Eight Pounds of Emotions

Two pounds of disappointment.  Two pounds of self-loathing.  A half pound of despair.  A half pound of shock.  But mostly, three pounds of complete and utter embarassment.

I forget, was I trying to break 240 or keep from breaking 250?  After a gluttonous Memorial Day weekend, fighting to break 240 quickly became a distant memory.  It is almost hard to believe that I could gain weight this quickly.  But, you would think a lifetime of proof might be somewhat convincing.

This morning I was 248.8.  Six days ago, I weighed 240.8.  I am up 8 pounds after eating poorly for five straight days.  Like any bad result, that weight is difficult to post.

When I was doing well four years ago, the period that I was most proud of was the graduation/wedding season that first summer.  We had far more graduations than we do now and those events annually proved to be difficult to get through without adding a few pounds.  But, that summer, I went to graduation party after graduation party and was able to keep losing weight.  I left each party with a smile at the control I had shown and the compliments I was getting regularly.  And, it seemed easy.

I have yet to show that same level of control this year.  My five days in summary...

Thursday - Despite my disappointing 0.4 gain after a near-perfect day on Wednesday, I didn't get upset and was headed for another near-perfect day... until we got the call asking if we wanted to go to dinner.  We ended up at Applebee's.  For me, that is a good thing.  I am not a fan of Applebee's and usually find it easy to eat decently there because of that.  Four years ago, I was eating a house salad and maybe taking a couple of bites of other plates.  This time, I ordered a salad that showed only 370 calories.  But, the menu didn't include the calories of the pretzel and beer cheese that I had to try.  The bites of my Mom's steak and potatoes that I had to try.  The bites of my sister's shrimp scampi pasta that I had to try.  The bite of my wife's chicken I had to try.  Result - 244.6, up 3.4.

Friday - We got the weekend started with a Finance department luncheon at the Pueblo Country Club.  I have only eaten at the country club a handful of times.  But, I have never had a bad meal... until Friday.  The food was average.  This should have been a good thing, and probably still was.  But, I still ate too much of food that I didn't think was good.  Despite that, I lost weight the next day.  But, I was still upset because it could have been more.  Result - 242.6, down 2.0.

Saturday - We went to Niko's house for his first official BBQ.  I started off trying to be good.  I ate some potato chips, had a burger without a bun, and a bratwurst.  Nothing fantastic, but with some good exercise, low enough in calories to hope for a break even day.  The problem was the beer.  Not just the fact that I had at least 600 calories from the beer.  But, because that beer leads me to make bad decisions.  When I am drinking, I tend to get hungry.  I tend to be numb to the pain that is my stomach's indicator that I have eaten too much.  And, I tend to forget all of my self-control.  So, I had a second brat... and a hot dog... and I ate a handful of chips every single time I passed the table that had chips on it.  Result - 245.2, up 2.6.

Sunday - My goal for Sunday was to make up for my Saturday gain.  With only one graduation party planned, that was going to be my meal with little else the rest of the day.  I had eaten so much on Saturday and I felt like it would be easy to be good.  I figured we would go to the grad party and find the typical Pueblo graduation fare... penne pasta, meatballs, a salad, and fried chicken.  With a plate of salad and a meatball or two, I would be fine.  When we arrived, the buffet of food smelled different.  I smelled Chinese.  Upon closer inspection, it was Panda Express!  Who has Panda Express for a graduation party?!  Only saboteurs.  Curse the Voss family and their Panda Express spread.  So, I ate too much of the salt-loaded food and felt the effects that night and the next day.  Result - 247.0, up 1.8.

Monday - On Monday, it was our turn for a BBQ.  Our party included tri-tip... a staple at our BBQs after being introduced to it by my brother's Brazilian family.  Our BBQ also included cheddarwurst hotdogs, regular hot dogs, bratwurst, and hamburgers.  I even sauteed some jalapenos and cooked up some bacon to duplicate my favorite Five Guys creation.  I ate way too much.  By that night, I felt that old feeling of disgust and fullness that I hadn't felt in some time.  Result - 248.8, up 1.8.

Just like that, I find myself 1.2 pounds away from 250 and 8.8 pounds away from 240.  I also find myself fighting the self-hatred and trying to stay positive and strong.  A setback for sure.  But, just a setback.  I may be heavier than I wanted for our Florida vacation planned for July.  But, I will be lighter than I was three months ago and much lighter than I am today.

Here's to forgetting Memorial Day...

Starting weight (this time): 278.4
Current weight: 248.8
Change from previous: +6.2 (via +2.6, +1.8, +1.8)
Total: (29.6)
Total Days: 113