yeah, I love rides). Embarassed for having to get off the ride. Embarassed in front of my kids and their friends. Saddened that my wife got a refund as well rather than ride the rides without me.
To top it off, or Slap #4, my son is a fitness nut. I look at him and think "how does that not motivate me to be healthier?". He rarely eats poorly. He works out once or twice a day. And, there he is trying on all of the clothes that I wish I could wear! He doesn't give me shit, but he should. I know it bothers him and has for years. Not that he is disappointed in me. Just that he wants me to be healthy and happy. I know that he was miserable when he was a senior and he walked off the court at halftime of a basketball game and heard the Pueblo County kids making fun of his fat father (by the way, I was an assistant coach at the time, the Pueblo County kids don't just make fun of anybody's parents - lol). Not for himself. But he felt bad for me. Never said anything to me, but he told my wife. That crushed me and for a couple of years I used it as motivation.
So, I came home tonight and said enough is enough. Time to stop talking about it with everyone (lol - he says as he blogs to anyone who will listen). Time to get busy before it is too late. I still almost talked myself out of going to the club. I don't feel great... on the verge of a cold. I have been tired and work has been crazy. But, I went anyway. I walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes. I shot hoops for the first time in ages for about 15 more minutes. And, I felt great leaving the PAC. And, as I left the club, a beautiful heavy snow was falling and it felt like one of those surreal moments. I said, out loud to myself (no comments about my sanity), "This is the start of a new me". Yeah, I know, this isn't the first time I have thought this. But, hopefully, it will be the last.
So, this is Day 1. I plan on sharing intimate details about my struggles, about my weight, about what I eat. I am somewhere around 300 pounds, though most would not guess it. I have 8 days until I leave for Las Vegas and I would love to lose 10-15 before we leave. If you read this, thanks for coming along for the ride. If not, lucky you. See you next time...