Not Much Of An Inspiration Lately

I should have never thought it.  I definitely should have never said it.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have told a few of my closest friends and family that, while I still planned to continue losing every extra pound I still carry and that I was still intent on getting to 200, I would be perfectly content living the rest of my life at around 210.  When I started this journey, I didn't like myself that much.  Now, I finally feel comfortable with where I am.  I finally feel good when I reach in the closet to figure out what I am going to wear.  I am content. 

I should have never said those words.  I talked to my sister, Gina, today and we talked about that very thing.  The problem with being content is that you tend to lose focus.  While I haven't fallen off enough to gain any of my weight back, I have hovered between 210 to 220 since September 4.  When you weigh over 300 pounds and feel like you are slowly dying, it is easy to find motivation.  When you feel 15 years younger at 212, that motivation is a lot harder to come by.

But, if I can't find an internal motivator that works like it did six months ago, then I think I have found an external one.  If you read this blog from the beginning, you will recall the ephiphany I had one night at Kohl's.  Well, today, while I was talking to my sister, I had my second ephiphany... albeit a little less moving than the original.  My sister uttered the words I have heard repeatedly over the last several months, "You are an inspiration".  I hear this all the time.  I am embarassed every time.  My brother, the very person who has inspired me since this started, said I have recently inspired him through a personal battle that he is going struggling with.  A friend told me last week, while on the verge of tears, that her husband found out he has diabetes and that I have inspired him to get to the gym and change his lifestyle.  Another friend I know basically through a prep basketball forum, recently said that he was trying to lose a few pounds and that I had "inspired" him.

I don't believe I should be anybody's inspiration.  And, as you well know, I don't even believe that what I have done could even flick that switch inside others to make similar changes.  I hope I am wrong.  Despite my feelings otherwise, I really hope it's possible that I can indeed inspire.  But, I haven't been too inspirational lately.  I haven't followed my commandments that I laid out a week or so ago.  I have eaten popcorn and drank soda EVERY day over the last couple of weeks!  I haven't lifted weights since the very first day that I started free weights.  I haven't been in the pool or up early in a couple of weeks.  Lately, I don't deserve to hear any praise that includes my name and the word "inspirational".  Lately, I haven't liked myself again. 

When I hung up with my sister, I realized that I really do want to be an inspiration.  It may sound arrogant, but so be it.  I wasn't the one who said it.  You said it.  So, if that's what you want or what you need, then I will try my hardest to oblige.  I would love nothing more than to inspire as many people as I can to make needed changes in their life.  So, I need to get my head out of my ass and start acting the part again.  Tonight, I start again.

Here's to being an "inspiration"...