244.8

Ho hum day.  Not much to say.

Day 25 - (0.4), Overall - (7.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.1)

245.2

I can't tell you how hard it is to post on here when I have had a bad day, or bad weekend in this case.  I want so badly to get through a weekend a little lighter and start a new week on a good note.  Even more so with my lack of recent success.  I think, more than anything, posting these posts just feel so redundant and boring.  "I suck", "curse the weekend", "back to it", blah blah blah, yada yada yada.

We had originally planned on going to Elitch Gardens (a Denver amusement park) on Saturday.  I thought with all of the walking, an hour or so in the wave pool, climbing some steps for some of the rides, and an average amusement park lunch, I would be down a little or pretty much equal heading in to Sunday.  But, after finding out the water park portion of the amusement park was closed as of Labor Day, we decided not to go.  So, with absolutely nothing planned other than letting Kelsea see Niko's new apartment, we did the next best thing... we looked for a good place to eat. 

Kelsea suggested Duffy's Cherry Cricket, a place I had been to years ago when consulting in Denver and a place recommended to her by some people she works with.  The Cherry Cricket is a bar near the Cherry Creek Mall hidden amongst a bunch of high-priced shopping.  Well, it used to be just a bar.  After being featured on a couple of food shows on television, including Man Vs. Food, business is booming and the restaurant expanded a couple of years ago and must seat at least three times the number of people than it did 15 years ago. 

The Cherry Cricket is known for their burgers with a ton of toppings to choose from, including the infamous peanut butter and egg combo.  I skipped that, though I did have the egg... and bacon, and cheese, and mayo, and french fries, and chips and salsa, and a good portion of Lori's burrito.  When I had previously frequented The Cherry Cricket 15 years ago, I got the same thing every time I went and loved it.  I was going to get the same thing again, a white chili chicken burrito.  But, I wanted to try the burgers as well.  So, when Lori ordered the burrito, I figured I could try both.  I didn't intend on eating mine and almost half of hers.

So, we spent the rest of the day shopping and trying to make that miserable feeling go away.  I was stuffed.  Right about the time I was feeling like a normal human being again, Lori and my son wanted to go to dinner.  So, we ended up at the place I thought we would go originally, Red Robin, a family favorite.  Now, before you thing this story takes an even more tragic turn, let me just say that I didn't eat.  Well, very little.  I picked at a few fries, took a small bite of my wife's burger and my son's wrap, and had a couple of spoons of my daughter's shake.  That was enough to make me feel slightly gross again.  But, all in all given the circumstance, a minor dalliance with willpower.

Despite my late night restraint, it wasn't enough to keep me from gaining 3.2 pounds on Sunday.  Yesterday wasn't a whole lot better.  Played in a scramble golf tourney and ate and drank.  Ate some more last night.  The only good thing was the 18 holes of golf. 

I somehow managed to get 2.2 back this morning, leaving me 1.8 higher than I started the weekend.  I hate this sense of relief mixed in with my anger.  I should just be mad at myself.  I hate that my son moved to Denver.  As soon as I pass Castle Rock on the way to Denver, all I can think about is what I want to eat.  It's a good thing I don't live in a big city.  And, it's a good thing that I decided I am never visiting my son again.

That puts me way behind pace...

Day 24 - (2.0), Overall - (7.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (3.1)

243.4

First, the bad news.  I am actually 1 pound heavier than I was last Friday. That's not good.

Now, for some good news.  I am down 1.4 from yesterday... the first decent drop in days.  And, I am back on pace.  Exactly on pace to be more specific.  My three week goal was 243.4.  After starting so well, it seems somewhat bittersweet.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I am where I wanted to be and will take some solace in that.

Day 21 - (1.4), Overall - (9.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0

244.8

At this rate, I will be 300 pounds again soon.  But, I will be really strong! 

I went from two weeks ahead of pace to now being behind pace by almost a pound. 

Day 20 - +0.8, Overall - (7.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (0.9)

244.0... Again

Once again, a near perfect day is squandered by...  well, I don't exactly know why.  This has become somewhat disheartening and my initial goal of just getting under 240 again seems like it is permanently on hold.  I did this once before and was pretty confident about my formula.  The only thing that has changed is that I am now lifting weights daily.  In fact, I haven't lifted this hard since I was a teenager.  But, I still have a hard time believing that this is the reason I have flatlined on this phase of my journey. 

Yesterday, I ate well, lifted weights at lunch, bowled for two and a half hours, and still made it to the club for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I didn't even eat or drink anything at the bowling alley!  What would normally be a 2 pound loss resulted in absolutely NO CHANGE! 

The only other possibility besides gaining muscle weight is the possibility that I am not getting enough calories.  The only way to fix that issue is to begin to eat less healthy foods.  I say this because I honestly could not eat much more food.  I eat plenty of food and am always full.  Yet, because of my choices, I am having a hard time getting my calories up.  The solution of changing the foods to higher caloric foods just doesn't feel like the answer.  But, if things don't turn over the next week, it is my only option.

Day 19 - no change, Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0.3

245.0 Yesterday, 244.0 Today

Well, I got 2 of the pounds back over the last couple of days and that puts me back slightly ahead of pace.  Still 1.6 behind where I was on Friday with a pretty ugly weekend.

Day 18 - (1.0), Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 0.7

242.6 Yesterday, 246.0 Today

I followed up a perfect day that saw me STILL gain .2 pounds with an absolutely dreadful day that included CiCi's pizza buffet, a lot of cashews, and some chocolate-covered pomegranate to complete the fat trifecta.  That combination resulted in more than 4,000 calories, or more than I had consumed total for the three previous days!  And, I paid for it dearly with a 3.4 pound gain this morning.  That also puts me behind pace.

Day 16 - 3.4, Overall - (6.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 26.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - (0.4)

242.4

With my .8 pound drop from yesterday, that puts me at 10.2 over the first two weeks.  I like that I am 10+ pounds down.  But I am disappointed that week 2 was only a pound.  Given the three "episodes" (as I will now call them) that I had, I guess I should take the pound and shut up.  I still find myself 2.2 pounds from my internal goal of 240 that I wanted for today.  The good news is that I am already a pound in front of next Friday's original goal and 2 pounds from the following week's goal.  Even better than that, despite what the scale shows, I have had three near-perfect days and I feel better already and my clothes are starting to fit better again.

Day 14 - (0.8), Overall - (10.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 22.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.1

243.2

That's a little better.  Down 1.8 after another near-perfect day.  Would have been even happier had that not followed a 1 pound gain yesterday.  I won't get to 240 by tomorrow as I had hoped.  So, I will hope for something around 242 and still be thrilled!  Today's weight is my lowest since May 26 and puts me 3.7 ahead of my pace.

Day 13 - (1.8), Overall - (9.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.7

245.0... WTF?!!!!!!

Over the last two and a half years, I have had plenty of surprises.  Days, like Monday, where I thought I would be up a pound or two and am only up .4.  Days where I feel like I have done pretty good and find myself exactly the same as the day before.  But, NEVER have I been as disappointed as I was this morning.  I had a perfect day yesterday.  My calories were low (possibly too low?), I lifted weights at lunch, rode my bike to the gym and back and around the neighborhood (25 minutes), and walked on the treadmill for 45 minutes.  I fully expected to not only lose weight, but to have one of those 2-3 pounds losses that would put me back on track to being 240 by Friday. Well, that hope was dashed this morning after gaining a pound.

Now, before you send me comments saying "don't give up", "maybe you put on muscle", "you need more calories", let me assure you that: 1) I will not give up and still feel good about what I am doing; 2) I have not gained any muscle yet and this theory is over-rated and over-used; and 3) I will be careful about my calories and up it a little bit.  Regarding that last sentence, I don't believe that the body goes in to starvation mode that quickly. 

I will just chalk it up to one of those days.  The weird thing is how well I can predict where I am going to be and how far off base I was this time.

Day 12 - 1.0, Overall - (7.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 25.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 2.4

244.0

Down .2 from yesterday after eating a not-so-good lunch.  That means I have failed to eat well for the third time in four days.  Not good.  Today I will make amends before I lose any momentum.  I wanted to be under 240 by this Friday.  I now have left myself with only three days.

Day 11 - (0.2), Overall - (8.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.8

244.2

Alright, so I start the new week .8 pounds up from Friday's weight.  Not the weekend I had hoped for.  But, not quite as damaging as weekends have been lately.  I have said this before, it's all about expectations.  After a great first half of the day, I had a horrible night.  I won't go in to details.  But, suffice it to say, I thought I was going to gain at least a couple of pounds and was dreading going back over 245.  I couldnt' believe the scale when I saw I had only gone up .4.  That was incredible news.  Message to the weight gods - I will reward you this week with hard work for being so kind to me this morning.

Day 10 - 0.4, Overall - (8.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.0

243.8

Down .4 after an okay day.  Need to lose .6 by tomorrow so that I start my week lower than I ended the previous week.  If I can get through the weekends lower or close to my weight going in to the weekends, that will be a good omen.

Day 9 - (0.4), Overall - (8.8), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.0, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.9

244.2

My punishment for free food was .8 pounds.  I guess it could have been worse.  Moving on...

Day 8 - 0.8, Overall - (8.4), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.4, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.9

Stupid VIP Passes

One of the perks I left behind when I left Loaf 'N Jug was Colorado State Fair tickets.  It's not that I don't want to pay for the day or two when we might go the Fair and actually spend the day there.  It's just that Lori and I had gotten out of the habit of actually spending a whole day wondering around the Fair.  Instead, and because we had an admission pass for the entire length of the Fair, we would go over on a lot of nights for shorter periods of time.  Mostly, we just went for walks and did a lot of people watching.  We would walk for a couple of hours, catch up with friends we ran in to, watch the young kids in the Midway macking on one another, and laugh at all of the strange foods, stores, shows, and mostly the people.  But, I don't want to pay full price just to take walks.

It was also nice to get to see some of the shows that have come through the Fairgrounds.  I have enjoyed going back in time with Loverboy, Foreigner, and REO Speedwagon and getting a chance to see some of my new faves like Chris Daughtry.  The only thing that helped me not miss having a chance for concert tickets this year was the fact that I really didn't have a lot of interest in any of the shows this year.

So, I realized that my recent tradition of finding myself at the Fair on the opening night was coming to an end.  I got home from work tonight and checked Facebook quickly before heading to the club.  And, there it was.  A local restaurant, Feelin' A Little Philly Cheesesteaks, posted that they had two tickets to the Chris Young concert if anyone wanted them.  I asked Kelsea if she wanted to go.  Not because I love Chris Young.  I honestly don't know a single Chris Young song and only recently even heard the name.  But, I wanted to go to the Fair, I thought it would be nice to hang with my daughter, and I thought it would fun to see a rodeo.  Yes, I have never been to a rodeo... we are not all cowboys in Colorado. So, we picked up the tickets.  Thank you Feelin' A LIttle Philly Cheesesteaks for the generous offer (and I do frequent your restaurant... even have a punchcard!) and apologies to those two females out there who were dying to see Chris Young only to find out two people who just wanted something to do had already taken them.

The point of this long story?  Well, when we got the tickets, she said they were also VIP tickets and got us in to the VIP tent... with free food.  Yes, my nemesis, free food.  I had already had some tomatoes and mozzarella for dinner and was feeling pretty good.  But, it was free food.  So, I went through the line and got a little bit of everything.  In the end, I skipped over a lot of it and probably ate half my plate.  But, there was also chips and salsa on the table... my other nemesis.  I ate plenty of that.  And, as I took my last bite and drank my last drink of the beer I also had, the regret started sinking in.

So, I have shown some resolve at a couple of lunches and at an engagement party.  But, not so much tonight. Shame on me. The one thing I have never fixed even when I was losing weight was wanting to take advantage of free food.  That is embarassing to write.  But, maybe if I keep embarassing myself and admitting this, I will one day be able to break myself of this habit. 

After spending some time catching up with friends, including all of my favorite LNJ people, Kelsea and I walked briskly around the Fair for about 45 minutes.  I heard a couple of Chris Young songs and all I can say is that I am glad the girls find him cute, because that is just not the type of country I like (again, sorry to those two girls).  I got home and decided to make one last ditch effort to keep my streak of not gaining weight alive.  So, I went for a 25 minute bike ride.  I don't feel great.  I don't feel horrible.  But, I anxiously await tomorrow's news.

Here's to skipping the food at the VIP tent next time... scratch that, here's to skipping the entire concert and going to the club with my daughter instead and spending quality time there... and letting those two girls enjoy those tickets a little more than we would...

243.4... 9.2 Down After One Week!

Down 1.0 pound since yesterday and 9.2 down from last Friday!  The best part of yesterday was surviving another restaurant without gaining weight.  I chose Chipotle for my belated birthday lunch and got a chicken bowl.  Not as low as my typical work lunches.  But, not too bad.  And, it was excellent.

The best part of the day was last night when I mowed the lawn for 20 minutes, rode my bike for 30 minutes, and walked on the treadmill for 45.  That puts me 6.6 pounds ahead of pace after one week.  Even crazier is that I am already at the pace I established for myself two weeks from now!  This is the lowest I have been since May 26!

Day 7 - (1.0), Overall - (9.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 23.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 6.1

244.4

 Back under 245!  Down 1.4 from yesterday.  As I said in my post last night, the last time I was under 245 was June 26, or 58 days ago.  Still hard to believe.  My next barrier, 240, was even longer ago.  The good news is that the jump from 240 to 245 took a lot longer than many of the previous jumps.  That last happened on February 29!  So, I have been 240+ for six months.  That's depressing.

Now, I work on figuring out a place to go eat with my friends for my belated birthday lunch without gaining weight tomorrow.  Hmmmmm...

Day 6 - (1.6), Overall - (8.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 24.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 5.6

Sneaky Little Weight

I spent some time today looking back over the last year.  I was mostly looking at the last time I was under 245, then 240, then 235, etc.  I was writing down the dates so that I knew them when I broke those barriers and I could write that on this blog.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have been upset with myself for how I have fluctuated between 240-250 pounds.  Well, weight gain can be a sneaky little thing.  I looked to see when I last was under 245, since I am approaching that mini-barrier this week.  I was stunned to see that it was June 26!  Almost two months ago!  So, I wasn't hovering between 240-250.  I was actually hovering between 245-255.

I think it would be easier to make change if you saw that weight in large chunks.  If you went from 235 to 250 over night or over a week, you might take notice and make immediate changes. But, what happens, or at least for me over the last year, is that you slowly creep up.  I crept in to the 220s in September of last year.  I made the jump to the 240s late in 2011.  You get the picture.  I kept thinking that I was a little higher than the month before.  Which was true... for 11 consecutive months.  It's harder to make changes when you only see a few extra pounds in a month.  Weight should be more obvious.

I am on to weight's dirty little tricks.  Here's to outfoxing the weight... oh, and getting under 245 for the first time in almost two months...

246.0

Great day yesterday.  I ate like I was eating two years ago, low calories, low fat, high protein, high fiber.  I lifted weights at lunch for the first time in forever.  I did 40 minutes on the treadmill when I had been doing 30-35.  And then, I made the best choice of the day when I went to join Lori at Walmart to do some shopping.  Rather than drive, rather than walk (as I have been doing the last couple of times), I was running late so I decided to run as much as I could.  I ran between 50-60% of the way.  And, while it felt a little rough on the knees and lungs, it was the most euphoric feeling I have had in well over six months.  My reward this morning was another 1.6 pound drop.  Five days in, five days down, and 4.4 ahead of the pace I set for myself.  My new goal for the end of August is to get back under 240.

Day 5 - (1.6), Overall - (6.6), Pounds To Break 220 - 26.2, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 4.4

247.6

Down .8 pounds, or 5 pounds in 4 days!  I know I have thought this before, but I do feel like the switch has gone off again and I am back on track.  Ahead of my Friday goal by 1.9 pounds and 1.1 pounds shy of the following Friday's goal.

Day 4 - (0.8), Overall - (5.0), Pounds To Break 220 - 27.8, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 3.3

248.4

Down another pound.  More importantly, down 4.2 over a weekend.  Weekends are always difficult and, the way I have been lately, I would be happy to stay even throughout an entire weekend.  So, to lose 4+ is a great start.  Now, I have the week to continue the momentum with only one belated birthday lunch to test my mettle.

I realized this morning that I need a goal.  I like having weeky numbers that mean something.  And, as I always do, I think I will make it agressive but attainable.  So, the goal is under 220 by the end of October.  My goal when I started this was under 200.  And, I got there.  Not saying that I won't want to be there again.  But, right now I would be comfortable if I could settle in at 215.  So, that is 32.8 pounds in 75 days, or .44 per day.  Ahead of pace so far!

Day 3 - (1.0), Overall - (4.2), Pounds To Break 220 - 29.6, Ahead/(Behind) Pace - 2.9

249.4

Despite a few drinks with friends, I was still down 2.6 pounds!  Lots of work in the yard, a trip to the club, and good eating made up for my slight indulgence last night.  Under 250 again.  I hope to never see that number again. 

For the second time in two days, I made some decent food choices at an event/restaurant.  Went to an engagement party and ignored all of the sweets, pasta, soda and had a couple of meatballs, some salad and water.  Again, that is my biggest weakness and is a good sign that my head is on right again.

Day 2 - (2.6), Overall - (3.2)

Old Friends

Mixed results today.  I ate pretty good all day.  Then I went to an engagement party for a friend from Loaf 'N Jug.  The problem is that there were several old friends from Loaf 'N Jug.  That ended up being several drinks with old friends from Loaf 'N Jug.  So, the day didn't end like it started.  Maybe I should have had those chicken wings with my son.  But, I had a great time and it was fun laughing with all of them.

Tomorrow will be interesting.  Here's to old Loaf 'N Jug friends...

252.0

Down .6.  Not a great start.  But, the positives are the choices I made at lunch yesterday after struggling with restaurant choices.  Water instead of soda.  Salad instead of french fries.  Turkey sandwich instead of a bacon cheeseburger.  Wanted to skip the club and still made myself go.  Today, Niko asked if we could cook chicken wings.  That sounded really good. But, I said no.  So, now everyone around me suffers... lol. 

It's a start.  The weight will come.  It always does.  Changing my mentality is the real battle.  Yesterday was a start.

Day 1 - (0.6), Overall - (0.6)

Embarassing

Yes, the last year has been embarassing.  It stuns me to think that I have gained almost 55 pounds since my low of 198.  I guess the good news is that I am still 60+ lower than my all-time high.  But, it is still embarassing. 

I'm not embarassed that I am now over 250 pounds.  I am embarassed because I said it wouldn't happen to me.  I said I couldn't believe someone could lose all that weight and then let themselves go again.  I am embarassed when someone still tells me I look good and I know how fat I feel in my mind.  I am embarassed of my round face that has come back. 

I was proud, and rightfully so.  But, despite it not being the main reason for blogging, it is hard to deny that there isn't a certain element of bragging that comes with posting all of your successes.  My main reason was accountibility. But, I liked seeing the weight loss posted on Facebook.  I liked posting my numbers on this blog.  All the evidence you need to know that there is an element of bragging in this blog is the lack of blogging during those times when I wasn't as successful.  I used the excuse of being too busy.  But, I was equally as busy when I was blogging twice a day. 

The flip side of having the veiled opportunity to brag a little bit is the bit of crow I find myself eating now that I have failed over the last year.  And, I do consider it a failure.  You can sugar coat it all you want.  But, I succeeded with hard work and discipline.  And, I failed because I was lazy and lacked even a little bit of willpower. 

But, I am back and plan to write about my continued journey, whether I am successful or continue to struggle.  Thanks again for always reading.  Here's to sucking it up and taking the bad with the good...

252.6

Alright, there it is.  I need this blog.  I need myfitnesspal.com.  I thought I could do this without the logging.  But, I was wrong.  I didn't stop writing in the blog for the same reason, just got lazy and it stopped being important.  Well, no longer. 

As you can see by my weight, I am still struggling.  That is not my recent high.  My recent high was 254.  That is, however, up from yesterday.  I had hoped to get to a decent number by my birthday.  Instead, I ate like a pig on my birthday and gained 1.8 pounds.

The lone positive thing I can say about myself is that I remain optimistic.  Last night I went birthday shopping and bought a pair of shorts that I love... in the wrong size.  So, for now, I can't even wear my new shorts along with other things I have bought over the last six months. But, I will... I will.

New Starting Weight, 252.6

Down 20 Pounds! My New Inspiration

Okay, before you get too excited for me, I am not talking about myself.  After six weeks, my daughter Kelsea is down 20 pounds!  And, I actually find myself jealous of her will power.  I am so incredibly proud of her determination and hope that she motivates me to get busy again.  I thought my 25th anniversary would motivate me.  I thought a weight-loss contest at work would motivate me.  But, none of those things worked.  Let's hope Kelsea can.

This morning, Kelsea put on a shirt that Lori and I had bought her in Las Vegas earlier in the year.  That shirt never fit her... until today.  She was beaming that she could now wear her Beatles shirt and I was thrilled. 

Let's not confuse any pride I have in my daughter as being some Shallow Hal-like thought of wanting my daughter to be thinner.  I love my daughter... immensely.  I would love her at 300 pounds, love her now at the weight she is at, and will love her going forward when there is less of her to love.  I am proud that she is fighting this battle.  Those who struggle with their weight understand what I am talking about.  I am proud that she has changed the way she eats and rarely gives in to temptation.  I am proud that she has started to exercise regularly. I am proud because she has some personal goals in front of her and she looks like she is going to accomplish them.

Throughout Kelsea's health struggles over the last couple of years, I have watched it effect her weight and her confidence.  She had some weight to lose before this, but these struggles and the drugs, like steroids, made everything harder for her.  She started to lose confidence and it seemed like she was accepting a fate of not being healthy.  For me, my only sadness when I looked at her was knowing that she didn't understand how beautiful she was.  That she didn't understand how much people cared about her because of her incredible personality, sense of humor, and great soul.  I wanted her to get healthy so that she believed again that she was a beautiful person.  I wanted her to get healthy so that all of these troubling health issues weren't as prone to keep continuing.  I wanted her to take on each day with a renewed confidence.  And, having gone through this and having been somewhat successful, I knew what changing the exterior to match the interior meant. 

I hope that Kelsea continues to be successful.  I hope that she is able to do what she wants to do in the upcoming year... something that requires her to be fit.  I hope she meets her goals.  I mostly hope that she finds a place where she can smile each day, be happy and confident, and have a shell that matches all of the awesomeness that she holds inside.  Kelsea - You are a BEAUTIFUL KIND CARING FUNNY LOVING person.  And, I will love you whether you meet this goal or not.  Just know that I am proud of your effort.

By the way, I weighed 245.4 this morning.  Not great.  Not my worst.  In my hiatus, I got as high as 253.6... which actually makes my current weight sound not too bad.  It's all about perspective!  Hopefully, it won't take me 3 months to write my next entry.

247.8

Mi Ranchito's... 'nuff said.

Last Chance Phase, Day 23 - 3.4, Overall - 0.0, Pounds From Goal - 40.0, Days Remaining-47, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (9.2)

244.4

Down 1.8 pounds.  I only need 4 more days just like that to get myself back on pace. 

Last Chance Phase, Day 22 - (1.8), Overall - (3.4), Pounds From Goal - 36.6, Days Remaining-48, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (5.4)

246.2

Up .2 pounds... with no weekend as an excuse.

Last Chance Phase, Day 21 - 0.2, Overall - (1.6), Pounds From Goal - 38.4, Days Remaining-49, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (6.8)

244.8/246.0

If there were any other words to describe "disappointment" or "self-loathing", I would use them.  Unfortunately, I think I have used them all up.  Time to get out the thesaurus...

Last Chance Phase, Day 20 - 1.2, Overall - (1.8), Pounds From Goal - 38.2, Days Remaining-50, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (6.2)

243.6

After meeting friends for lunch at a "restaurant", I am happy about the .6 drop this morning.  Always a good feeling to eat out and still not gain.  It would help me mentally if I could not gain any weight over the weekend.  Maybe I could even start a new week under 240!

Last Chance Phase, Day 18 - (0.6), Overall - (4.2), Pounds From Goal - 35.8, Days Remaining-52, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.0)

244.2

Down .8 and at my lowest weight since March 23.  Come on Anthony, you can do this...

Last Chance Phase, Day 17 - (0.8), Overall - (3.6), Pounds From Goal - 36.4, Days Remaining-53, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.2)

246.0/246.0/248.2/249.2/248.2/247.8/245.0

From Friday
Up .8 pounds as I continue to struggle to find any momentum.  Once again, found myself at a restaurant eating too much food after being perfect throughout the day.  The worst part about this story is that it was a restaurant that I have never even liked.  Contrary to local opinion, I am not a fan of The Do Drop Inn and their pizza.  Too thick, too sweet, too slow, too bland for me.  So, when my mom mentioned that her and the girls were thinking of going there last night, I didn't balk at the suggestion.  In fact, I was trying not to eat too much for dinner and thought that going to a place I didn't like would be perfect.  Despite my plan, the pizza seemed a little better than normal and I still ended up eating too much food.  I went from only planning to eat a little salad to having a couple of slices of pizza... and a little sald.

From Today
My brother asked me in a text yesterday whether I had cracked the 250 barrier.  Well, not quite, but I flirted with it.  Once again, I had another crappy weekend and ended up gaining another 3.2 pounds by Monday morning and saw the scale say 249.2 for the second time in the last three weeks. That seemed to motivate me slightly and this has been a decent week.  This morning was a 2.8 pound loss from yesterday and I found myself down 4.2 since Monday.  I need a good weekend because I really feel that breaking the 240 barrier again will help.

 Last Chance Phase, Day 16 - (2.8), Overall - (2.8), Pounds From Goal - 37.2, Days Remaining-54, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (3.6)

245.2

A little better day, down 1.6 pounds.

Last Chance Phase, Day  9 - (1.6), Overall - (2.6), Pounds From Goal - 37.4, Days Remaining-61, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.0)

246.8

I continue to disappoint myself on a daily basis.  It really comes down to one thing... being better when I eat out.  I am exercising most nights.  I am eating good at work and when I am home.  My only downfall is that I can't seem to show the same discipline when I eat out that I demonstrated when I was doing so well.  Over the last 8 days, I have had Ianne's pizza, Popeye's Chicken, Shorty's, Nacho's (twice), The Sunset Inn, and leftover Olive Garden.  Come on man!

Last Chance Phase, Day  8 - 0.8, Overall - (1.0), Pounds From Goal - 39.0, Days Remaining-62, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (2.2)

246.0

Down .6 pounds.  After skipping the gym, I will take it.

Last Chance Phase, Day  7 - (0.6), Overall - (1.8), Pounds From Goal - 38.2, Days Remaining-63, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.0)

244.4/246.2/246.6

Disappointing weekend that included a slopper at The Sunset... combined with fries... and a few more fries from Rita's plate... and a few more fries and a little more slopper from my mom's plate... and a little more green chile from Lori's plate... oh, and a side of green chile which I usually need but didn't this time... and the tortilla that came with that side of chile.  : (

The only good thing about the weekend is that I actually said no to the popcorn I was craving so badly at the movie theatre on Saturday night.  I guess it could have been worse.

Last Chance Phase, Day  6 - 0.4, Overall - (1.2), Pounds From Goal - 38.8, Days Remaining-64, Ahead (Behind) Pace - (1.2)

243.0

Down .6 pounds and down for the third straight day.  I am currently ahead of my .4 per day pace by 3.6 with a total of 4.8 through three days.  Today will be a challenge with a lunch with friends and pizza dinner with my mom and family.

Last Chance Phase, Day  3 - (0.6), Overall - (4.8), Pounds From Goal - 35.2, Days Remaining-67, Ahead (Behind) Pace - 3.6

243.6

Two days in and two days down!  Down another 1.0 this morning.

Last Chance Phase, Day  2 - (1.0), Overall - (4.2), Pounds From Goal - 35.8, Days Remaining-68

244.6

Great start to this comeback phase of my journey.  Down 3.2 pounds after a really good day of eating and exercise.  36.8 more to go over the next 69 days!

Last Chance Phase, Day  1-(3.2), Overall-(3.2), Pounds From Goal-36.8, Days Remaining-69

I'm Back!

As much as it has seemed that way over the last couple of months, this blog is not yet dead.  Unfortunately, I don't have any good news to share with you.  I have continued my roller coaster ride as I slowly climb upwards in weight.  I realize now that I am not strong enough to do this without this blog.  Without an exercise streak.  Without weekly goals.  Without sharing the numbers with you.

Way back in December, I stopped posting my weight.  I was too embarassed by what I saw on the morning of December 26 and decided to just post the changes.  What a sissy!  Without typing those numbers, without feeling embarassed, without sharing, this blog was useless.  I weight 246.0 that day, which at the time was my highest weight since June 25, 2010.  I hovered between that weight and 238.2 over the next six weeks.  I even had a four day streak where I lost weight every day, a first in a very long time.

But, right after that streak, Lori and I went to Las Vegas.  I didn't show the same control I had the last time we went to Las Vegas.  We eveb went to a buffet.  But, until the last day, I felt like I had walked enough to offset any of the bad food and drink.  That was before we made our way to The Carengi Deli and ate the Woody Allen... a giant pastrami and corned beef sandwich!  When I finished with my half, I couldn't have been too far from the meat sweats!  That sandwich sat in my stomach like a lump and returned to Pueblo with me.  My weight upon our return was 5.4 pounds higher than when I left and just under my high mentioned above.

Nothing changed, and on February 6, I saw another new high of 247.6 and was stunned.  That seemed to wake me up.  Combined with a recognition award from Kroger (of which I will talk more about later), it seemed to be what I needed and over the next couple of weeks, I lost 11.2 pounds.  I also lost weigh for 10 straight days and was feeling good about my choices.

Sadly, that wasn't it and I started gaining slowly once again.  I left for a business trip and subsequent trip to San Diego to move my son at 244.6.  Nothing changed on either of those trips and I found myself almost breaking the 250 mark at 249.2.  And, it showed.  And, I could feel it.  I was down to 243.8 by Saturday.

This morning, I was saddened when I saw 247.8.  Not my high, but extremely close and the second highest number I have seen in almost two years!  I told myself no more... but, I don't have near the confidence I had a few months ago.  What I do have is you.  What I do have is this blog.  What I do have is that sickening feeling I felt when I saw my brother last week and was embarassed by how I look.  What I do have is a limited wardrobe as I stubbornly refuse to buy new clothes.

I think this is my last chance to turn this around before I let myself go back to the way I was.  I don't want to be that person again.  I don't want to hate myself again.  I am dangerously close.  My goal is to lose 40 pounds over the next 10 weeks.  Here's to one more chance...

Last Chance, Starting Weight - 247.8
 

Down 3.0 Pounds

I was up 2.0 pounds on Saturday.  I followed that up with losses of .6, .2, and 3.0 over the last three days.  That puts me at 8.6 pounds lower than my high and at my lowest since December 11, or almost a month!  Still haven't made the drastic changes to get me completely on track.  But, I am happy with the subtle changes and the slow movement in the downward direction.

Up 1.4 Pounds

Not happy about it... but, I am still posting it.

Down 3.0 Pounds

Okay, so I have noticed I have developed  a rather annoying little habit.  I definitely seem to post more when I am losing weight.  For some reason, I just "seem" so much busier whenever I have gained weight and just can't find the time.  Of course, it's not like this is some great discovery about human nature.  The problem is that it is not good for accountibility.  The purpose of the blog was to write about those bad days so that they weren't repeated.

My New Year's Pary was a little worse than expected, as you can see by the numbers below.  A little more food and drink than I had planned... curse you Matt!  But, while I am not where I wanted to be today, I am still in a much better place than 11 days ago, having lost 8.2 pounds in that period.  Here are the January fluctuations...

January 1 - Up 3.4
January 2 - Down .8
January 3 - Up 1.2
January 4 - Down 1.2
January 5 - Down 3.0

Down 2.0 Pounds

Nice.  Down 7.8 pounds since Monday.  Now I only need to minimize the damage from the party I am going to tonight.  I am good if I gain a little weight.  I am just trying to avoid one of those 5 or 6 pound nightmares.  If I can get through tonight relatively unscathed, then I might have a chance at a 10 pound week.

Down 2.8 Pounds

I made up for missing the club on Wednesday night by going last night and again this morning.  Nice start to my Friday.  Down 5.8 pounds since Monday morning.  If I can get through the New Year's Eve party relatively unscathed, maybe I can start gaining a little momentum.

Up 2.0 Pounds

That's what happens when I skip exercising.  I want so badly to string together a week's worth of days where my weight decreases on every one.

Down 2.6 Pounds

I would  love nothing more than to string together about 10 straight days of going down in weight.  Down 5 pounds in the two days post-Christmas.  I started back on myfitnesspal.com yesterday morning and then forgot about it the rest of the day.  Will try again today.  Really need to make that a habit again because it really does help.  So, since I am talking about...

Down 2.4 Pounds

Wow!  Has it really been two weeks since I last posted.  I imagine you can guess that those two weeks haven't been that good based on my lack of posts.  I do have a tendency to write more when I am feeling better. 

So, today's drop may look good on the surface.  But, I must confess that it comes a day after seeing a new high and is not as exciting as it sounds.  I am still not telling you that new high... yet.  Since the highest weight I have posted on this blog over the last month was 240.6, I can tell you that it was higher than that.  Since I have said I have posted two new highs since then, you can assume I was at least 241.0 yesterday.  And, you would be on the low end.

Well, only one more holiday left to use as an excuse.  After next Sunday, I will no longer have an excuse for my bad behaviour.  What will I blame this on then? 

Down .2

Not good.  But, still lower.  Down 6.2 in 3 days.  Starting back on myfitnesspal.com this morning.

Down 2 Pounds!

Still not telling.  Down another 2 pounds (yes, an even 2 after an even 4).  Down 6 pounds in two days.  That's a good thing.  I can actually breathe again when I put on my pants...

Down 4 Pounds!

So, again, I am not telling you my weight.  I do plan on sharing my weight again...If I can actually string together any kind of success.  Today was a good morning after the horror of yesterday morning.  Despite that, I am done talking about "phases".  Done talking about "momentum".  Done talking about "getting back on track".  Done pretending that what I saw yesterday has "scared me straight".  We will know what kind of impact yesterday had on me in a couple of weeks.  We will see what that number is after all of the holiday parties, Christmas meal, and New Year's celebration.  We shall see...

I'm Not Telling!

Kind of like that kid who is losing and decides to take their ball home.  I did weigh this morning.  But, I am not sharing that weight with you because my fingers can not physically type that number.  Suffice it to say that it is a new high.  After a good-bye lunch with my Mom at a Chinese buffet followed by a steak dinner last night, I knew it was going to be painful.  I may type it another day if I end up putting this behind me.  But, for now, I am not sharing.

Oh, by the way, before this morning, the weekend was just okay.  Since Friday's weight of 237.8, I went 237.6, 237.2, and 237.6. 

Down 2.8 Pounds!

So, that's the good news!  After celebrating my son's graduation from college at Texas Roadhouse on Wednesday night and subsequently seeing a number yesterday that made me want to break down in tears, I came in to the office and disposed of all of the salty snacks, candy and junk food in my desk drawers.  I avoided the popcorn.  I skipped the soda.  And, the result above was my immediate reward.

So, where have I been, you ask?  Well, when I was young I was always taught that if you had nothing nice to say about someone then don't say anything at all.  Well, since my post on Thanksgiving morning, I have had absolutely nothing positive to say about Anthony Marinucci.  In fact, most of what I wanted to say about myself would be inappropriate for a family-friendly blog.  The phrase "spiralling out of control" hardly does it any justice.  Here are the numbers...

My last post (Thanksgiving morning) - 229.0
11/25 - N/A, after pigging out on Thanksgiving, I actually couldn't bear to step on the scale!
11/26 - 233.2
11/27 - 233.4
11/28 - 236.0
11/29 - 235.0
11/30 - 236.2
12/1 - 235.8
12/2 - 235.0
12/3 - 234.2
12/4 - 235.0
12/5 - 237.2
12/6 - 236.8
12/7 - 237.8
12/8 - 240.6
Today - 237.8

Over that time frame, I continued to set new highs that I never thought I would see again.  And, each time, I would think to myself, "no more".  So, instead of being close to 220 where I hoped to be, I gained 11.6 pounds.  I need an intervention...

I found myself watching The Biggest Loser and being skeptical when the contestants were looking back at where they had started and each of them said they would "never" go back to that again.  Like a jerk, I assumed my lack of willpower was shared by all of these contestants.  As if none of them would have the strength to stay at a lower weight just because I have failed. 

So, once again, I apologize to a long list.  I apologize to those who care about me who get to read how ugly this journey has turned and not be able to do anything about it.  I apologize to my brother who I made a promise to that I would use myfitnesspal.com... a promise that lasted three days.  I apologize to all of the people who I still run in to that say I look great when I then curse them in my head because I don't want to accept those compliments.  I apologize for not writing in this blog when I have so much to say.  I apologize to my stomach each morning when I put on pants that are getting dangerously close to not fitting while still vowing not to buy any bigger clothes.  I apologize to my knees that had been so happy for months and now ache ever so slightly because of the extra 40 pounds. 

And, I start over once again with complete faith that this is the turning point... seeing 240 scared the crap out of me. 

Happy Thanksgiving! (229.0)

There it is.  I start my Thanksgiving weekend at 229 with the goal of being that or lower by Monday morning.  Down 2.2 from yesterday and, once again, under 230.  I wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving!  Travel safe and don't eat too much!

Phase 4 Status: Day 11 - (2.2), Total - (5.0)

231.2

Second verse same as the first [stolen from Mindy Erickson].

Phase 4 Status: Day 10 - 0.4, Total - (2.8)

229.0/228.8/229.8/232.8/230.8

Just when I think I am back in a groove, I fall back off the wagon.  Worked until 2 AM late Thursday night and  then got up at 5:30 AM for a long day at work.  That long day kept me from the blog and myfitnesspal.com and all of a sudden a weekend had passed and I had done neither.  Combine that with celebrating my daughter's 21st birthday at Mi Ranchito's and a whole week of hard work was wasted in a blink of an eye.  The only good news is that I started Monday down 1 pound from last Monday!  Today is 2 pounds better than that.

Phase 4 Status: Day 9 - (2.0), Total - (3.2)

228.8

Not a great day.  But, I did manage to not go back over 230.  Down .4.

Phase 4 Status: Day 4 - (0.4), Total - (5.2)

229.2

Another good day.  Down 2.4 pounds.  And, HOPEFULLY, back under 230 for the last time!

Phase 4 Status: Day 3 - (2.4), Total - (4.8)

231.6

Okay.  Good start.  Down 2.2 pounds. Cautiously optimistic...

Phase 4 Status: Day 2 - (2.2), Total - (2.4)

The Latest Bet, Promises Not Met, Not Done Yet, Time For A Reset

The Latest Bet - When I returned from my business trip to Chicago in early October, my friend, Will, and I made a bet.  While there have been a lot of things that have motivated me since early in 2010, betting has always been the one constant motivator even before the advent of this blog.  I have always loved betting people or joining contests at work because my competitiveness seems to always outweigh my desire to eat.  Of course, Will knows that about me because Will is exactly the same way.  After a couple of months of taunting me by saying he wanted my LiveStrong shirt as soon as I outgrew it, he decided to try motivating me with a bet.  Of course, I obliged.  Not just because I love betting on myself, but because I really needed something to kick me in the butt and get me motivated. 

So, we bet that LiveStrong shirt... the same LiveStrong shirt that I had won in a bet last year.  I love that LiveStrong shirt.  Not only because I like the look and colors, but because of what it represents to me.  It is a symbol of this entire journey to being healthy.  I didn't want to lose that shirt.  But, I really believed that it wasn't even a possibility.  And, just so you know, I don't really believe that Will wanted that shirt even though he had sent me 10+ e-mails about it.  Will only wanted to motivate an old friend when nothing else seemed to be working. 

I really didn't want Will to have to buy me a shirt either.  So, I came up with a bet that I felt was a compromise.  I was 232.4 on October 5.  If I broke 210 by November 3, I would win a new LiveStrong shirt.  If I broke 215, the bet would be a draw.  And, if I didn't break 215, I would send him my precious shirt.  I didn't really think that I had much of a chance to lose 22.6 pounds in four weeks.  But, I really believed I would break 215.

Sadly, this bet didn't work.  I got around the 225 mark on a couple of occasions.  I didn't stay there.  I finished the bet at 228... nowhere near the goal I had set.  Am I disappointed I lost the shirt?  Sure.  But, I am more disappointed that I let down my friend and I let down myself. 

Promises Not Met - I have always been an optimist.  I have yet to waver in my belief that the last few months are a temporary setback and I will be back to where I was earlier in the year soon.  And because of all of this good intent, I continue to make promises.  Those promises have not been met.  Shortly after her surgery, I promised my daughter that I would get busy.  I didn't.  I promised the readers of this blog on countless occasions that I would start writing again.  I didn't.  I promised myself and my brother that I would start using myfitnesspal.com again.  I didn't.  I promised specifically that I would blog about the bet above on a couple of occasions.  I didn't.  I talked about how something felt different and I was back.  I wasn't.  I promised I would stay healthy in memory of my father.  I didn't.  I don't intend to lie.  I don't intend to fall short on my promises.  And, I hate myself when I don't live up to them... especially the one to Kelsea.  The only promise I have kept was a promise to myself that I would never buy new XL clothes, no matter how bad I looked in my current wardrobe... apologies to the people I work with. 

I promise to try harder.  lol...

Not Done Yet - If you've followed the blog, you know that one of my ultimate goals is to be in a before/after article in Men's Health.  I remember when I broke 200 thinking to myself that I now had to keep it off for a year.  I think MH prefers to include those individuals who have lost and maintained.  It would be embarassing to the magazine to publish the article and have someone heavy looking at their own picture in the magazine!  While I still remain healthier than I was at the beginning of 2010, I am not done yet!  Even when I was 198, I still wanted to change my body.  So, I will say it one more time... I am not done yet!

Time For A Reset - I don't want to be one of those people who lost a bunch of weight and then ended up gaining all or most of it back.  I am already heavier than I ever thought possible again.  I don't want to start 2012 and have regrets about 2011.  It isn't too late to end this year on a positive note.  On Sunday, I woke up at a new high of 234.  I am not going to dwell on it.  I am not going to be grumpy and sad.  I woke up today and decided it was time.  I reached out to my brother and promised at least three weeks of diligent myfitnesspal.com tracking. 

I reset my weight on myfitnesspal.com.  That ticker on this blog has been lying to all of you for months.  I hated changing it because I never wanted people congratulating me for losing pounds that I had gained back.  But, enough time has gone by.  I need that update.  I need to write everything down.  I need that to stop showing 115 pounds when that is no longer a reality.

I worked hard at the gym tonight despite not feeling like I did when running six months ago.  I went back to music instead of listening to podcasts... way more motivating and a story for another day. I promise.  I smiled on the treadmill and got that old familiar chill that I had last year.  I think I had forgotten what that felt like.

I don't care that it is the holiday season.  It is time for a reset.  It is time to blog my weight every day and add some additional thoughts a few nights a week.  This is all part of what worked for me before and I am not afraid to admit that I need all of this.  I may always need all of this.  So, promise me you will keep reading, even if this blog lives on for many more years.  Here's to my reset...

Phase 4 - Starting Weight: 234.0, Day 1 - (0.2), Total - (0.2)

230.6/233.6/231.2/234.0/233.8

Down .2 from my new starting weight of 234!  Woooo Hoooo!!!!!  lol.

229.0/227.0/229.4/230.6/229.6/229.8

This blog is on life support.  Time to revive it!

230.2/228.8/228.0

Just when I think I will never go back over 230, the Halloween potluck showed up and my appetite showed up with it.  I believe I consumed enough salt to kill a small horse.  Doing better since Monday.  But, I just can't seem to string together two straight weeks.  I imagine that now that my bet is finished (today), I will start taking off the weight!  Tonight, I promise, I will expand on the bet.

226.2/226.0/226.0/227.2

I seem to be stuck.  In fact, I looked at my average weight for the month of October and it was 227.7.  I have pretty much been within a couple pounds of that for most of the days.  Still exercising.  But, can't seem to focus in on my eating habits.  Blah, blah, blah...

227.0/225.0/224.8

Okay, it's one thing to not be able to find the time to post a nightly blog entry with substance.  But, now I have gotten so bad that I am not even providing daily weight updates.  I still need this blog way more than I thought and that needs to change. 

Back under 225.  Someone asked me if I had given up the other day.  The one positive thing throughout this is that I haven't.  I still plan to be around the 200 mark again by the  end of the year.  Upped the exercise last night and starting to eat a little better.  I just realized that this is the first time I have been under 225 since September 27.  So, that is encouraging... though somewhat depressing as well. 

227.6/228.2/227.8/227.8/227.2

I realize my blogs have been light over the last few days.  That is the only thing "light" about me over that time period.  Pretty uneventful weekend.  Started the above gain with a big jump after a night of wings and beer watching the World Series opener.  In fact, the 1.4 gain was good news after that particular night.  On Saturday, I went to the Colorado vs. Oregon football game with my son.  Once again, being the same weight on Sunday that I was on Saturday came as a big and welcome surprise.  In the end, I am somewhat amazed that I start the week lower than I ended last week.  And, once again, I start my Monday with renewed optimism that this is the week that I get this thing going again. 

226.2

Loser...

226.4

Needed that.  Down 3 pounds after a really good day.  I even plan on skipping a dinner with a vendor tonight to stay on track.  Need to get over this hump and be completely diligent.

228.6/230.4/...229.4

Still struggling to get through a weekend unscathed.  When I see these numbers, I honestly want to stop blogging because I hate typing them.  Not even a bet can help keep me motivated.  More on that later...

225.4

Down 1.2 pounds and 6.8 since getting back from Chicago!  I am now below the weight that I was before I left for Chicago... so, I can put that business trip behind me.  Feeling even more motivated after seeing myself in the reflection at the club last night.  Did I tell you how disturbing it was to see my man-boobs bouncing again when I was running?

226.6

Down .6 pounds.  The best news is that of the 8 days since I have been back from Chicago, my weight has gone down on 7 of them.  I won't get too cocky quite yet.  But, feeling better about myself... though the image in the reflection from the window tonight at the club was slightly upsetting.  But, I found the energy to get there and it felt good to run again.

227.2

Down 1.2 for the day and 5 pounds over the week since returning from Chicago.  Got a prescription from the doctor yesterday with the hopes of kicking this sinus infection and getting back in to the gym by tomorrow or Friday.  I need a good weekend to keep this momentum.  Between you and I, I would love to be close to 220 by next Monday. An agressive goal, but definitely possible.   

228.4

Down .8 pounds. Still wanting to have a 2 or 3 pound drop. But, with this sinus infection and not being able to find the energy to go to the club, I guess I will take it. These walks just don't seem to shed the pounds like running on the treadmill does.

229.2

Well, I blew it.  Even sick as a dog, I am unable to supress my appetite.  Whenever I am looking up symptoms on sites such as WebMD, many of them list "lack of appetite".  So, I can usually rule all of those out.  Or, I may not ever truly be able to diagnose my illness based on never having experiened a "lack of appetite"!

228.0

Down .4.  Nothing earth shattering.  But, at this point, I will take anything that is lower than the day before.

228.4

Down another pound and striving to actually lose weight over the weekend.  Down 3.8 since my gluttonous adventures in Chicago.

229.4

Back under 230 and down 1.8 pounds.  I beg you, Anthony, please never go back over 230 again the rest of your life!  Thanks.

231.2

At this weight, even a pound down no longer can brighten my spirits.  That 230-something is so depressing.

227.4/227.6/228.4.............. 232.2

As expected, I broke the 230 barrier after my four-day trip to Chicago.  Expecting the inevitable doesn't actually equate to accepting the inevitable.  I was still somewhat crushed to see that number even though I told myself I wasn't going to care and made no  attempt to even pretend to be good in the Windy City.

And,  I wasn't.  I ate all of my favorites and it was good.  And today, I wake up with renewed optimism that really has no grounds based  on my recent trending.  But, I really still do believe.

My biggest goal for this next month is to get back to a point where I am proud of my accomplishment again.  Right now, people still tell  me congrats and that I look great.  But, I no longer believe it or feel it.  Plus, I can't afford a new wardrobe...

225.4

I have run out of words to describe my disappointment in myself.  I am not even able to string together two days in a row anymore.  To make matters worse, I have a business trip to Chicago next week.  Chicago just happens to be my favorite city in the world.  And, you know me, much of what makes it my favorite are the restaurants!  I am not sure what is the hardest thing about updating my weight on this blog every morning, the embarassment of posting my latest failure or thinking of some way to add words to it that I haven't said before.  Just yesterday morning, I was actually hoping to be under 222 today, 221 by tomorrow, and 220 by Friday.  Silly Anthony...

223.6

I won't even pretend I am back on track based on recent events.  But, I will take the 3.4 pound drop and  only say that yesterday morning felt like a true wake-up call and watching The Biggest Loser last night reminded me of where I was not too long ago. 

"It's The Marinuccis!"

Last week, I came home from work and Lori and I took off for a bike ride.  I had forgotten how much I loved riding and have had a lot of fun with our new bicycles.  So, we took off for the path along the river and decided to head towards downtown.  Not long after getting to the path, I slowed down to take a drink.  As we approached a slight curve in the trail, I reached for my water bottle with my right hand while my left hand rested on the break and handlebars.  As I was taking a drink, I heard voices coming down the path and heard Lori say that there were people ahead.  A split second later I saw a small dog round the corner heading directly in my path.  When I saw the dog, my natural reaction was to squeeze the brake.  And, because I was caught by surprise, I squeezed it hard. 

So, those who don't know bicycles very well are now saying, "So what?!".  Those who know bicycles are saying, "Oops!".  In the U.S., on most bicycles, the brake lever that is controlled by the left hand is the front brake.  And, while the front brake is perfectly fine when combined with the back brake, it is not so good when used by itself and squeezed quickly and with force.  The front wheel stopped.  My bike, my water bottle, and I did not.  My body went over the handlebars while the back of my bike flipped over and landed on top of me.  In the second it took me to hit the pavement, fleeting thoughts of embarassment and imminent pain raced through my head.  It is bad enough to fall with nobody watching and slightly worse to fall in front of your wife.  But, add to it the embarassment of falling in front of strangers who just happened to cross paths with you.  And then, as I lay there trying to ascertain the extent of damage I had done to my body, I heard a familiar voice say, "It's the Marinuccis!".  It was Julie Lockett.  She was walking with Ursula Kochenberger and Kelly Gordon.  The only thing worse than falling in front of complete strangers walking by is falling in front of three ladies who happen to be friends. 

I started laughing at my incredible good luck.  I laughed so hard at hearing Julie Lockett's voice that I couldn't even stand up.  Well, that and the fact that the bike was now intertwined with my legs.  I think I made it look worse because I wasn't moving.  I just kept laying there and laughing uncontrollably.  Finally, I got up and realized that I had fallen quite gracefully and that I was relatively unscathed.  The only thing that I felt was slight pain in my left palm where I had broken my fall.  Even better than my physical good fortune was picking up my bike and realizing that it had survived the fall even better than I.  Other than a slight twist of the handlebar to align it with the front wheel, there wasn't anything wrong with the bike.  Not a scratch.  Right then, Kelly mentioned that something had flown towards the bank of the river.  I assured her that it was not my teeth and knew that it was my water bottle that had been launched ahead. 

After retrieving my bottle and then sharing some good-hearted laughter and conversation, we finally moved on.  We continued to laugh at hearing Julie's voice exclaim, "It's the Marinuccis".  When we returned home, my right knee started hurting and I realized I had bruised and scratched my knee.  The next day, I realized I had bruised my arm as well.  But overall, I was very fortunate to land as well as I did and felt lucky that my bike and body had come out of it so well.  Here's to always being able to make fun of yourself and to falling gracefully...

224.4/226.8/227.0

I want to cry.  After eating Manhattan's Pizza on Friday night and maintaining the same weight Saturday morning, I was actually kind of suprised and a little excited.  I told myself that was going to be the start of a good weekend.  And, then proceeded to eat everything in sight!  I realized this morning that I have gained 29 pounds since my lowest weight!  That is hard to even fathom. 

I spent the weekend mad at all of the people I ran in to at the Chile Festival who  told me how great I looked. I wanted to tell them to stop.  I wanted to tell them they were wrong!  I felt guilty hearing the compliments and knowing what I have done over the last few months.

This morning I logged in to myfitnesspal.com for the first time in months.  I know I promised a couple of months ago.  But, it never happened.  It's just one thing.  But, it works for me and I am glad that I finally went back to it.  I didn't exercise yesterday.  So, my new streak died an early death.  Tonight, I am going back to the gym. 

224.4

Up 1.8.  Frank/Will - Please don't send me an e-mail.  I already know I am a loser.

222.6

Chinese buffet for lunch yesterday... 'nuff said.

221.8

Why do I even keep posting?

220.6/219.8/221.6/221.8/221.6

Sorry Kelsea, I guess I haven't made good on my promise.  You can blame your mom's green chile.  I love that stuff.

My Little Girl

Over the last few months, I have spent a lot of time whining about the stress in my life... okay, maybe way too much time.  And, maybe I was trying to justify my weight gain and my sudden out-of-control eating habits. Some of it was my Dad's situation, some of it was work-related, but the one constant stressor that has weighed heavily on me was my daughter Kelsea's health problems. 

For almost two years, my daughter has battled an illness that has consumed her life.  I won't go in to the details here.  But, to this day, her illness has never been truly diagnosed.  The only guess anyone has had is based on a diagnosis by exclusion... which in layman's terms means they have ruled out everything they can possibly test for and this is the only thing left.  That includes cancer, tuberculosis, infections, auto-immune deficiencies, and on and on and on.  That diagnosis is an extremely rare illness that is common in females who have been pregnant and are 30-40 years old.  My daughter does not fall in to either category. 

So, after several hospital visits, 30+ doctors, countless tests and procedures, stints of prednisone, methotrexate and other drugs, the side effects of those drugs, missed time at work, a semester lost of school, and a wave of bad I.V. attempts that left her in pain, my daughter finally gave up.  She stopped taking the drugs and scheduled a surgery to remove the problematic tissue and attempt to get on with her life.

As a parent, there is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain; wishing that you could trade places and take all of that pain on.  Even knowing that this was a positive thing in the long run, it still hurt to know that my daughter was having this surgery... a surgery that no 20 year old girl should have to go through. I was sad, excited, anxious, hopeful, and scared.  I have hardly slept over the past week.  I tried to be mentally present at our quarterly meetings this week... with little luck. I spent Tuesday night at a restaurant during a business meeting fighting to stay focused on the discussion while constantly finding my mind drifting off to her surgery scheduled for Wednesday morning.  I worked until 3 AM Tuesday night and finally went to bed exhausted.  Despite that, I still couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until the alarm woke me three hours later.  I gave a morning presentation; slightly numb and fighting back tears.  I finished and then rushed to the hospital.

When I got there, I found my daughter bright-eyed and excited.  Nervous still, though mostly of the impending I.V. (it's a long story), but mostly anxious to get this done and move on with her life.  I was, and still am, amazed at her strength throughout this ordeal.  I know she has had her moments and I have seen her break down.  Yet, she remains as strong as any young lady could be given the circumstances.  I remember teasing her a couple of years ago when she got a very small tattoo on the inside of her wrist that represented "strength".  Well, Kelsea, I didn't get it then.  But, I get it now.  You are truly strong and have an incredible spirit and that tattoo is fitting.  I wish your father was even half as strong as you have been.  I have been in hospitals when I needed to leave the room so that I could cry alone in a hallway so that my daughter wouldn't see me that upset.  My only strength has been hiding that weakness from her and trying to appear positive at all times.

Kelsea is home now.  The surgery went incredibly well and she is already relatively pain-free.  So incredibly brave.  Her attitude is incredible.  The doctor was incredibly positive and extremely optimistic that this should take care of her illness.

Last night I slept.  I slept like a baby.  I think I will sleep even more contently tonight.  I realized this week that all of the stressors I have mentioned before paled in comparison to this particular one.  I remain optimistic that this will take care of the problem and that my little girl can get on with her life. 

Tomorrow, I will regrettably post another number that disgusts me.  Too much food and no exercise while in Denver.  Tonight I started my new exercise streak.  One I hope to get to 550 days to break my record.  Tomorrow, I will try to get myself back on track food-wise.  I will try to find the strength that my daughter has shown me over the last two years... in her honor.

I love you Kelsea Nicole Marinucci!  I will always be proud and amazed by your strength and spirit.  Here's to watching your little girl grow up to be such an incredible woman... 

217.6

I guess I wasn't sick enough.  Down .2.

217.8

Maybe I should be sick more often.  Down 1.6 pounds.

The Streak Ends

After 549 straight days, my exercise streak finally came to an end.  I knew it would take sickness or an injury to prevent me from working out.  And, I was right.  I felt like crap on Wednesday and Thursday.  But, I still felt good enough to exercise.  Yesterday was different.  I came home and my head felt like it was about to explode.  My stomach didn't feel good.  My body felt exhausted.  And, I was tired.  Despite all this, I still asked Lori if she wanted to go on a walk.  She begged me to sit on the couch and rest.  So, we watched a movie.  I felt worse when the movie ended.  Yet, I asked one more time if she wanted to go for a walk as I struggled with the thought of ending my streak one day shy of 550 days.  It took everything I had to make myself not go and I had to mentally convince myself that the streak wasn't as important as I had made it out to be.  Finally, I let it go and went to bed.

I managed right at a year and a half.  Today I feel even worse.  But, as soon as I feel even remotely better, I will start again.  Here's to a new streak...

219.4

It's a miracle!  Despite our visit to Mi Ranchito's, I still lost .2.  So, my mom is allowed to visit in the future!

219.6

With my mom coming to town and a visit to Mi Ranchito's on the horizon, it would have been safer to be at 215 going in to this weekend.

YOU SUCK

As many of you know, and I may have even spoke of it here, I have an Excel spreadsheet where I have tracked my progress over the last year and a half.  At one time, early on, it included my nutritional info, exercise, and weight.  Lately, I have only been updating my daily weight.  Well, as I gained weight, I added a column to the spreadsheet that compared my current weight against last year's weight on the same day.  My goal was to try to be lower than last year.  I knew I was getting close, but hoped I wouldn't be heavier than a year ago.  The column does some math and then has a formula that returns the value "good" if I am still lower than the previous year.  So, for the last six weeks or so, I have continued to see "good" in the column.  I forgot what the value in the formula was if I was heavier.  Well, today I entered in my weights for the last week and I found out.  In bold capital letters, my spreadsheet said "YOU SUCK".  On August 29, I weighed 1.6 more than last year.  Then I was "good" over the next five days.  I have sucked once again since September 4.  In fact, it has been as high as a 6.6 pound difference.  Well, the spreadsheet doesn't lie... even if it was kind of rude about it.  Let's see how long it takes me to get back to "good".

220.6/222.0

Down 1.2 yesterday and then two business meetings with a slopper and sushi combo did me in.  Stupid business meetings...

218.0/220.0/220.2/221.8

I am a fat pig!  All of that willpower that I showed for over a year straight, has seemingly left me.  I keep thinking it's still there... at least I tell myself that mentally.  But, when I go to eat, it seems to cower in the corner afraid to battle my large and in charge appetite.  My three day willpower streaks are met and exceeded by my three day binges.  My stomach is back.  My man boobs are back.  My clothes fit me slightly uncomfortable.  And, I walked around the state fair this weekend with that feeling of being way too stuffed... a feeling that I had tried to remove from my existence.  The only place my willpower rears it's little head is when I go to exercise... which is a very good thing or this tale of woe could be even more depressing.  But, don't give up on me or the blog!  Today is a new day!

217.4

Better.  Down 4.2 pounds!  Thanks Deanne for the reprimand!  I needed that.  And congrats on the upcoming nuptials.  Instead of 215, I am going to try for 210 by the wedding date.  I need to look good at the wedding... oh wait, I wasn't invited!  So, lose those last two for me... in fact, lose another for good measure.  And, have an incredible day and wedding!

219.8/221.8/221.4/220.4/221.6

These are not good days for me.  After a good Friday, the weekend was brutal.  What's worse is that I didn't even care and I knew what I was doing with myself.  I think that's my biggest concern.  There are days I am bad despite knowing I am being bad and feeling a little guilty about it.  Saturday concerned me because I didn't even feel guilty.  I just pigged out.  As bad I was, I was still stunned by the almost 6 pounds gained and now I am reeling once again.  Yesterday included a two hour bike ride and running at the club.  My reward?  A 1.2 pound weight gain!  The numbers have been so bad that I haven't even wanted to post them here.