Embarassing

Yes, the last year has been embarassing.  It stuns me to think that I have gained almost 55 pounds since my low of 198.  I guess the good news is that I am still 60+ lower than my all-time high.  But, it is still embarassing. 

I'm not embarassed that I am now over 250 pounds.  I am embarassed because I said it wouldn't happen to me.  I said I couldn't believe someone could lose all that weight and then let themselves go again.  I am embarassed when someone still tells me I look good and I know how fat I feel in my mind.  I am embarassed of my round face that has come back. 

I was proud, and rightfully so.  But, despite it not being the main reason for blogging, it is hard to deny that there isn't a certain element of bragging that comes with posting all of your successes.  My main reason was accountibility. But, I liked seeing the weight loss posted on Facebook.  I liked posting my numbers on this blog.  All the evidence you need to know that there is an element of bragging in this blog is the lack of blogging during those times when I wasn't as successful.  I used the excuse of being too busy.  But, I was equally as busy when I was blogging twice a day. 

The flip side of having the veiled opportunity to brag a little bit is the bit of crow I find myself eating now that I have failed over the last year.  And, I do consider it a failure.  You can sugar coat it all you want.  But, I succeeded with hard work and discipline.  And, I failed because I was lazy and lacked even a little bit of willpower. 

But, I am back and plan to write about my continued journey, whether I am successful or continue to struggle.  Thanks again for always reading.  Here's to sucking it up and taking the bad with the good...