239.4, 238.6, 243.0, 242.0

Okay, I lied.  Wasn't I taught to "never say never".  You would think I would learn by now.  If I hadn't used it as a blog title before, I would have titled this "I Suck".  I am not sure what is worse, going back over 240 or realizing that, despite what I may think to the contrary, I have not fully made the mental switch that is required to really make a change.  I keep thinking I have had that moment again.  But, when faced with even the slightest temptation, I am still weak. 

I felt energized after waking up to a new low on Saturday of 238.6.  After going to the club, I decided to weigh myself again and saw 237.2!  That was the motivation I needed with a planned housewarming party that we were going to that afternoon.  I figured there would be some snacks and beer.  A beer or two, easy on the snacks, and I would wake up Sunday to something in the 238 range.  But, they had chicken wings, pizza, and home-made salsa and bean dip.  I will blame it on the Florida Gators.  In my excitement over the huge win over LSU, I lost my senses and kept eating... and eating... and eating.  I don't even know what comes over me at those moments.  I feel the resentment as soon as I take a moment to breathe.  I knew I would be close to or over 240.  But, when I saw 243 on Sunday morning, all of those feelings of self-loathing came back in full force.  It is amazing that I can gain 4.4 in one day.  Even more amazing that I gained 5.8 from my post-workout weight.

So, once again I am doomed by my choices on the weekends.  I started thinking about the difference between my weeks and my weekends.  So, I looked it up.  Over the last 11 weekend weigh-ins, those on Sunday and Monday (based on my Saturdays and Sundays), I have gained 20 pounds.  20 pounds!  Over that same period, my weigh-ins on the other five days, Tuesday through Saturday, I have lost 30.6 pounds!   If I took away the weekends, I would already be close to 220.  During that period, I have had only one weekend where I stayed the same and one weekend where I lost 3.6 pounds.  The other 9 weekends all saw me gain weight.  It is hard to believe that I know this and can't control myself. 

Back to the week, where I will kick butt and get myself back to 238.  Then on to the weekend where I have nothing planned... yet.  But, there will come a point where I don't care whether I have plans or not.  That hasn't come yet.  But, I hope it does soon.

Day 52 - (1.0), Overall - (10.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (12.1)
The Commitment - Day 13 - (1.0), Overall - (3.0)

239.4

Down .4 and still under 240.  Four days later, I am still .2 pounds away from recovering from this weekend.  So, I should get back to where I was last Friday just in time for a new weekend.  This one will be better...

At this point, my prospects of reaching my goal by November 1 look bleak.  But, I will still keep tracking that pace as a goal and hope it can at least motivate me to something better than when I started seven weeks ago.

Day 48 - (0.4), Overall - (13.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 19.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (7.8)
The Commitment - Day 9 - (0.4), Overall - (5.6)

239.8

Back under 240... FOR THE LAST TIME EVER!!!  Down .4 from yesterday.  If I can string 12 more days together of being decent, I shouldn't ever see 240 again.  Time to start working on sub-235.

Day 47 - (0.4), Overall - (12.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 20.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (7.8)
The Commitment - Day 8 - (0.4), Overall - (5.2)

240.2

Down 2.6 pounds after a good day. 

Lost in my self-loathing yesterday was the fact that I actually hit 239.2, another new recent low.  Hopefully, I will move under that tomorrow or the next day.  All in all, despite the poor weekend, I am down almost 5 pounds over the last week.

Still stupid though...

Day 46 - (2.6), Overall - (12.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 20.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (7.7)

The Commitment - Day 7 - (2.6), Overall - (4.8)

239.2, 242.6, 242.8

Yes, I am that stupid.  Upset with myself for the weekend.  Tired of being upset with myself for the weekends.  I went in to the weekend expecting to struggle.  But, I still had hopes of staying under or real close to the 240 mark. 

I had planned to eat very little or nothing at all on Saturday knowing that we had dinner plans.  But, my Mom invited us to join her, my sister, and my nephews for breakfast at the Pantry.  I didn't overdo it.  But, I didn't eat healthy either.  I think there was a part of me that knew I was already writing off the day, so I stopped worrying about it.  Bad decision. 

I planned to enjoy myself at dinner.  But, there is a difference between enjoying one's self and being a glutton.  I was going to say subtle difference.  But, it's not so subtle.  Maybe glutton is too harsh of a word.  I didn't eat to the point of embarassing myself.  But, I had a little bit extra of everything.  And, I won't bore you with my food choices.  For a weight-loss blog, I already spend way too much time talking about food.  Suffice it to say, everything was awesome. 

So, I woke up on Sunday 3.4 pounds heavier.  In my mind, I was hoping for about 2.  Okay.  Worse than expected... so, time to buckle down.  Then I had a pretty good day on Sunday eating and exercising.  I even threw out a refrigerator full of tempting leftovers.  So, like most of these bad nights, I figured I would get at least 2 pounds back this morning and the weekend damages would be just over a pound.  Instead, this morning was even higher than yesterday.  I wanted to cry.  This is not an exaggeration.  This is not my blog-persona being over-dramatic for purposes of a better read.  I am upset that I ruined a really good start with a bad weekend.  I am upset that I couldn't have eaten and drank 60% of what I consumed.  I am upset that I not only went back over 240, but I went way over 240.  I am upset with myself for not exercising on Saturday.  I am upset with myself for not making a better choice at breakfast.  I am upset with myself for letting my mind tell me that it is okay to give up a whole day.  I am upset that this blog has become so redundant.  I don't know if I would keep reading if I was a follower.  Down 3.  Up 2. Up 1.  Disappointed.  Ready to start.  Committed.  Back in a groove.  Up again.  Bad day.  Behind pace. Blah blah blah blah blah...

So stupid...

Day 45 - 0.2, Overall - (9.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (9.9)
The Commitment - Day 6 - 0.2, Overall - (2.2)

239.4

For the first time since February 29, or 212 days ago, I am back under 240!  On that day, i weighed 238.8.  I crossed over 240 on March 1 and have been there ever since.  Down .8 for the day.  Down 13.2 over the last six weeks.  And, down 5.6 over the last three days.  I am still 5.2 pounds behind my original goal for today.  But, considering I was 9.5 pounds behind just three days ago, I am okay with that. 

After tomorrow night, I plan on two more weeks of complete diligence that will, hopefully, put me at or below my original pace goal.  Making better choices.  And, finally saying no to my temptations.  Not only feeling better physically, but feeling better mentally.

Day 42 - (0.8), Overall - (13.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 19.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (5.2)
The Commitment - Day 3 - (0.8), Overall - (5.6)

240.2

Day 2 of my "commitment" and I am down another 1.6 and 4.8 in just a couple of days.  "The Commitment", sounds kind of like a Nicholas Sparks' movie.  I really need to name these things better.  This is a new recent low and the last time I weighed this exact amount was March 2.  My mini-goal is to lose a couple of more pounds, get under 240, and try to stay there even after our dinner on Saturday night.  It would be great to start a new week just at or under 240 and start looking at some numbers on the scale with a "3" in the second digit!

Day 41 - (1.6), Overall - (12.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 20.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (5.5)
The Commitment - Day 2 - (1.6), Overall - (4.8)

241.8

Now that's how you get something started!  Down 3.2 after Day 1 of my "commitment".

Now, I must confess that I still ended up cheating... though I wasn't conscious of my decision.  My old nemesis, free food, tried to ruin Day 1.  I wasn't aware there was free food in the office.  I wasn't even invited to the party.  But, as I walked past a conference room where a baby shower was taking place, I heard a bunch of ladies yell my name and invite me in to partake in all of the extra food they had.  I promise you it was actual people yelling my name and not the sound of free food calling me!  So, I joined them.  And, I was good... or so I thought.  I filled my plate with mostly salad with a light dressing.  Then, instead of making a sandwich, I put some deli slices and pickles on my plate and skipped the bread and mayo.  But, I also grabbed some provolone and some blue cheese crumbles for my salad.  When I left the room, I felt good about my decisions.  But, almost immediately after updating myfitnesspal.com with the details, my brother sent me an e-mail that read, "I thought you weren't eating any cheese?".  I have heard of Facebook creeping before, but never MyFitnessPal creeping!  But, he was right.  I had forgotten.  I honestly would have skipped the cheese had I remembered.  It was an oversight and not a decision to cheat.  So, apologies to my brother and our commitment.  And, thanks for keeping me on track you psycho obsessive nutbag (you can see that this type of behavior is a family trait).  Based on my results, I still met up with my old nemesis, free food, and won this battle.

So, back to my commitment.  I have to make a slight modification.  This is the problem with life, or at least my life recently, too many "events".  I picked this two weeks because I had nothing going on.  And, as soon as I had written it in this blog, my boss and his girlfriend invited Lori and I over for dinner on Saturday.  There is no way to stay true to my committment.  No way that I can go and have a salad.  No way that I can skip the beers and mafiosas (a treat I have only heard about and not experienced) and drink just water.  She is an awesome cook and it will be an Italian smorgasbord of authentic delights.  She is even making home-made pasta!  My best bet would have been to say we had plans and then hope for another invite.  I wanted to go and didn't want to risk that not happening in the future.  So, here is my new "modified" commitment.  I will do awesome through Saturday night.  I will limit the damages that night as much as possible without offending (lol).  Then, I will add two more weeks to my original dates.  So, 18 of 19 days of being "almost" perfect.  And, then I will pray that nobody else asks me over for dinner, to a fundraiser, in to a conference room with free pizza, to a sporting event, or out to a favorite restaurant.  That's all...

By the way, I also had bowling last night.  I skipped the Shock Top pitchers and the chili cheese fries that looked really good.  Despite my teammates attempts at getting me back over 250, I was good.  Just thought you should know.

Day 40 - (3.2), Overall - (10.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (6.7)

245.0

I got back to 245 quicker than I got to 240.  I don't think I have ever been that "good" at Mi Ranchito's and it still cost me a pound.  I guess I penciled in a gain.  But, when I got home last night, I had high hopes of being the same this morning. 

So, further in to the rabbit hole I go.  But, today I start on my two weeks of...  hmmm, I was going to say hell.  But, I need to celebrate the next two weeks.  So, today starts my two weeks of living right!

Day 39 - 1.0, Overall - (7.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (9.5)

244.0

Awful weekend.  I now find myself even further behind pace and 4 whole pounds away from getting under 240.  Not good.

Tonight, we have our quarterly Mi Ranchito's dinner with my Mom.  I plan on limiting the damages and not being my normal self.  But, it will still be a struggle to not go back over 245.  I had mentioned my commitment of a week of diligence to my brother.  Sadly, that couldn't start for me last week.  I could have been better, yes.  But, I had too much going on to be diligent. 

So, it starts tomorrow.  And, I am committing to two weeks of diligence.  From Tuesday, September 25 through Monday, October 8, I will commit (or at least promise to try really hard) to do the following...

- No soda.
- No beer.
- No fried foods.
- No cheese.
- No bread.
- No ice cream.
- 14 days straight of entering everything in myfitnesspal.com.
- 14 days straight of at least 30 minutes of cardio.
- 10-12 days of weight lifting.
- Nothing that I would consider an "exception".

My goal is to get under 235 in that period.  I need something to kick this in to a higher gear.  This slow down and up is not working and I am painfully behind the pace I set for myself... with the posted pace not even agressive as what I really had in mind.

Day 38 - 2.4, Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (8.0)

240.6

Down .8 pounds and ever so close to the 230s.  It's kind of like Chinese water torture... slow and brutal... drip... drip......  drip..........  drip.........................

Instead of focusing on how I am still 3.3 pounds behind the pace I set for today, let's celebrate some of the good news.  In five weeks, I am down 12 pounds.  I wanted 15.  But, if you told me I could lose 12 pounds every 5 weeks over the next four months, I would be more than thrilled.  Instead of hovering around the low 250s, I am now hovering around the low 240s.  I feel better in my clothes and feel better mentally and physically. 

See, that wasn't so hard to say now, Anthony, was it?

Day 35 - (0.8), Overall - (12.0), Pounds To Break 220 - 20.8, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.3)

241.4

Down .4 pounds.  Creeping was the wrong word.  Not even sure "inching towards" 240 would be correct.  I am at a snail's place.  But, I will take the drop since I still couldn't muster up the energy to get to the club.  Did I tell you how much I hate being sick?!

Day 34 - (0.4), Overall - (11.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 21.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.7)

241.8

Down 1.2 from yesterday and at a new low as I creep ever so close to the 240 barrier that has eluded me.  Still not feeling great, but closer to human each day.  May push my luck and go to the club this evening.

Day 33 - (1.2), Overall - (10.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.6)

242.2, 242.8, 243.4, 243.0

I hate being sick.  I hate being sick now even more than I used to.  It's because when I'm sick, I don't feel like exercising... even if I feel like exercising.  So, my new pact with my bro to go a perfect week is somewhat sidelined by my inability to exercise and lift weights.  So, the perfect week will have to wait.  But, I can still work on a really good week.

Despite not feeling great, the Mexican fiesta still took place, along with lots of my favorites.  Somehow, maybe it was all of the activity in getting ready for the fiesta, I was able to only gain .6 pounds.  I was pretty happy with that.  I was less happy after I gained another .6 the next day without Mexican food as an excuse... well, other than the leftovers. 

Back down .4 this morning.  Not a bad weekend.  But, I still find myself making little progress and not managing to get under 240.  So, I will try to get healthy and owe my brother that perfect week.

Day 32 - (0.4), Overall - (9.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (4.4)

242.4

Down .8 pounds and at a new (recent) low.  After four weeks, I am down 10.2 pounds and 2.0 behind my pace.  After a fast start, I am not thrilled.  But, I will take it and be content.  I will tell myself what I tell my daughter, even if it is harder to convince myself.  Don't be in a hurry.  10 pounds per month still gets you to a great place by the end of the year.  Though, I am hoping that my two weeks of diligence to end September give me a little bit of a headstart. 

Day 28 - (0.8), Overall - (10.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (2.0)

243.2

Down another .8, but still 2.4 behind the pace I established.  Maybe I can run a marathon on Saturday to offset my Mexican fiesta!

Day 27 - (0.8), Overall - (9.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (2.4)

244.0

Down .8 after an okay day. 

Made an agreement with my brother to go a week without any exceptions.  Unfortunately, that week can't start yet because we gave friends coming over this weekend and the dinner menu consists of green chile, chips and salsa, guacamole, beef, chicken, fideo, and margaritas - all of it home-made (yes, even the chips)!  I am not even going to pretend that there is even a small chance of being good.  As my brother said yesterday, I may end up hitting 250 after that night. 

So, our commitment to each other is 9 days, from September 16 through September 24, with NO exceptions.  I need a run of days like that.  In fact, I am actually going to strive to go from this Sunday all the way through the end of the month.  That includes a visit from my Mom and a likely trip to Mi Ranchito's.  But, I need to figure that out someday and it might as well be this trip.

Day 26 - (0.8), Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (2.8)

244.8

Ho hum day.  Not much to say.

Day 25 - (0.4), Overall - (7.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.1)

245.2

I can't tell you how hard it is to post on here when I have had a bad day, or bad weekend in this case.  I want so badly to get through a weekend a little lighter and start a new week on a good note.  Even more so with my lack of recent success.  I think, more than anything, posting these posts just feel so redundant and boring.  "I suck", "curse the weekend", "back to it", blah blah blah, yada yada yada.

We had originally planned on going to Elitch Gardens (a Denver amusement park) on Saturday.  I thought with all of the walking, an hour or so in the wave pool, climbing some steps for some of the rides, and an average amusement park lunch, I would be down a little or pretty much equal heading in to Sunday.  But, after finding out the water park portion of the amusement park was closed as of Labor Day, we decided not to go.  So, with absolutely nothing planned other than letting Kelsea see Niko's new apartment, we did the next best thing... we looked for a good place to eat. 

Kelsea suggested Duffy's Cherry Cricket, a place I had been to years ago when consulting in Denver and a place recommended to her by some people she works with.  The Cherry Cricket is a bar near the Cherry Creek Mall hidden amongst a bunch of high-priced shopping.  Well, it used to be just a bar.  After being featured on a couple of food shows on television, including Man Vs. Food, business is booming and the restaurant expanded a couple of years ago and must seat at least three times the number of people than it did 15 years ago. 

The Cherry Cricket is known for their burgers with a ton of toppings to choose from, including the infamous peanut butter and egg combo.  I skipped that, though I did have the egg... and bacon, and cheese, and mayo, and french fries, and chips and salsa, and a good portion of Lori's burrito.  When I had previously frequented The Cherry Cricket 15 years ago, I got the same thing every time I went and loved it.  I was going to get the same thing again, a white chili chicken burrito.  But, I wanted to try the burgers as well.  So, when Lori ordered the burrito, I figured I could try both.  I didn't intend on eating mine and almost half of hers.

So, we spent the rest of the day shopping and trying to make that miserable feeling go away.  I was stuffed.  Right about the time I was feeling like a normal human being again, Lori and my son wanted to go to dinner.  So, we ended up at the place I thought we would go originally, Red Robin, a family favorite.  Now, before you thing this story takes an even more tragic turn, let me just say that I didn't eat.  Well, very little.  I picked at a few fries, took a small bite of my wife's burger and my son's wrap, and had a couple of spoons of my daughter's shake.  That was enough to make me feel slightly gross again.  But, all in all given the circumstance, a minor dalliance with willpower.

Despite my late night restraint, it wasn't enough to keep me from gaining 3.2 pounds on Sunday.  Yesterday wasn't a whole lot better.  Played in a scramble golf tourney and ate and drank.  Ate some more last night.  The only good thing was the 18 holes of golf. 

I somehow managed to get 2.2 back this morning, leaving me 1.8 higher than I started the weekend.  I hate this sense of relief mixed in with my anger.  I should just be mad at myself.  I hate that my son moved to Denver.  As soon as I pass Castle Rock on the way to Denver, all I can think about is what I want to eat.  It's a good thing I don't live in a big city.  And, it's a good thing that I decided I am never visiting my son again.

That puts me way behind pace...

Day 24 - (2.0), Overall - (7.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.1)

243.4

First, the bad news.  I am actually 1 pound heavier than I was last Friday. That's not good.

Now, for some good news.  I am down 1.4 from yesterday... the first decent drop in days.  And, I am back on pace.  Exactly on pace to be more specific.  My three week goal was 243.4.  After starting so well, it seems somewhat bittersweet.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I am where I wanted to be and will take some solace in that.

Day 21 - (1.4), Overall - (9.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0

244.8

At this rate, I will be 300 pounds again soon.  But, I will be really strong! 

I went from two weeks ahead of pace to now being behind pace by almost a pound. 

Day 20 - +0.8, Overall - (7.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (0.9)

244.0... Again

Once again, a near perfect day is squandered by...  well, I don't exactly know why.  This has become somewhat disheartening and my initial goal of just getting under 240 again seems like it is permanently on hold.  I did this once before and was pretty confident about my formula.  The only thing that has changed is that I am now lifting weights daily.  In fact, I haven't lifted this hard since I was a teenager.  But, I still have a hard time believing that this is the reason I have flatlined on this phase of my journey. 

Yesterday, I ate well, lifted weights at lunch, bowled for two and a half hours, and still made it to the club for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I didn't even eat or drink anything at the bowling alley!  What would normally be a 2 pound loss resulted in absolutely NO CHANGE! 

The only other possibility besides gaining muscle weight is the possibility that I am not getting enough calories.  The only way to fix that issue is to begin to eat less healthy foods.  I say this because I honestly could not eat much more food.  I eat plenty of food and am always full.  Yet, because of my choices, I am having a hard time getting my calories up.  The solution of changing the foods to higher caloric foods just doesn't feel like the answer.  But, if things don't turn over the next week, it is my only option.

Day 19 - no change, Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0.3

245.0 Yesterday, 244.0 Today

Well, I got 2 of the pounds back over the last couple of days and that puts me back slightly ahead of pace.  Still 1.6 behind where I was on Friday with a pretty ugly weekend.

Day 18 - (1.0), Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0.7

242.6 Yesterday, 246.0 Today

I followed up a perfect day that saw me STILL gain .2 pounds with an absolutely dreadful day that included CiCi's pizza buffet, a lot of cashews, and some chocolate-covered pomegranate to complete the fat trifecta.  That combination resulted in more than 4,000 calories, or more than I had consumed total for the three previous days!  And, I paid for it dearly with a 3.4 pound gain this morning.  That also puts me behind pace.

Day 16 - 3.4, Overall - (6.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 26.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (0.4)

242.4

With my .8 pound drop from yesterday, that puts me at 10.2 over the first two weeks.  I like that I am 10+ pounds down.  But I am disappointed that week 2 was only a pound.  Given the three "episodes" (as I will now call them) that I had, I guess I should take the pound and shut up.  I still find myself 2.2 pounds from my internal goal of 240 that I wanted for today.  The good news is that I am already a pound in front of next Friday's original goal and 2 pounds from the following week's goal.  Even better than that, despite what the scale shows, I have had three near-perfect days and I feel better already and my clothes are starting to fit better again.

Day 14 - (0.8), Overall - (10.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.1

243.2

That's a little better.  Down 1.8 after another near-perfect day.  Would have been even happier had that not followed a 1 pound gain yesterday.  I won't get to 240 by tomorrow as I had hoped.  So, I will hope for something around 242 and still be thrilled!  Today's weight is my lowest since May 26 and puts me 3.7 ahead of my pace.

Day 13 - (1.8), Overall - (9.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.7

245.0... WTF?!!!!!!

Over the last two and a half years, I have had plenty of surprises.  Days, like Monday, where I thought I would be up a pound or two and am only up .4.  Days where I feel like I have done pretty good and find myself exactly the same as the day before.  But, NEVER have I been as disappointed as I was this morning.  I had a perfect day yesterday.  My calories were low (possibly too low?), I lifted weights at lunch, rode my bike to the gym and back and around the neighborhood (25 minutes), and walked on the treadmill for 45 minutes.  I fully expected to not only lose weight, but to have one of those 2-3 pounds losses that would put me back on track to being 240 by Friday. Well, that hope was dashed this morning after gaining a pound.

Now, before you send me comments saying "don't give up", "maybe you put on muscle", "you need more calories", let me assure you that: 1) I will not give up and still feel good about what I am doing; 2) I have not gained any muscle yet and this theory is over-rated and over-used; and 3) I will be careful about my calories and up it a little bit.  Regarding that last sentence, I don't believe that the body goes in to starvation mode that quickly. 

I will just chalk it up to one of those days.  The weird thing is how well I can predict where I am going to be and how far off base I was this time.

Day 12 - 1.0, Overall - (7.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 2.4

244.0

Down .2 from yesterday after eating a not-so-good lunch.  That means I have failed to eat well for the third time in four days.  Not good.  Today I will make amends before I lose any momentum.  I wanted to be under 240 by this Friday.  I now have left myself with only three days.

Day 11 - (0.2), Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.8

244.2

Alright, so I start the new week .8 pounds up from Friday's weight.  Not the weekend I had hoped for.  But, not quite as damaging as weekends have been lately.  I have said this before, it's all about expectations.  After a great first half of the day, I had a horrible night.  I won't go in to details.  But, suffice it to say, I thought I was going to gain at least a couple of pounds and was dreading going back over 245.  I couldnt' believe the scale when I saw I had only gone up .4.  That was incredible news.  Message to the weight gods - I will reward you this week with hard work for being so kind to me this morning.

Day 10 - 0.4, Overall - (8.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.0

243.8

Down .4 after an okay day.  Need to lose .6 by tomorrow so that I start my week lower than I ended the previous week.  If I can get through the weekends lower or close to my weight going in to the weekends, that will be a good omen.

Day 9 - (0.4), Overall - (8.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.9

244.2

My punishment for free food was .8 pounds.  I guess it could have been worse.  Moving on...

Day 8 - 0.8, Overall - (8.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.9

Stupid VIP Passes

One of the perks I left behind when I left Loaf 'N Jug was Colorado State Fair tickets.  It's not that I don't want to pay for the day or two when we might go the Fair and actually spend the day there.  It's just that Lori and I had gotten out of the habit of actually spending a whole day wondering around the Fair.  Instead, and because we had an admission pass for the entire length of the Fair, we would go over on a lot of nights for shorter periods of time.  Mostly, we just went for walks and did a lot of people watching.  We would walk for a couple of hours, catch up with friends we ran in to, watch the young kids in the Midway macking on one another, and laugh at all of the strange foods, stores, shows, and mostly the people.  But, I don't want to pay full price just to take walks.

It was also nice to get to see some of the shows that have come through the Fairgrounds.  I have enjoyed going back in time with Loverboy, Foreigner, and REO Speedwagon and getting a chance to see some of my new faves like Chris Daughtry.  The only thing that helped me not miss having a chance for concert tickets this year was the fact that I really didn't have a lot of interest in any of the shows this year.

So, I realized that my recent tradition of finding myself at the Fair on the opening night was coming to an end.  I got home from work tonight and checked Facebook quickly before heading to the club.  And, there it was.  A local restaurant, Feelin' A Little Philly Cheesesteaks, posted that they had two tickets to the Chris Young concert if anyone wanted them.  I asked Kelsea if she wanted to go.  Not because I love Chris Young.  I honestly don't know a single Chris Young song and only recently even heard the name.  But, I wanted to go to the Fair, I thought it would be nice to hang with my daughter, and I thought it would fun to see a rodeo.  Yes, I have never been to a rodeo... we are not all cowboys in Colorado. So, we picked up the tickets.  Thank you Feelin' A LIttle Philly Cheesesteaks for the generous offer (and I do frequent your restaurant... even have a punchcard!) and apologies to those two females out there who were dying to see Chris Young only to find out two people who just wanted something to do had already taken them.

The point of this long story?  Well, when we got the tickets, she said they were also VIP tickets and got us in to the VIP tent... with free food.  Yes, my nemesis, free food.  I had already had some tomatoes and mozzarella for dinner and was feeling pretty good.  But, it was free food.  So, I went through the line and got a little bit of everything.  In the end, I skipped over a lot of it and probably ate half my plate.  But, there was also chips and salsa on the table... my other nemesis.  I ate plenty of that.  And, as I took my last bite and drank my last drink of the beer I also had, the regret started sinking in.

So, I have shown some resolve at a couple of lunches and at an engagement party.  But, not so much tonight. Shame on me. The one thing I have never fixed even when I was losing weight was wanting to take advantage of free food.  That is embarassing to write.  But, maybe if I keep embarassing myself and admitting this, I will one day be able to break myself of this habit. 

After spending some time catching up with friends, including all of my favorite LNJ people, Kelsea and I walked briskly around the Fair for about 45 minutes.  I heard a couple of Chris Young songs and all I can say is that I am glad the girls find him cute, because that is just not the type of country I like (again, sorry to those two girls).  I got home and decided to make one last ditch effort to keep my streak of not gaining weight alive.  So, I went for a 25 minute bike ride.  I don't feel great.  I don't feel horrible.  But, I anxiously await tomorrow's news.

Here's to skipping the food at the VIP tent next time... scratch that, here's to skipping the entire concert and going to the club with my daughter instead and spending quality time there... and letting those two girls enjoy those tickets a little more than we would...

243.4... 9.2 Down After One Week!

Down 1.0 pound since yesterday and 9.2 down from last Friday!  The best part of yesterday was surviving another restaurant without gaining weight.  I chose Chipotle for my belated birthday lunch and got a chicken bowl.  Not as low as my typical work lunches.  But, not too bad.  And, it was excellent.

The best part of the day was last night when I mowed the lawn for 20 minutes, rode my bike for 30 minutes, and walked on the treadmill for 45.  That puts me 6.6 pounds ahead of pace after one week.  Even crazier is that I am already at the pace I established for myself two weeks from now!  This is the lowest I have been since May 26!

Day 7 - (1.0), Overall - (9.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 6.1

244.4

 Back under 245!  Down 1.4 from yesterday.  As I said in my post last night, the last time I was under 245 was June 26, or 58 days ago.  Still hard to believe.  My next barrier, 240, was even longer ago.  The good news is that the jump from 240 to 245 took a lot longer than many of the previous jumps.  That last happened on February 29!  So, I have been 240+ for six months.  That's depressing.

Now, I work on figuring out a place to go eat with my friends for my belated birthday lunch without gaining weight tomorrow.  Hmmmmm...

Day 6 - (1.6), Overall - (8.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 5.6

Sneaky Little Weight

I spent some time today looking back over the last year.  I was mostly looking at the last time I was under 245, then 240, then 235, etc.  I was writing down the dates so that I knew them when I broke those barriers and I could write that on this blog.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have been upset with myself for how I have fluctuated between 240-250 pounds.  Well, weight gain can be a sneaky little thing.  I looked to see when I last was under 245, since I am approaching that mini-barrier this week.  I was stunned to see that it was June 26!  Almost two months ago!  So, I wasn't hovering between 240-250.  I was actually hovering between 245-255.

I think it would be easier to make change if you saw that weight in large chunks.  If you went from 235 to 250 over night or over a week, you might take notice and make immediate changes. But, what happens, or at least for me over the last year, is that you slowly creep up.  I crept in to the 220s in September of last year.  I made the jump to the 240s late in 2011.  You get the picture.  I kept thinking that I was a little higher than the month before.  Which was true... for 11 consecutive months.  It's harder to make changes when you only see a few extra pounds in a month.  Weight should be more obvious.

I am on to weight's dirty little tricks.  Here's to outfoxing the weight... oh, and getting under 245 for the first time in almost two months...

246.0

Great day yesterday.  I ate like I was eating two years ago, low calories, low fat, high protein, high fiber.  I lifted weights at lunch for the first time in forever.  I did 40 minutes on the treadmill when I had been doing 30-35.  And then, I made the best choice of the day when I went to join Lori at Walmart to do some shopping.  Rather than drive, rather than walk (as I have been doing the last couple of times), I was running late so I decided to run as much as I could.  I ran between 50-60% of the way.  And, while it felt a little rough on the knees and lungs, it was the most euphoric feeling I have had in well over six months.  My reward this morning was another 1.6 pound drop.  Five days in, five days down, and 4.4 ahead of the pace I set for myself.  My new goal for the end of August is to get back under 240.

Day 5 - (1.6), Overall - (6.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 26.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.4

247.6

Down .8 pounds, or 5 pounds in 4 days!  I know I have thought this before, but I do feel like the switch has gone off again and I am back on track.  Ahead of my Friday goal by 1.9 pounds and 1.1 pounds shy of the following Friday's goal.

Day 4 - (0.8), Overall - (5.0), Pounds To Break 220 - 27.8, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.3

248.4

Down another pound.  More importantly, down 4.2 over a weekend.  Weekends are always difficult and, the way I have been lately, I would be happy to stay even throughout an entire weekend.  So, to lose 4+ is a great start.  Now, I have the week to continue the momentum with only one belated birthday lunch to test my mettle.

I realized this morning that I need a goal.  I like having weeky numbers that mean something.  And, as I always do, I think I will make it agressive but attainable.  So, the goal is under 220 by the end of October.  My goal when I started this was under 200.  And, I got there.  Not saying that I won't want to be there again.  But, right now I would be comfortable if I could settle in at 215.  So, that is 32.8 pounds in 75 days, or .44 per day.  Ahead of pace so far!

Day 3 - (1.0), Overall - (4.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 29.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 2.9

249.4

Despite a few drinks with friends, I was still down 2.6 pounds!  Lots of work in the yard, a trip to the club, and good eating made up for my slight indulgence last night.  Under 250 again.  I hope to never see that number again. 

For the second time in two days, I made some decent food choices at an event/restaurant.  Went to an engagement party and ignored all of the sweets, pasta, soda and had a couple of meatballs, some salad and water.  Again, that is my biggest weakness and is a good sign that my head is on right again.

Day 2 - (2.6), Overall - (3.2)

Old Friends

Mixed results today.  I ate pretty good all day.  Then I went to an engagement party for a friend from Loaf 'N Jug.  The problem is that there were several old friends from Loaf 'N Jug.  That ended up being several drinks with old friends from Loaf 'N Jug.  So, the day didn't end like it started.  Maybe I should have had those chicken wings with my son.  But, I had a great time and it was fun laughing with all of them.

Tomorrow will be interesting.  Here's to old Loaf 'N Jug friends...

252.0

Down .6.  Not a great start.  But, the positives are the choices I made at lunch yesterday after struggling with restaurant choices.  Water instead of soda.  Salad instead of french fries.  Turkey sandwich instead of a bacon cheeseburger.  Wanted to skip the club and still made myself go.  Today, Niko asked if we could cook chicken wings.  That sounded really good. But, I said no.  So, now everyone around me suffers... lol. 

It's a start.  The weight will come.  It always does.  Changing my mentality is the real battle.  Yesterday was a start.

Day 1 - (0.6), Overall - (0.6)

Embarassing

Yes, the last year has been embarassing.  It stuns me to think that I have gained almost 55 pounds since my low of 198.  I guess the good news is that I am still 60+ lower than my all-time high.  But, it is still embarassing. 

I'm not embarassed that I am now over 250 pounds.  I am embarassed because I said it wouldn't happen to me.  I said I couldn't believe someone could lose all that weight and then let themselves go again.  I am embarassed when someone still tells me I look good and I know how fat I feel in my mind.  I am embarassed of my round face that has come back. 

I was proud, and rightfully so.  But, despite it not being the main reason for blogging, it is hard to deny that there isn't a certain element of bragging that comes with posting all of your successes.  My main reason was accountibility. But, I liked seeing the weight loss posted on Facebook.  I liked posting my numbers on this blog.  All the evidence you need to know that there is an element of bragging in this blog is the lack of blogging during those times when I wasn't as successful.  I used the excuse of being too busy.  But, I was equally as busy when I was blogging twice a day. 

The flip side of having the veiled opportunity to brag a little bit is the bit of crow I find myself eating now that I have failed over the last year.  And, I do consider it a failure.  You can sugar coat it all you want.  But, I succeeded with hard work and discipline.  And, I failed because I was lazy and lacked even a little bit of willpower. 

But, I am back and plan to write about my continued journey, whether I am successful or continue to struggle.  Thanks again for always reading.  Here's to sucking it up and taking the bad with the good...

252.6

Alright, there it is.  I need this blog.  I need myfitnesspal.com.  I thought I could do this without the logging.  But, I was wrong.  I didn't stop writing in the blog for the same reason, just got lazy and it stopped being important.  Well, no longer. 

As you can see by my weight, I am still struggling.  That is not my recent high.  My recent high was 254.  That is, however, up from yesterday.  I had hoped to get to a decent number by my birthday.  Instead, I ate like a pig on my birthday and gained 1.8 pounds.

The lone positive thing I can say about myself is that I remain optimistic.  Last night I went birthday shopping and bought a pair of shorts that I love... in the wrong size.  So, for now, I can't even wear my new shorts along with other things I have bought over the last six months. But, I will... I will.

New Starting Weight, 252.6

Down 20 Pounds! My New Inspiration

Okay, before you get too excited for me, I am not talking about myself.  After six weeks, my daughter Kelsea is down 20 pounds!  And, I actually find myself jealous of her will power.  I am so incredibly proud of her determination and hope that she motivates me to get busy again.  I thought my 25th anniversary would motivate me.  I thought a weight-loss contest at work would motivate me.  But, none of those things worked.  Let's hope Kelsea can.

This morning, Kelsea put on a shirt that Lori and I had bought her in Las Vegas earlier in the year.  That shirt never fit her... until today.  She was beaming that she could now wear her Beatles shirt and I was thrilled. 

Let's not confuse any pride I have in my daughter as being some Shallow Hal-like thought of wanting my daughter to be thinner.  I love my daughter... immensely.  I would love her at 300 pounds, love her now at the weight she is at, and will love her going forward when there is less of her to love.  I am proud that she is fighting this battle.  Those who struggle with their weight understand what I am talking about.  I am proud that she has changed the way she eats and rarely gives in to temptation.  I am proud that she has started to exercise regularly. I am proud because she has some personal goals in front of her and she looks like she is going to accomplish them.

Throughout Kelsea's health struggles over the last couple of years, I have watched it effect her weight and her confidence.  She had some weight to lose before this, but these struggles and the drugs, like steroids, made everything harder for her.  She started to lose confidence and it seemed like she was accepting a fate of not being healthy.  For me, my only sadness when I looked at her was knowing that she didn't understand how beautiful she was.  That she didn't understand how much people cared about her because of her incredible personality, sense of humor, and great soul.  I wanted her to get healthy so that she believed again that she was a beautiful person.  I wanted her to get healthy so that all of these troubling health issues weren't as prone to keep continuing.  I wanted her to take on each day with a renewed confidence.  And, having gone through this and having been somewhat successful, I knew what changing the exterior to match the interior meant. 

I hope that Kelsea continues to be successful.  I hope that she is able to do what she wants to do in the upcoming year... something that requires her to be fit.  I hope she meets her goals.  I mostly hope that she finds a place where she can smile each day, be happy and confident, and have a shell that matches all of the awesomeness that she holds inside.  Kelsea - You are a BEAUTIFUL KIND CARING FUNNY LOVING person.  And, I will love you whether you meet this goal or not.  Just know that I am proud of your effort.

By the way, I weighed 245.4 this morning.  Not great.  Not my worst.  In my hiatus, I got as high as 253.6... which actually makes my current weight sound not too bad.  It's all about perspective!  Hopefully, it won't take me 3 months to write my next entry.

247.8

Mi Ranchito's... 'nuff said.

Last Chance Phase, Day 23 - 3.4, Overall - 0.0, Pounds From Goal - 40.0, Days Remaining-47, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (9.2)

244.4

Down 1.8 pounds.  I only need 4 more days just like that to get myself back on pace. 

Last Chance Phase, Day 22 - (1.8), Overall - (3.4), Pounds From Goal - 36.6, Days Remaining-48, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (5.4)

246.2

Up .2 pounds... with no weekend as an excuse.

Last Chance Phase, Day 21 - 0.2, Overall - (1.6), Pounds From Goal - 38.4, Days Remaining-49, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (6.8)

244.8/246.0

If there were any other words to describe "disappointment" or "self-loathing", I would use them.  Unfortunately, I think I have used them all up.  Time to get out the thesaurus...

Last Chance Phase, Day 20 - 1.2, Overall - (1.8), Pounds From Goal - 38.2, Days Remaining-50, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (6.2)

243.6

After meeting friends for lunch at a "restaurant", I am happy about the .6 drop this morning.  Always a good feeling to eat out and still not gain.  It would help me mentally if I could not gain any weight over the weekend.  Maybe I could even start a new week under 240!

Last Chance Phase, Day 18 - (0.6), Overall - (4.2), Pounds From Goal - 35.8, Days Remaining-52, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.0)

244.2

Down .8 and at my lowest weight since March 23.  Come on Anthony, you can do this...

Last Chance Phase, Day 17 - (0.8), Overall - (3.6), Pounds From Goal - 36.4, Days Remaining-53, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.2)

246.0/246.0/248.2/249.2/248.2/247.8/245.0

From Friday
Up .8 pounds as I continue to struggle to find any momentum.  Once again, found myself at a restaurant eating too much food after being perfect throughout the day.  The worst part about this story is that it was a restaurant that I have never even liked.  Contrary to local opinion, I am not a fan of The Do Drop Inn and their pizza.  Too thick, too sweet, too slow, too bland for me.  So, when my mom mentioned that her and the girls were thinking of going there last night, I didn't balk at the suggestion.  In fact, I was trying not to eat too much for dinner and thought that going to a place I didn't like would be perfect.  Despite my plan, the pizza seemed a little better than normal and I still ended up eating too much food.  I went from only planning to eat a little salad to having a couple of slices of pizza... and a little sald.

From Today
My brother asked me in a text yesterday whether I had cracked the 250 barrier.  Well, not quite, but I flirted with it.  Once again, I had another crappy weekend and ended up gaining another 3.2 pounds by Monday morning and saw the scale say 249.2 for the second time in the last three weeks. That seemed to motivate me slightly and this has been a decent week.  This morning was a 2.8 pound loss from yesterday and I found myself down 4.2 since Monday.  I need a good weekend because I really feel that breaking the 240 barrier again will help.

 Last Chance Phase, Day 16 - (2.8), Overall - (2.8), Pounds From Goal - 37.2, Days Remaining-54, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.6)

245.2

A little better day, down 1.6 pounds.

Last Chance Phase, Day  9 - (1.6), Overall - (2.6), Pounds From Goal - 37.4, Days Remaining-61, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.0)

246.8

I continue to disappoint myself on a daily basis.  It really comes down to one thing... being better when I eat out.  I am exercising most nights.  I am eating good at work and when I am home.  My only downfall is that I can't seem to show the same discipline when I eat out that I demonstrated when I was doing so well.  Over the last 8 days, I have had Ianne's pizza, Popeye's Chicken, Shorty's, Nacho's (twice), The Sunset Inn, and leftover Olive Garden.  Come on man!

Last Chance Phase, Day  8 - 0.8, Overall - (1.0), Pounds From Goal - 39.0, Days Remaining-62, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (2.2)

246.0

Down .6 pounds.  After skipping the gym, I will take it.

Last Chance Phase, Day  7 - (0.6), Overall - (1.8), Pounds From Goal - 38.2, Days Remaining-63, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.0)

244.4/246.2/246.6

Disappointing weekend that included a slopper at The Sunset... combined with fries... and a few more fries from Rita's plate... and a few more fries and a little more slopper from my mom's plate... and a little more green chile from Lori's plate... oh, and a side of green chile which I usually need but didn't this time... and the tortilla that came with that side of chile.  : (

The only good thing about the weekend is that I actually said no to the popcorn I was craving so badly at the movie theatre on Saturday night.  I guess it could have been worse.

Last Chance Phase, Day  6 - 0.4, Overall - (1.2), Pounds From Goal - 38.8, Days Remaining-64, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.2)

243.0

Down .6 pounds and down for the third straight day.  I am currently ahead of my .4 per day pace by 3.6 with a total of 4.8 through three days.  Today will be a challenge with a lunch with friends and pizza dinner with my mom and family.

Last Chance Phase, Day  3 - (0.6), Overall - (4.8), Pounds From Goal - 35.2, Days Remaining-67, Ahead (Behind) Pace - 3.6

243.6

Two days in and two days down!  Down another 1.0 this morning.

Last Chance Phase, Day  2 - (1.0), Overall - (4.2), Pounds From Goal - 35.8, Days Remaining-68

244.6

Great start to this comeback phase of my journey.  Down 3.2 pounds after a really good day of eating and exercise.  36.8 more to go over the next 69 days!

Last Chance Phase, Day  1-(3.2), Overall-(3.2), Pounds From Goal-36.8, Days Remaining-69

I'm Back!

As much as it has seemed that way over the last couple of months, this blog is not yet dead.  Unfortunately, I don't have any good news to share with you.  I have continued my roller coaster ride as I slowly climb upwards in weight.  I realize now that I am not strong enough to do this without this blog.  Without an exercise streak.  Without weekly goals.  Without sharing the numbers with you.

Way back in December, I stopped posting my weight.  I was too embarassed by what I saw on the morning of December 26 and decided to just post the changes.  What a sissy!  Without typing those numbers, without feeling embarassed, without sharing, this blog was useless.  I weight 246.0 that day, which at the time was my highest weight since June 25, 2010.  I hovered between that weight and 238.2 over the next six weeks.  I even had a four day streak where I lost weight every day, a first in a very long time.

But, right after that streak, Lori and I went to Las Vegas.  I didn't show the same control I had the last time we went to Las Vegas.  We eveb went to a buffet.  But, until the last day, I felt like I had walked enough to offset any of the bad food and drink.  That was before we made our way to The Carengi Deli and ate the Woody Allen... a giant pastrami and corned beef sandwich!  When I finished with my half, I couldn't have been too far from the meat sweats!  That sandwich sat in my stomach like a lump and returned to Pueblo with me.  My weight upon our return was 5.4 pounds higher than when I left and just under my high mentioned above.

Nothing changed, and on February 6, I saw another new high of 247.6 and was stunned.  That seemed to wake me up.  Combined with a recognition award from Kroger (of which I will talk more about later), it seemed to be what I needed and over the next couple of weeks, I lost 11.2 pounds.  I also lost weigh for 10 straight days and was feeling good about my choices.

Sadly, that wasn't it and I started gaining slowly once again.  I left for a business trip and subsequent trip to San Diego to move my son at 244.6.  Nothing changed on either of those trips and I found myself almost breaking the 250 mark at 249.2.  And, it showed.  And, I could feel it.  I was down to 243.8 by Saturday.

This morning, I was saddened when I saw 247.8.  Not my high, but extremely close and the second highest number I have seen in almost two years!  I told myself no more... but, I don't have near the confidence I had a few months ago.  What I do have is you.  What I do have is this blog.  What I do have is that sickening feeling I felt when I saw my brother last week and was embarassed by how I look.  What I do have is a limited wardrobe as I stubbornly refuse to buy new clothes.

I think this is my last chance to turn this around before I let myself go back to the way I was.  I don't want to be that person again.  I don't want to hate myself again.  I am dangerously close.  My goal is to lose 40 pounds over the next 10 weeks.  Here's to one more chance...

Last Chance, Starting Weight - 247.8
 

Down 3.0 Pounds

I was up 2.0 pounds on Saturday.  I followed that up with losses of .6, .2, and 3.0 over the last three days.  That puts me at 8.6 pounds lower than my high and at my lowest since December 11, or almost a month!  Still haven't made the drastic changes to get me completely on track.  But, I am happy with the subtle changes and the slow movement in the downward direction.

Up 1.4 Pounds

Not happy about it... but, I am still posting it.

Down 3.0 Pounds

Okay, so I have noticed I have developed  a rather annoying little habit.  I definitely seem to post more when I am losing weight.  For some reason, I just "seem" so much busier whenever I have gained weight and just can't find the time.  Of course, it's not like this is some great discovery about human nature.  The problem is that it is not good for accountibility.  The purpose of the blog was to write about those bad days so that they weren't repeated.

My New Year's Pary was a little worse than expected, as you can see by the numbers below.  A little more food and drink than I had planned... curse you Matt!  But, while I am not where I wanted to be today, I am still in a much better place than 11 days ago, having lost 8.2 pounds in that period.  Here are the January fluctuations...

January 1 - Up 3.4
January 2 - Down .8
January 3 - Up 1.2
January 4 - Down 1.2
January 5 - Down 3.0

Down 2.0 Pounds

Nice.  Down 7.8 pounds since Monday.  Now I only need to minimize the damage from the party I am going to tonight.  I am good if I gain a little weight.  I am just trying to avoid one of those 5 or 6 pound nightmares.  If I can get through tonight relatively unscathed, then I might have a chance at a 10 pound week.

Down 2.8 Pounds

I made up for missing the club on Wednesday night by going last night and again this morning.  Nice start to my Friday.  Down 5.8 pounds since Monday morning.  If I can get through the New Year's Eve party relatively unscathed, maybe I can start gaining a little momentum.

Up 2.0 Pounds

That's what happens when I skip exercising.  I want so badly to string together a week's worth of days where my weight decreases on every one.

Down 2.6 Pounds

I would  love nothing more than to string together about 10 straight days of going down in weight.  Down 5 pounds in the two days post-Christmas.  I started back on myfitnesspal.com yesterday morning and then forgot about it the rest of the day.  Will try again today.  Really need to make that a habit again because it really does help.  So, since I am talking about...

Down 2.4 Pounds

Wow!  Has it really been two weeks since I last posted.  I imagine you can guess that those two weeks haven't been that good based on my lack of posts.  I do have a tendency to write more when I am feeling better. 

So, today's drop may look good on the surface.  But, I must confess that it comes a day after seeing a new high and is not as exciting as it sounds.  I am still not telling you that new high... yet.  Since the highest weight I have posted on this blog over the last month was 240.6, I can tell you that it was higher than that.  Since I have said I have posted two new highs since then, you can assume I was at least 241.0 yesterday.  And, you would be on the low end.

Well, only one more holiday left to use as an excuse.  After next Sunday, I will no longer have an excuse for my bad behaviour.  What will I blame this on then? 

Down .2

Not good.  But, still lower.  Down 6.2 in 3 days.  Starting back on myfitnesspal.com this morning.

Down 2 Pounds!

Still not telling.  Down another 2 pounds (yes, an even 2 after an even 4).  Down 6 pounds in two days.  That's a good thing.  I can actually breathe again when I put on my pants...

Down 4 Pounds!

So, again, I am not telling you my weight.  I do plan on sharing my weight again...If I can actually string together any kind of success.  Today was a good morning after the horror of yesterday morning.  Despite that, I am done talking about "phases".  Done talking about "momentum".  Done talking about "getting back on track".  Done pretending that what I saw yesterday has "scared me straight".  We will know what kind of impact yesterday had on me in a couple of weeks.  We will see what that number is after all of the holiday parties, Christmas meal, and New Year's celebration.  We shall see...

I'm Not Telling!

Kind of like that kid who is losing and decides to take their ball home.  I did weigh this morning.  But, I am not sharing that weight with you because my fingers can not physically type that number.  Suffice it to say that it is a new high.  After a good-bye lunch with my Mom at a Chinese buffet followed by a steak dinner last night, I knew it was going to be painful.  I may type it another day if I end up putting this behind me.  But, for now, I am not sharing.

Oh, by the way, before this morning, the weekend was just okay.  Since Friday's weight of 237.8, I went 237.6, 237.2, and 237.6. 

Down 2.8 Pounds!

So, that's the good news!  After celebrating my son's graduation from college at Texas Roadhouse on Wednesday night and subsequently seeing a number yesterday that made me want to break down in tears, I came in to the office and disposed of all of the salty snacks, candy and junk food in my desk drawers.  I avoided the popcorn.  I skipped the soda.  And, the result above was my immediate reward.

So, where have I been, you ask?  Well, when I was young I was always taught that if you had nothing nice to say about someone then don't say anything at all.  Well, since my post on Thanksgiving morning, I have had absolutely nothing positive to say about Anthony Marinucci.  In fact, most of what I wanted to say about myself would be inappropriate for a family-friendly blog.  The phrase "spiralling out of control" hardly does it any justice.  Here are the numbers...

My last post (Thanksgiving morning) - 229.0
11/25 - N/A, after pigging out on Thanksgiving, I actually couldn't bear to step on the scale!
11/26 - 233.2
11/27 - 233.4
11/28 - 236.0
11/29 - 235.0
11/30 - 236.2
12/1 - 235.8
12/2 - 235.0
12/3 - 234.2
12/4 - 235.0
12/5 - 237.2
12/6 - 236.8
12/7 - 237.8
12/8 - 240.6
Today - 237.8

Over that time frame, I continued to set new highs that I never thought I would see again.  And, each time, I would think to myself, "no more".  So, instead of being close to 220 where I hoped to be, I gained 11.6 pounds.  I need an intervention...

I found myself watching The Biggest Loser and being skeptical when the contestants were looking back at where they had started and each of them said they would "never" go back to that again.  Like a jerk, I assumed my lack of willpower was shared by all of these contestants.  As if none of them would have the strength to stay at a lower weight just because I have failed. 

So, once again, I apologize to a long list.  I apologize to those who care about me who get to read how ugly this journey has turned and not be able to do anything about it.  I apologize to my brother who I made a promise to that I would use myfitnesspal.com... a promise that lasted three days.  I apologize to all of the people who I still run in to that say I look great when I then curse them in my head because I don't want to accept those compliments.  I apologize for not writing in this blog when I have so much to say.  I apologize to my stomach each morning when I put on pants that are getting dangerously close to not fitting while still vowing not to buy any bigger clothes.  I apologize to my knees that had been so happy for months and now ache ever so slightly because of the extra 40 pounds. 

And, I start over once again with complete faith that this is the turning point... seeing 240 scared the crap out of me. 

Happy Thanksgiving! (229.0)

There it is.  I start my Thanksgiving weekend at 229 with the goal of being that or lower by Monday morning.  Down 2.2 from yesterday and, once again, under 230.  I wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving!  Travel safe and don't eat too much!

Phase 4 Status: Day 11 - (2.2), Total - (5.0)

231.2

Second verse same as the first [stolen from Mindy Erickson].

Phase 4 Status: Day 10 - 0.4, Total - (2.8)

229.0/228.8/229.8/232.8/230.8

Just when I think I am back in a groove, I fall back off the wagon.  Worked until 2 AM late Thursday night and  then got up at 5:30 AM for a long day at work.  That long day kept me from the blog and myfitnesspal.com and all of a sudden a weekend had passed and I had done neither.  Combine that with celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday at Mi Ranchito's and a whole week of hard work was wasted in a blink of an eye.  The only good news is that I started Monday down 1 pound from last Monday!  Today is 2 pounds better than that.

Phase 4 Status: Day 9 - (2.0), Total - (3.2)

228.8

Not a great day.  But, I did manage to not go back over 230.  Down .4.

Phase 4 Status: Day 4 - (0.4), Total - (5.2)

229.2

Another good day.  Down 2.4 pounds.  And, HOPEFULLY, back under 230 for the last time!

Phase 4 Status: Day 3 - (2.4), Total - (4.8)

231.6

Okay.  Good start.  Down 2.2 pounds. Cautiously optimistic...

Phase 4 Status: Day 2 - (2.2), Total - (2.4)

The Latest Bet, Promises Not Met, Not Done Yet, Time For A Reset

The Latest Bet - When I returned from my business trip to Chicago in early October, my friend, Will, and I made a bet.  While there have been a lot of things that have motivated me since early in 2010, betting has always been the one constant motivator even before the advent of this blog.  I have always loved betting people or joining contests at work because my competitiveness seems to always outweigh my desire to eat.  Of course, Will knows that about me because Will is exactly the same way.  After a couple of months of taunting me by saying he wanted my LiveStrong shirt as soon as I outgrew it, he decided to try motivating me with a bet.  Of course, I obliged.  Not just because I love betting on myself, but because I really needed something to kick me in the butt and get me motivated. 

So, we bet that LiveStrong shirt... the same LiveStrong shirt that I had won in a bet last year.  I love that LiveStrong shirt.  Not only because I like the look and colors, but because of what it represents to me.  It is a symbol of this entire journey to being healthy.  I didn't want to lose that shirt.  But, I really believed that it wasn't even a possibility.  And, just so you know, I don't really believe that Will wanted that shirt even though he had sent me 10+ e-mails about it.  Will only wanted to motivate an old friend when nothing else seemed to be working. 

I really didn't want Will to have to buy me a shirt either.  So, I came up with a bet that I felt was a compromise.  I was 232.4 on October 5.  If I broke 210 by November 3, I would win a new LiveStrong shirt.  If I broke 215, the bet would be a draw.  And, if I didn't break 215, I would send him my precious shirt.  I didn't really think that I had much of a chance to lose 22.6 pounds in four weeks.  But, I really believed I would break 215.

Sadly, this bet didn't work.  I got around the 225 mark on a couple of occasions.  I didn't stay there.  I finished the bet at 228... nowhere near the goal I had set.  Am I disappointed I lost the shirt?  Sure.  But, I am more disappointed that I let down my friend and I let down myself. 

Promises Not Met - I have always been an optimist.  I have yet to waver in my belief that the last few months are a temporary setback and I will be back to where I was earlier in the year soon.  And because of all of this good intent, I continue to make promises.  Those promises have not been met.  Shortly after her surgery, I promised my daughter that I would get busy.  I didn't.  I promised the readers of this blog on countless occasions that I would start writing again.  I didn't.  I promised myself and my brother that I would start using myfitnesspal.com again.  I didn't.  I promised specifically that I would blog about the bet above on a couple of occasions.  I didn't.  I talked about how something felt different and I was back.  I wasn't.  I promised I would stay healthy in memory of my father.  I didn't.  I don't intend to lie.  I don't intend to fall short on my promises.  And, I hate myself when I don't live up to them... especially the one to Kelsea.  The only promise I have kept was a promise to myself that I would never buy new XL clothes, no matter how bad I looked in my current wardrobe... apologies to the people I work with. 

I promise to try harder.  lol...

Not Done Yet - If you've followed the blog, you know that one of my ultimate goals is to be in a before/after article in Men's Health.  I remember when I broke 200 thinking to myself that I now had to keep it off for a year.  I think MH prefers to include those individuals who have lost and maintained.  It would be embarassing to the magazine to publish the article and have someone heavy looking at their own picture in the magazine!  While I still remain healthier than I was at the beginning of 2010, I am not done yet!  Even when I was 198, I still wanted to change my body.  So, I will say it one more time... I am not done yet!

Time For A Reset - I don't want to be one of those people who lost a bunch of weight and then ended up gaining all or most of it back.  I am already heavier than I ever thought possible again.  I don't want to start 2012 and have regrets about 2011.  It isn't too late to end this year on a positive note.  On Sunday, I woke up at a new high of 234.  I am not going to dwell on it.  I am not going to be grumpy and sad.  I woke up today and decided it was time.  I reached out to my brother and promised at least three weeks of diligent myfitnesspal.com tracking. 

I reset my weight on myfitnesspal.com.  That ticker on this blog has been lying to all of you for months.  I hated changing it because I never wanted people congratulating me for losing pounds that I had gained back.  But, enough time has gone by.  I need that update.  I need to write everything down.  I need that to stop showing 115 pounds when that is no longer a reality.

I worked hard at the gym tonight despite not feeling like I did when running six months ago.  I went back to music instead of listening to podcasts... way more motivating and a story for another day. I promise.  I smiled on the treadmill and got that old familiar chill that I had last year.  I think I had forgotten what that felt like.

I don't care that it is the holiday season.  It is time for a reset.  It is time to blog my weight every day and add some additional thoughts a few nights a week.  This is all part of what worked for me before and I am not afraid to admit that I need all of this.  I may always need all of this.  So, promise me you will keep reading, even if this blog lives on for many more years.  Here's to my reset...

Phase 4 - Starting Weight: 234.0, Day 1 - (0.2), Total - (0.2)

230.6/233.6/231.2/234.0/233.8

Down .2 from my new starting weight of 234!  Woooo Hoooo!!!!!  lol.

229.0/227.0/229.4/230.6/229.6/229.8

This blog is on life support.  Time to revive it!

230.2/228.8/228.0

Just when I think I will never go back over 230, the Halloween potluck showed up and my appetite showed up with it.  I believe I consumed enough salt to kill a small horse.  Doing better since Monday.  But, I just can't seem to string together two straight weeks.  I imagine that now that my bet is finished (today), I will start taking off the weight!  Tonight, I promise, I will expand on the bet.

226.2/226.0/226.0/227.2

I seem to be stuck.  In fact, I looked at my average weight for the month of October and it was 227.7.  I have pretty much been within a couple pounds of that for most of the days.  Still exercising.  But, can't seem to focus in on my eating habits.  Blah, blah, blah...

227.0/225.0/224.8

Okay, it's one thing to not be able to find the time to post a nightly blog entry with substance.  But, now I have gotten so bad that I am not even providing daily weight updates.  I still need this blog way more than I thought and that needs to change. 

Back under 225.  Someone asked me if I had given up the other day.  The one positive thing throughout this is that I haven't.  I still plan to be around the 200 mark again by the  end of the year.  Upped the exercise last night and starting to eat a little better.  I just realized that this is the first time I have been under 225 since September 27.  So, that is encouraging... though somewhat depressing as well. 

227.6/228.2/227.8/227.8/227.2

I realize my blogs have been light over the last few days.  That is the only thing "light" about me over that time period.  Pretty uneventful weekend.  Started the above gain with a big jump after a night of wings and beer watching the World Series opener.  In fact, the 1.4 gain was good news after that particular night.  On Saturday, I went to the Colorado vs. Oregon football game with my son.  Once again, being the same weight on Sunday that I was on Saturday came as a big and welcome surprise.  In the end, I am somewhat amazed that I start the week lower than I ended last week.  And, once again, I start my Monday with renewed optimism that this is the week that I get this thing going again. 

226.2

Loser...

226.4

Needed that.  Down 3 pounds after a really good day.  I even plan on skipping a dinner with a vendor tonight to stay on track.  Need to get over this hump and be completely diligent.

228.6/230.4/...229.4

Still struggling to get through a weekend unscathed.  When I see these numbers, I honestly want to stop blogging because I hate typing them.  Not even a bet can help keep me motivated.  More on that later...

225.4

Down 1.2 pounds and 6.8 since getting back from Chicago!  I am now below the weight that I was before I left for Chicago... so, I can put that business trip behind me.  Feeling even more motivated after seeing myself in the reflection at the club last night.  Did I tell you how disturbing it was to see my man-boobs bouncing again when I was running?

226.6

Down .6 pounds.  The best news is that of the 8 days since I have been back from Chicago, my weight has gone down on 7 of them.  I won't get too cocky quite yet.  But, feeling better about myself... though the image in the reflection from the window tonight at the club was slightly upsetting.  But, I found the energy to get there and it felt good to run again.

227.2

Down 1.2 for the day and 5 pounds over the week since returning from Chicago.  Got a prescription from the doctor yesterday with the hopes of kicking this sinus infection and getting back in to the gym by tomorrow or Friday.  I need a good weekend to keep this momentum.  Between you and I, I would love to be close to 220 by next Monday. An agressive goal, but definitely possible.   

228.4

Down .8 pounds. Still wanting to have a 2 or 3 pound drop. But, with this sinus infection and not being able to find the energy to go to the club, I guess I will take it. These walks just don't seem to shed the pounds like running on the treadmill does.

229.2

Well, I blew it.  Even sick as a dog, I am unable to supress my appetite.  Whenever I am looking up symptoms on sites such as WebMD, many of them list "lack of appetite".  So, I can usually rule all of those out.  Or, I may not ever truly be able to diagnose my illness based on never having experiened a "lack of appetite"!

228.0

Down .4.  Nothing earth shattering.  But, at this point, I will take anything that is lower than the day before.

228.4

Down another pound and striving to actually lose weight over the weekend.  Down 3.8 since my gluttonous adventures in Chicago.

229.4

Back under 230 and down 1.8 pounds.  I beg you, Anthony, please never go back over 230 again the rest of your life!  Thanks.

231.2

At this weight, even a pound down no longer can brighten my spirits.  That 230-something is so depressing.

227.4/227.6/228.4.............. 232.2

As expected, I broke the 230 barrier after my four-day trip to Chicago.  Expecting the inevitable doesn't actually equate to accepting the inevitable.  I was still somewhat crushed to see that number even though I told myself I wasn't going to care and made no  attempt to even pretend to be good in the Windy City.

And,  I wasn't.  I ate all of my favorites and it was good.  And today, I wake up with renewed optimism that really has no grounds based  on my recent trending.  But, I really still do believe.

My biggest goal for this next month is to get back to a point where I am proud of my accomplishment again.  Right now, people still tell  me congrats and that I look great.  But, I no longer believe it or feel it.  Plus, I can't afford a new wardrobe...