209.2... A Wasted Month

Whenever people ask me if it has gotten harder to lose the weight as I have gotten closer to my goal, I have steadfastly said no.  I have hung on to the belief that as long as I stuck to my program, exercised daily, and ate right, the weight would come off.  And, I still believe that 100% and will argue with anyone who disagrees.  The only thing that has changed is the amount of effort it takes to burn the same amount of calories as my weight has declined.

But maybe, just maybe, I was wrong.  Maybe none of these people were talking about the physical aspect of this equation.  Maybe they were all referring to the mental component the whole time and I never realized.  Maybe I assumed wrongly.  Maybe these people are smarter than they think... or at least smarter than I.  The ONLY thing I have found harder about losing weight at 205 as compared to 315 is fighting complacency.  At 300+ I hated myself.  Despite EVERYBODY telling me to take it easy on me, that hate drove me.  That hate motivated me.  That hate made me make better choices.  But, at 205, I started liking myself again.  I started  getting comfortable with the way I looked.  I started feeling invincible.  I thought I could make mistakes and then recover quickly.  I was wrong.  If all of you who asked me that question understood this mental battle and that's what you truly meant, then let me be the first to say I was sadly mistaken and you were 100% correct.  If not, then I still don't agree.

Between Las Vegas, Thanksgiving, and Texas de Brazil, I lost the entire month of November.  For the first time since I started, I gained weight.  Last night, I thought I was going to be able to accept that graciously.  I was wrong... horribly wrong.  The best thing about November is that I now loathe myself once again!  I hate that I couldn't stay focused.  I hate that I let a holiday hurt me so bad.  I hate that I am no closer to 200.  I hate that I STILL can't get through a vacation, a holiday, or a business meeting without gaining weight.  I hate that I ate more meat last night than a large grizzly bear would eat when preparing for hibernation.  I hate that I let other people convince me that it is "okay" to have a bad night and, on top of that, that convincing me could be so easy.  I hate me.

So, now that I am back in the right mindset... the one that works for my demented little brain... it is time to tackle December.  I didn't think getting to 200 by the end of the year was going to be a problem two months ago.  It doesn't seem as easy now.  But, it is still possible.  So, I now have 31 days, two holidays (including one designated specifically for margaritas!), no business trips, and no vacations to lose 9.3 pounds.  So, a nice round .3 pounds per day, or about a pound every three days.  I may not get there.  But, I promise I will not gain weight again this month!  And, I promise that I will try. 

And, please, don't worry.  Loathing myself does not mean I am going to do anything drastic like killing myself... I would at least have to wait until after I got under 200!  lol.  So, no notes.  No lectures.  Let me wallow in my loathing for a little bit longer!