Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Do you feel thin...

... or do you mentally think of yourself as heavy still?  That was the question my mom asked me last week in an e-mail.  Great question!  I hadn't given it much thought.  That's not entirely true.  I gave it some thought early on in this journey, even before I started seeing any success.  But, I haven't thought of it since then as much as I had originally expected to.  To answer the question... no, I no longer think of myself as heavy.  I do think it takes a little longer to get out of that mindsight once you have been obese.  I believe I continued to think of myself as obese, or at least very heavy, all the way until I broke 215 pounds.  Not sure what the significance of 215 was, other than it being goal of mine over the last 10 years or so.  I still felt overweight.  But, I no longer felt like I was fat.  When I broke 200, I stopped thinking of myself as overweight.  I still know that I carry some extra weight in my stomach and chest.  And, I am still working on that.  But, I finally feel like I am at a "decent" weight for me.  Do I feel thin?  Well, no.  I can't say that I feel thin.  Let's see how the next 88 days of P90X go!

The reason my mom asked the question is because of all of the stories you read and see on television, specifically on The Biggest Loser, about people losing the weight but still struggling with mental issues.  I have seen many contestants on Loser talk about not feeling worthy.  I never felt that way, not even slightly.  I have always felt like I deserved to be thinner.  Many people who go through this journey talk about how unhappy they were.  I certainly didn't like this part of my life.  I was extremely angry and disappointed in myself.  But, I could never say I was unhappy.  I still lived a pretty happy life... I guess as happy as a 315 pound man could.

So, I'm not sure why I never struggled with these same feelings.  Maybe I don't hang on to my "fat person" mindset because I never accepted it in the first place.  I told you, even at 315 pounds, I still thought of myself as an athlete... even if I looked like an NFL lineman and less like a quarterback.  I don't think I ever looked in the mirror and truly realized how bad it was.  Maybe being slightly delusional is a good thing when it comes to weight loss journeys.  In my head, I am finally getting close to matching how I looked at myself all of these years.  Maybe it is easier because I was thinner when I was younger.  Not sure, but I am guessing a lot of the people who struggle with being thin were never thin at any point in their life that they can remember.  Lucky for me, that's all I remembered!

I guess having to get under 215 to not feel obese might actually indicate that I struggled with some of these feelings more than I am letting on.  I do know that I still have really ugly moments where I feel like I am eating as I did a year ago and it concerns me.  At those moments, for a split second, I do feel fat again.  I see an image of that man in the mirror I disliked so much and it gives me a sick feeling in my gut... or maybe that's from the fatty foods I have just eaten.  The good news is that these moments are fleeting and I don't let them become trends.  The good news is that I react positively to these moments and let them motivate me further.

Here's to always believing you are deserving of anything you have worked hard for...

Oh, by the way, 202.6 this morning.

TJWIGMFBAFANAD Status: Day 24 - (0.4), Total - (7.2)

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