I Don't Know How That Could Happen!

Over the years of watching "The Biggest Loser", I have seen some pretty amazing transformations.  The part I have always had a problem with is when I see the "updates" on television or in magazines such as People.  It has always saddened me to see these people who had made such positive changes go right back to their old eating habits and gain most or all of their weight back.  I never understood this.  I always said, "I don't know how that could happen!".  I always thought to myself that would never happen to me.  I just couldn't grasp working that hard and then just letting it all go.  It hardly seemed possible.

Well, this week, I got a glimpse in to how it happens.  Not that I haven't lost before and then gained.  I know all about being bad for a week and then all of a sudden it's six months later and I wonder what just happened.  So, I had some idea of how quickly a person can relapse.  But, that was 20 or 30 pounds, not  100. After losing close to 100 pounds and feeling completely confident that I was "fixed", I found out I was wrong. 

A friend told me today that I really hadn't changed my eating habits.  She's right!  And, I already knew this.  That is why I still avoid going to Mexican restaurants.  That is why I avoid going to the places I love.  I think I will always have this problem which, again, goes back to my beliefs about not putting myself in to situations that I can't handle.  I will argue with her that I am better.  These bad days are still 1,000-2,000 calories less bad than they were before.  I even go to restaurants and order a side salad and make the right decision from time to time.  I am better.  But, I am not healed.

So, after gaing 8.6 pounds in only 8 days, I lost my mojo again.  Even though I still have lost around 90 pounds, I found myself feeling fat again.  I found myself eating to the point that I felt that old disgusting fullness and lethargy.  I found myself tired when I was driving because I had eaten a heavy meal.  I found myself eating cashews by the handful... cashews that I shouldn't have even purchased let alone consumed like Duke eating $100 bills!  Besides the simple fact that it's like placing crack on the table in front of an addict, the decision is made even more boneheaded based on my diverticulitis and the fact that I should be avoiding nuts entirely!  But, I didn't care.  And, in the end, that feeling of not caring even when my mind was telling me no is what scared me the most.  I am disgusted with myself for the last week and  even more disgusted that I would ever not care again.

Now, having said all that.  I am still going to go out on a limb and reiterate, "I don't know how that could happen!".  Because despite the fact that I put a few pounds back on, I haven't gained 80 pounds back.  And, I won't!  I will back my original statement here in this blogg.  In three months, I will look  at "The Biggest Loser" updates and still wonder how they let it happen.  I will not be one of those stories for all of you to shake your head at and wonder what knocked Anthony off course. 

Today starts a new streak.  A streak that I have not  kept track of up until now.  I am going to see how many days I can go without any exceptions.  I am going to see how many days straight I can stay under my calorie goals.  Today will be my 203rd straight day of exercising and my 1st day of no exceptions.  I am not planning on getting to 203.  But, I do plan to set a bar high enough that I will have a number to shoot for the next time I find myself slipping in to the abyss. 

September will come and go and I will miss my goal once again.  In the end, I will find myself around five pounds lighter than I was to start the month.  And, if that's the best i can do, well then 200 will just have to weight until the end of the year.  I can handle that.

Here's to a new start...